[PabloConfused]

So, I’m a 22 year old guy beginning a new relationship with a girl. I’m not one to jump into anything related to romance or relationships very quickly or give myself emotionally quickly, either (this is only my fourth relationship and each of my previous relationships have lasted at least one year), and that wasn’t the case with this current girl, either. I took about a good year of getting to know her before full-on courting her before starting the relationship. There were things in her past she wasn’t proud of as far as her relationships/romance/sexual history went, but she has expressed a desire to put them behind her as she’s returning to being more religious and I have seen it in action already (it was part of my reason for holding off on courting her for such a long time, even when she seemed perfect for me in just about every other way).

She used to be involved quite actively in a drama/theater club and while I knew that she was in some rather raunchy plays, I never really knew what her roles in them were. Recently, I came across videos of the performances she was in on YouTube and they’re extremely troubling for me; she’s been in scenes where multiple guys are fondling her gratuitously, scenes where guys are simulating crowding around her and masturbating as she’s on her knees, a scene in a bed where she and another guy are disrobing and he’s clearly in the missionary position between her legs (albeit under a sheet by this point) and is thrusting, and (what seems quite tame compared to everything else) plenty of long, intense, very physical make out scenes. I’ve seen questions posted online before about dealing with stage kissing/romance scenes when a significant other is in one, but I don’t think that it was quite the same as this.

As far as what my actual questions are, I guess I am wondering are

1) How do I deal with all that stuff in the past that’s so incredibly the polar opposite of my views on physical intimacy? The majority of the time, probably 90% of it, I couldn’t care less about the past whenever I am with her because I don’t believe it’s fair to hold the past against someone, especially in a relationship. However, the times I do think of it or it’s mentioned, I can’t help but see the very crude images in my head again.

2) Is there any way to really know, aside from flat-out asking her, if these are things she’d be interested in doing again? There are a lot of things I’ve seen her permanently bury in the past, and ideally, taking part in raunchy stuff like this would be one of them. Do I just have to sit down and talk to her about both of these issues and ask her to help me through them?

Anyone who’s been anywhere close to my shoes knows all the thoughts running around in my head, so please feel free to add anything that you feel would help. Thanks, everyone.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

From what you describe of her “work” it sounds like she was involved in some soft core porn. The question is: Why? There are different reasons that woman do this and understanding her motivation to get into that work and to get out of it, are important to knowing who she is, and what her tendency to go back there is.

In answer to one of your questions, it’s entirely fair — and a good idea — to ask her flat out about this acting work she did. I ALWAYS counsel people to find out about the other person — whether she’s a physician, a college student or a single mother — so you know if she’s a good match for you. Regardless of your morals (your feeling that you should allow people to have pasts that don’t affect their present behavior), the reality is that you need to know YOU and what is going to work for YOU. If she had six children, there would be nothing wrong with your saying, I’m not really up for this type of relationship because she has six children. It’s also okay to say, I don’t want to date a police officer because I’d be constantly worried about her safety and I don’t want to live with that kind of stress. Likewise, you are just as entitled to say, I’m not really interested in dating someone who acted in multiple sex scenes with men and has posted them publicly on YouTube. Believe me — that kind of relationship is not for everyone. So get to know, not just her, but yourself by asking questions, and allowing her to ask them of you.

As for getting past the crude images you keep seeing in your head — if you really keep seeing them, then this isn’t the right person for you.

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[PabloConfused]

Thanks for the reply. No, her “work” was definitely nothing of that sort (I wouldn’t even begin considering her if it were), these were definitely plays with a drama/theater club that were intended for 18+ viewers; think stuff along the lines of Clockwork Orange (though that wasn’t one of them) and the like.

I think I partially am worried about broaching this subject simply because, as I said, this girl seriously seems perfect for me in every other way; I haven’t ever felt this connected with anyone before. As I said, I really do think I can work through this, so long as I know she’s not intending to do stuff like this again in the future. I am just not really sure how to go about beginning a discussion like that without potentially causing a fight/conflict or offending her.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it!

I still think you should approach her directly. It’s a mistake to tiptoe and avoid a subject that is so important to you. If she’s offended by your asking, then she doesn’t care about your concerns. If you’re afraid of letting her know YOUR feelings about her acting work, then you’re hiding an important part of yourself from her that she’s going to find out about eventually, anyway — much better to broach difficult topics up front before you mislead her or yourself. 😉

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