[Leonor]

Hi, I’m hoping I can get some advice to help me in my relationship with my husband of nearly 17 years.

My husband treats me like I’m his mom. There are several factors behind this, but here are two major ones. First, that we think he might have Asperger’s Syndrome (kind of like a mild form of autism, with delayed emotional development). Two of our sons have AS and there is a possible genetic component to it. I would estimate my husband’s emotional age at about 19, half of his physical age. He has certain sequenced routines he needs to do, and sometimes I have to be part of these. He needs a lot of assistance from me and in many ways I’m like his executive secretary– he can’t manage finances, schedule appointments, or even keep track of time. Sometimes, unpredictably, it’s just not prudent to leave him in charge of the kids. Second, that his mom is very domineering and that’s the way he’s used to interacting with others, but especially women with whom he’s close. The woman is supposed to tell him what to do and he just does it, or in my case thumbs his nose at me because he wouldn’t dare thumb his nose at his mom. Combining that with AS makes it more difficult for him to change, because doing things the same way all the time and not being able to handle change is typical of people with AS.

We’ve been married 17 years now and I’ve given up on him meeting my needs. I try to meet my emotional needs in positive, non-destructive ways that don’t interfere with our marriage vows, which we take very seriously. But the one need I can’t fulfill outside of marriage is sexual, and I just can’t bring myself to be sexually interested in someone who treats me like I’m his mommy, who will just sit there coughing until I take it upon myself to call the doctor to make an appointment for him, who won’t change his underwear unless I’ve put the clean undies in his drawer (having them unfolded in a bin near the dresser evidently doesn’t count as having clean underwear available), who constantly makes me go up and down the stairs to fetch things for him when he knows I have fibromyalgia and it makes me hurt to do it. He sees me suffering and just like a little kid, it just doesn’t register with him that I’m in pain.

I love him, but more and more it’s becoming a mother-son relationship. If he’s mentally 19, then I’m now mentally old enough to be his mother. I try to give him opportunities to be autonomous and push him to grow, but he’s just not growing fast enough to keep up with me as I age. He insists he still finds me sexy even after I’ve borne him 4 kids and put on weight, but he rarely wants to initiate sex with me, and I just can’t bring myself to initiate sex with him after he’s come home from work and done nothing but watch YouTube videos of funny kittens and people setting things on fire, while I’ve worked hard to clean the kitchen and put the kids to bed and take him through his evening routine. I’ve tried asking him to help with the chores, and if I beg him enough he’ll do dishes for a few days, but after that he falls right back into his old routine because doing the chores stresses him out. I’ve tried rewarding him with sex for doing chores, but I really don’t want our relationship to be so Pavlovian. Also he starts to expect that every time he washes a single dish I’m going to have sex with him, and that doesn’t always work out with sick kids, work schedules etc.

I desperately want to reignite our sex life, but I just don’t know how to get over that “ick” factor of me being the mommy he’d like to screw. I’ve hoped he could change on his own and he didn’t, I tried to direct him towards change and I’ve failed. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough or trying in the wrong direction, or maybe he’s just not capable of change. Can you advise me?

[Ask April Masini]

Good question! 🙂

The way to stop being his mother is to stop acting like his mother. He may have all the issues you describe, but you participate and enable his behavior and the key to getting him to change is for YOU to change! 😉

Men and women are very different, and a lot of what you complain about in managing his health, appointments, home life, are very normal male behaviors that lots of women and men on this forum can no doubt relate to. But you don’t have to do everything you’re doing and you can prioritize what’s important to you. It sounds like you’ve already done that making your sex life the one thing you wish was different most.

To get your husband interested in initiating sex, you have to stop acting like his mother and start acting like a vixen who allures men. He may or may not have Asperberger’s, but he’s still a man with a sex drive and if his worst trait is acting like a 19 year old, remember that 19 year old men have raging hormones. Download my book, Romantic Sex Ideas that I’ve written for couples who want to put the sizzle back in the bedroom. You can get it here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]. It’s worth the $14.95 price and it’s a quick read. It will give you step by step advice to shift gears and reignite the spark in your bedroom.

As for some of the chores you have, see if you can afford to delegate them out. Let an accountant handle your finances, a housekeeper help with the housework. That will lessen your load.

And when he behaves like college frat boy not changing his underwear unless reminded, you can try acting like a college sorority girl who kicks him out of the bedroom because he’s gross — rather than a mother who reminds him to change his underwear, and washes and folds it for him.

Let go of the black and white thinking that you’re either a wife or a mom — and include some other things you might want to be in your bag of tricks. Be the temptress. Be the girlfriend. Be the spoiled brat now and then who doesn’t WANT to do the dishes and doesn’t do them (no one ever died from dirty dishes).

Basically, experiment and play with different ways YOU can express the different parts of you that include wife, mother — and so much more. Then watch his reaction!

Please let me know if this helps, and check me out on Facebook where you can be a free member of AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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