[AJ1984]

Hi all, your feedback is very much appreciated…. Thanks for reading!

I’ve been in a relationship with a guy of totally different culture and background. He is a little traditional and i’m more of a town girl. We’ve been together for 5 years now. In the beginning, things were good because it was more to the physical aspect. I thought we would not get serious in our relationship. After the 4th year, we decided to take the relationship to the next level, and got engaged. We started living together and the problem started!

We are both abusive towards each other and hurt each other much. Mostly its mental & emotional abuse and sometimes even physical. We constantly argue and fight but however, somehow manage to make it up after that.
Recently i noticed that the past 2 years have been the worst years of my life. I have been under extreme stress and pressure. As the female and more qualified in terms of education & work experience, i am the one responsible to be the provider for the family. I have to bring in all the money and worry about all the finances. He does not get involve in finance because he totally sucks in it and tells me he is not knowledgeable about money.

He on the other hand, does the cleaning, cooking, laundry, fixing the house etc. I don’t get any emotional support from him due to our very different mindset. The only thing we enjoy is the sex and that’s getting less and less by the years (average about 2-3 times a week now)

Recently (after 2 years of financial burden), we got a small loan approved under a joint account to start off a small business of our own and have started working on it. I am trying to get as much help from him, but somehow he is not good with managing stress due to him coming from a very laid back lifestyle. We had a big fight again and we both hit each other after provoking each other. During the fight he mentioned that i ‘wasted’ money going for my facial treatment(which i didn’t go for 2 years and finally went after the loan money had come in). He instills in me that these things are not needed but I feel and know that I’ve become very unattractive over the 2 years because i have not been taking care of myself. I used to go for my facial every month when i was living and working on my own.

I love him much but sometimes i hate him. I feel he’s dragging me down and yet sometimes i feel the toughest people are the ones who will help us succeed the most in live. We also turn to alcohol sometimes when we are under stress.(drinking habits about once a week). Another difference we have is that he is from a big family and i am from a very small family. When we fight, he always turns to his family for support, but i keep everything to myself. This is causing emotional distress in me.

I want to know, should i leave or stay in the relationship?
In my recent request to leave/ take a break, he brought up the joint loan as an excuse for me not being able to leave. And he keeps complaining that i’m making him miserable. Is this normal in a relationship??? What should i do? Please help me…

[AskApril Masini]

Whenever there is physical abuse, you have to leave. If you can’t do it yourself, simply call the police and report the physical altercations. They will help you separate.

As for the loan, it’s not a reason to endure and inflict physical abuse. So, just read the small print on the loan and figure out how to repay the loan in the event of a separation with your business partner. If you can’t figure it out yourself, you can call the lender for help, or if you can afford an attorney, you can hire one. But the loan is not a good reason to stay together. The court system may be able to help you divide up your responsibilities.

Once you’re single, you have some work to do on yourself to figure out why you resort to abuse, and why you stay in it. Figuring this out will help you with future relationship success. 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

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[AJ1984]

Dear April,

Thanks for getting back to me. I really appreciate the time you took to read and advice me on my situation.

I probably must get out of the relationship, however, I feel it’s very hard to do this. How can i leave?

As for a recent update, he actually came back, we had arguments again, but after that we went to church and all was back to normal. At night, he said sorry and we were intimate again. I feel lots of love towards him when i know it shouldn’t be like that.
I have no idea why i’m stuck in this relationship. I had been lonely before after a break up from another major relationship. This current one is my second major involvement and I am scared to be lonely again.

On the physical abuse aspect, it is actually on both sides. I too sometimes throw things to him, slap, punch and kick him when we’re having the arguments. The physical abuse starter with me about a year back in the relationship. Soon, he started responding by physical inflicts towards me back. When i read signs of abusive relationship, sometimes i feel the problem is also me probably due to the high stress i have to be the sole money provider. Eg: I constantly check his phone, constantly question his whereabouts, and i do not like him spending time with his friends as I suspect them for seeing other women/prostitutes etc.

Lately, he accused me of taking away his life(family & friends) and that he can no longer communicate with them because he’s been giving all his attention on me. Another problem is that his family keeps calling him for everything that needs to be done like fixing, physical work, etc which i hate and argue about it with him and it soon becomes a big issue. Is it normal to let a guy to help his sisters each time they call or should i draw a line somewhere and how do i do it?

[AskApril Masini]

I don’t think you want to hear the answers I gave you, so you’re asking the questions again, trying to distance yourself from the solution. 😳 I don’t mind repeating the answers, but I do hope you’ll take a breath and really take in the problem and my advice. You’re not leaving [i]because you don’t want to[/i], but if you stay, things are going to get a lot worse. 🙁 There is nothing keeping you in the relationship except your desire to continue dysfunction. You have to understand that you’re going to hurt yourself, hurt him, and/or get hurt if you continue to stay and don’t change your own behavior and decision making.

