[LadyTremaine]

Hello!

This is my first time on this site, I find myself in a troubling relationship matter and I would like some advice as far as dealing with it. I would also like to know if you feel that I am being unreasonable about any of this.

Okay, well, first some background. I met my boyfriend a little over a year ago after he messaged me to meet with him for some drinks (we both belonged to the same social group and they have a website which allows members to message each other). I agreed to meet with him, we got on well, and before long he was asking me out on other dates. At one point he asked me how I felt about being in an exclusive relationship with him. I was hesitant at first because the last person I was in a relationship with cheated on me and I did not want to repeat my mistake by choosing someone who did not take committed relationships all that seriously. I told him that I was open to the idea of being exclusive with him, but that I took my relationships very seriously and that I only wanted to be in a relationship with him if he also took them seriously. He told me that, of course, he did. So about a week after that conversation we became exclusive.

Fast forward about eight months later, things were going really well for the two of us. He had moved in with me (about four months after we became exclusive) and we got along and had a great relationship. I felt that everything was fine between us, but then I discovered something on the computer we shared. It was discovered by accident since he had left his social networking site open; I went to log in and got onto his page instead. He had left open a private message to a woman, asking her if she had ever done nude modeling. I didn’t recognize her and I did not believe that he actually knew her. A little concerned, I am ashamed to say that I then looked through the rest of his messages. Most of them were fine and did not upset me at all, but there were a few that raised some red flags. In his archived messages he wrote one that said “we met at such-and-such grocery store” (it was to a woman). In another, he wrote to a woman that they met at his workplace. The most alarming one was a message thread between him and a woman (not one that he already knew) in which they chatted briefly about an event they had attended in the past (not together, I had gone to the event with him and we did not meet this woman there). He then asked her if she wanted to meet so that they could share experiences regarding the event.

I did sit him down and had a talk with him, I asked him if he was trying to meet other women using the internet. He claimed that he was not. I brought up the social networking incident, he denied that he was trying to do anything sneaky. He said “I would never hurt you” and he explained that he was only trying to make friends. I explained to him that it was fine to have female friends. I myself have male friends, however, they are all aware that I am in a relationship and most of them have met my boyfriend. I don’t mind that he has female friends so long as they know about me and are aware that my boyfriend is only interested in being friends. I told him that I was uncomfortable with him browsing profiles of women he didn’t know online, private messaging them, and trying to arrange to meet them alone in person. I told him that that is almost exactly how we ourselves met, and it turned into a romance. I felt that arranging to meet an attractive woman alone was putting himself in an unnecessarily tempting situation. Even though he was technically not cheating on me, I felt that it was the first step towards the road to cheating. Anyway, I felt that I had made myself clear, that this kind of behavior was not acceptable in our relationship and I wanted it to stop. He understood and so I dropped the matter and never brought it up again.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt, that he did not realize that what he did was upsetting to me and I believed we were on the same page. Things seemed to be really great again, we haven’t had any major problems or arguments and my boyfriend has always been affectionate towards me and has treated me well. Well, several days ago, I discovered that he had joined a modeling website (again, by accident, his account popped up in the browsing history of the computer). I had no idea that he had made the account and I found it suspicious that he joined and called himself a “photographer” (he is not, actually, a modeling photographer). Well, again, I ashamedly browsed through his messages and he had several, all to female models. The messages were all friendly and non-sexual (such as “great pics!” and “are you from such-and-such city?”) but in one message thread, he chatted with a model who was going to be visiting the area we live in. She asked him if he would like to set up a photo shoot. He said “I’m not paying right now, but I can show you around the area. Where will you be staying? Do you have a car?” So, once again, he is trying to meet with an attractive woman alone, there was absolutely no mention of me or that he is in a relationship 🙁

I need advice as far as how I should approach this with him, and also, do I have good reason to be upset? Is this something that a loyal boyfriend wouldn’t do? I suppose that his intentions could be completely platonic, but then, why is he targeting only women? If he really only wanted to make more friends, why not message men he doesn’t know? Also, the modeling website is strictly for professional networking, so it’s an odd place to be looking only for friends. I could understand if he joined because he wanted to pursue a career in photography (which I would be very supportive of, if that is what he wanted to do) but he has never mentioned wanting to do this to me.

This is all very upsetting to me, I don’t know why he is seeking out other women since he seems to be very happy with me and content in the relationship. Maybe I need to sit down with him and find out what is lacking for him in our relationship? I definitely want to find out what is driving him to do this, if it is simply out of boredom then I don’t think there is much I can do for us, all relationships get mundane after awhile. We also do a lot of fun activities together, just last weekend we took a trip to Vegas, so we don’t exactly lead a boring lifestyle. If there is something missing for him, he is certainly not telling me about it. Any and all advice is much appreciated, thanks!

[AskApril Masini]

I’m not sure how old you both are, but the issue here is pretty clear. He’s not interested in monogamy with you, and rather than accept that, you want to change him. My advice is that you accept the facts and move on to find someone who’s more compatible with you in wanting the same relationship goals.

The other thing I’d advise is that you go by a different type of time line when you’re dating. I’m not sure how long you dated before deciding to be exclusive, but moving in together after four months is too soon to know someone very well. The proof of that is in your post. 😳 For future, date someone for three months before deciding if you want to continue dating him, and assume he’s doing the same. After six months of dating, decide on monogamy. I know it may seem slow when you’re in it, but it’s really important to get to know people before you commit — whether it’s marriage, moving in together, or monogamy in dating. 😉

I hope that helps.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter[i] @AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[LadyTremaine]

Thanks April, I do appreciate your advice. We are both older, I am in my 30s and he is in his 40s, I suppose that may be part of the reason things were “rushed”, so to speak. I am more than ready to settle down and start a family, and I realize that my time is limited in that regard. It’s sad because he’s a great guy in all other aspects, but you’re right, this is a behavior problem for him and me telling him “don’t do it” isn’t going to change the behavior. I know that ingrained behavior takes years of professional therapy to correct, plus the person has to actually WANT to change, his actions show that he does not.

I have another question for you: if he really doesn’t want to be monogamous with me, then why did he ask and insist on being in an exclusive relationship with me? Was it so that he could have me all to himself? If he wanted to be free to date around, or even if he felt as though I wasn’t worth committing to, it doesn’t make sense that he would be the one to insist on an exclusive relationship.

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]if he really doesn’t want to be monogamous with me, then why did he ask and insist on being in an exclusive relationship with me? If he really doesn’t want to be monogamous with me, then why did he ask and insist on being in an exclusive relationship with me? Was it so that he could have me all to himself? If he wanted to be free to date around, or even if he felt as though I wasn’t worth committing to, it doesn’t make sense that he would be the one to insist on an exclusive relationship.[/quote]

He may have figured out that you wanted a monogamous relationship and the only way he could be in a relationship with you is if he convinced you it would be monogamous. So he did. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Member]

Posts