[Otto1987]

Hi, I was hoping for some advice on my ex girlfriend 🙂

I’ll start with a bit of background: we met through work about 18 months ago but we were both seeing people. We got to know each other really well and I completely fell for her. About a year ago I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years. There were lots of problems between us, neither of us was happy and I knew it wasn’t fair on her when I had feelings for someone else. Anyway I continued to get close to this girl and I fell in love. In May time out of the blue she told me she was having problems with her boyfriend and that she really liked me. A few weeks later they broke up and we got together. For two months it was perfect and we were so happy. At the end of July we went on holiday with her family, I know it was soon but everything had been going so well. I think I felt pressure about being there with her family as I didn’t really know them that well and started not acting like myself. The holiday started off perfectly and she said she loved me and I was so happy. One night after a few drinks we were talking and I tried to open up to her. The thing is after I’d broken up with my ex I’d found out that a few weeks later shed been in hospital with anorexia and this had started towards the end of our break up. I felt so guilty that I hadn’t known or that she couldn’t trust me to tell me. I told my girlfriend all this as I wanted to share my life with her and show how important honesty and truth was to me. as this brought back a lot of feelings about how I felt id let someone I care about down I got quite emotional. my girlfriend wrongly took this to mean i wasn’t over my ex. I could tell this was on her mind for the rest of the holiday and the more I tried to make things right the worse I made it. Anyway, when we got back home she ended it saying she couldn’t be with someone who wasn’t over their ex and that it wasn’t working. Stupidly I did the worst thing I could do and a week later told her I was in live with her and she meant everything to me and so on. She said she didn’t need me saying that sort of stuff to her, understandably, and we haven’t spoken much since. This was two months ago and since then I’ve kept my distance. I have got a new place, worked hard (got a publishing contract for some of my work) and tried to move on.

The other I i wrote a letter to her, not with the intention of sending it to her but just to get my thoughts down. I write down everything id want to say to her, apologised for hurting her and let her know that I had met up with my previous ex as I felt that I needed to see her fit and well again to be able to forgive myself for letting her down. It was good to see her but there were no feelings there and just reaffirmed my love for this girl. Now I’m wondering whether to give her this letter. On one hand I don’t want to bring up the past again and respect her wishes that she doesn’t need to hear stuff like from me. On the other I am in a much better place now and really want her to know what ive said, even if she has moved on I just want her to know how important she is to me and that I did appreciate her.

Any advice please?! (I can type up a copy of the letter if it helps!)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Don’t send the letter to her. In fact, your ex was right that you weren’t over your prior ex — enough for her to feel that you were ready to move on with her. Now that you are, the worst thing you can do is to bring up the ex AGAIN, which will just make her feel like she was right in breaking up with her.

Time for you to move on with your prior ex, and if you want to try and win your more recent ex over again, try focusing on her — and only her.

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