[quote]I probably must get out of the relationship, however, I feel it’s very hard to do this. How can i leave? [/quote]

Step one: Pick up the telephone. Step two: Dial the police station. Step three: Tell them about the physical violence. All of it. Step four: They will come to your home and help you separate. It’s that easy. 🙂 The other way, to do things, is to move simply pack up and move, but I can tell you don’t want to do that, which is why I recommended police intervention — especially since you are both violent. 😉 So, try my advice if you really want to get out of the cycle of abuse.

[quote]Another problem is that his family keeps calling him for everything that needs to be done like fixing, physical work, etc which i hate and argue about it with him and it soon becomes a big issue. Is it normal to let a guy to help his sisters each time they call or should i draw a line somewhere and how do i do it?[/quote]

I don’t see anything wrong with his helping his family. You haven’t mentioned that his helping his family is affecting you negatively — except that you can’t control him when he does help them. Instead of feeling your loss of control when he tries to do something good for others, try to see that what he’s doing is positive (helping others). 😀 You should try to support anything in life that is productive and healthy 😉 He also may be going to help his family because they are supportive of his leaving you, which he should do — and you should do — and that probably upsets you because you don’t want to separate, even though you know you should. 😉 His helping his family represents his health, and you need him to be unhealthy so that he’ll stay with you because that’s the only way people stay in abusive situations. 🙁 People who are chronic abusers try to separate their victims from healthy relationships so they can have more control. 😥 That may be what’s going on here, and why you’re trying to keep him from his family.

All that said…. I think you’re using this issue to distract yourself from the bigger problem here, that you need to leave him because you’re physically harming each other. The longer you stay, the better chance of something truly terrible increases. Time to move on. If you can’t do it yourself, call the police and ask them to help you. 🙂

I hope that helps. I know this is tough for you.

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[AJ1984]

Thank you for your clear reply. I understand that it’s important to leave so tat more people don’t get hurt in the relationship. I will do it accordingly.

Just another question. What happens after I have left the relationship? What are the behaviors I should look into changing and how can I get help on this. Will I be alone for the rest of my life after leaving this relationship?

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]What happens after I have left the relationship?[/quote]

That all depends on you. 🙂 You get to be the star of your own life! I think it would be a good idea to get some distance from the relationship and use that space that the distance creates to try and figure out what it was that drew you to him, caused your flare ups, and kept you in the relationship when you knew it wasn’t healthy. Simply asking those questions with an open and honest heart will both bring answers and open more doors with possibly further questions. This is how the healing process starts. It’s also how you make changes in your life.

[quote]What are the behaviors I should look into changing and how can I get help on this. [/quote]

Obviously, violence is something you need to look at — both what draws you to it and what causes you to inflict it. Your lack of impulse control is something you’ll want to work on. See if you can figure out what triggers your anger and what triggers the anger to flare into violence. When you know your triggers, you can examine them and try to diffuse them, at best, or avoid them, at the very least.

When you begin to get a handle on these changes, you’ll want to start dating again, but go slowly. Don’t jump into any commitment that includes living together or engagement or marriage — until you feel healthier, and you’re more sure you’re with someone who’s healthy.

[quote]Will I be alone for the rest of my life after leaving this relationship?[/quote]

That’s up to you. 😉 Don’t be afraid of being alone because it’s only when you’re truly single that you’re available for someone else to become your Mr. Right. I know that it’s scary for you to be alone, but face that fear and be okay with it. Ironically, the more okay you are with it, the more attractive you’ll be to others. 😀

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[AJ1984]

These are the best advice I’ve received in my life because I can truly see myself following it. Thank you so much.

Just a small update, I’ve already made the first step of separating with him. Again this came with violence but I feel that it will be the last… I know it’s unhealthy and I must work on identifying why it happened that way and why I stayed. He on the other hand should work on the problems himself.

I’ve already decided to figure out how things will be with the loan that we took, I just have to communicate this with him and have a final closure on the things we were involved in together before moving out far. I have decided to go somewhere far and have made accommodation arrangements.

You’re right. Now I have all the time to figure out how my life should be after this and deciding things for myself. Mr.Right can come later if it is fated and after I learn to control my behaviors and seeking treatments accordingly. I hope things will work out for the better.

Thanks for the time you’ve spent replying to me and showing me some light….

[AskApril Masini]

Thanks for the kind words. I wish you well. 🙂

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