[tre1090]

So, I’m new to this site and others like it and don’t really know what to expect. But as of right now, I need advice in how to handle my current situation.

I am a 20 year old male attending college to get a degree in health services management. My girlfriend, who I have been dating for over 2 years, goes to the same school and we come from the same town. About 2 months ago, I approached my girlfriend with some issues in our relationship. We weren’t meshing as well as were and were arguing constantly, so I told her that I thought that we needed some time apart to realize what we truly meant to each other. I also told her that I wanted to use this time to think about things that we could individually do for each other and for the relationship that would make our bond stronger and keep growing in the relationship. She agreed that she wasn’t happy either, and we mutually decided to take this path.

A week and a half later, she went out with some friends on a Friday night and ended up asking a guy if she could stay over at his apartment, which she did. I had no idea of her staying there, and ended up going to her apartment the Sunday of that weekend to make sure that we were still on the same page with everything. After talking about our weekends, she mentioned that she and her friends were with that group of guys, and something in my gut made me think that she had stayed over there. So I asked her, and she told me that she had not. We got to talking about our relationship and it was apparent to me that we were going to continue in growing in our relationship together. One thing led to another, and we ended up having sex.

Two days later, my girlfriend was being very distant and shady. It was really concerning me because she was never like that. That evening, I got onto my computer to browse the web and her Facebook login information was still on my computer screen. I logged on to her Facebook, which I have never done before, only to find a chat box between her and a guy that was with her and her friends the previous Friday night. I read through the chat, and at the end of the conversation (which was from within the hour I was looking at) my girlfriend asked if that guy wanted to come over later that night after he got back from drinking. He then asked if she meant “stay over” like they had that Friday night. This is where I found out that she had stayed at his apartment that Friday night. She then agreed with him coming and staying over at her apartment. After I read this, I immediately confronted her about her staying at his apartment, which she again denied she had. Eventually she admitted that she indeed had stayed over and the only thing that happened was “make out”.

I didn’t talk to her much after this because it hurt me very badly. She lied to me and deceived me and then had sex with me not even two days after her incident with this other guy. Spring break came 2 weeks later, and since we live in the same town, we ended up getting together and talking. She told me that she was still sorry about what happened and that she wanted to earn my trust back. I asked her multiple times about that Friday night and she told me that they only made out. A few days later, she admitted to letting him go up her shirt, and that was it. I told her I was finished w/ her because I could not put up w/ her lying. She then proceeded to get extremely upset and told me she would do anything to be with me and that she would do anything even if it took a lifetime to win my trust back. This was at the beginning of March and I gave her the chance (which I wasn’t quite sure about since she had really broken my heart at this point). The first weekend back from spring break, she went to that same guy’s birthday party with her girlfriends, saying that it had nothing to do with him and that she only wanted to hang with her friends. She did text me and call me several times throughout the night and called when she got home, but regardless, it’s the same dude’s birthday party. Ever since then I have felt extremely insecure about what she tells me and I ask several times when I ask her questions to make sure she is telling me the truth. When I do this, she ends up getting extremely defensive and doesn’t want to talk to me. She calls me hurtful names (cursing) and hangs the phone up on me. She threatens me by saying, “If this is how it’s going to be, then I’m done.” At this point, I really don’t know what else to do. I have told her I ask questions because I don’t trust her and that she needs to rebuild our trust because she broke it, but the only thing she does is send me nice texts in the morning and bake me cookies. I need something deeper, but I don’t know what else to do. I apologize for the length, but there really is a lot that goes into this situation, more so than what I’ve posted. These are just the big parts.

[Ask April Masini]

It really sounds like the two of you are growing apart. When the two of you were arguing constantly, as you write, that was the moment to work things through [i]within[/i] the relationship — not by taking a break. A break in a relationship allows for dating other people, and it’s unfair of you to expect otherwise from her. (Or her from you.)

Once you realized that she’d been with someone else, I think you realized that you didn’t want to be apart from her any more, but it was unfair of you to press her for details of her dating experience while the two of you were on a relationship break. While I don’t condone her lying to you about what she did with this other guy, it’s understandable that she didn’t want to tell you because she knew it would hurt you and she wasn’t clear about where the two of you stood.

Now that you’re back together, you’re still arguing constantly and are unhappy — only this time you’re blaming the arguing on trust issues. I’m not sure what your arguments were about before this break in the relationship since you didn’t say, but the problem isn’t the trust issue. It’s the constant arguing.

When you write that you “need something deeper” to begin to trust her again, it isn’t clear what you need, and frankly, I’m not sure you’ll ever want to trust her again or if there is anything to alleviate your anxiety about her possibly cheating.

It sounds like this relationship has run it’s course and it’s time for you to move on. 🙁

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