[jwtbl10]

I am currently in a “relationship” (I use the word loosely) with a man. When we first met, I was a friend of his and his wife – they divorced about 5 years ago. During their divorce I became close to this man (we work together) and we began a sexual relationship in addition to our friendship. I had very strong feelings for him and was hurt/shocked when one day at a co-workers wedding he showed up with a date – it nearly killed me.

We did manage to repair our friendship after that but I was always gaurded; we have a chemistry I can’t explain and it is not just sexual. He continued to date this woman he brought to the wedding and she moved in with him. They have been in a relationship for about three and a half years but he recently asked her to move out and she has. Even though this woman has moved out, he is not ready to say that the relationship is over and he still has her over to see his kids. Towards the end of their relationship we began talking a lot more and started a sexual relationship. Please don’t think this is all sex because it isn’t; we spend more time talking about our lives and experiences than in bed.

I don’t know how to handle this. I am afraid to ask ‘”what is this” because I may not like my answer. He knows I would like to have a relationship with him eventually once, and if, he gets this thing worked out. However, I don’t think I could handle “nursing” him through another break-up and having him pick someone else. Would it be worth telling him what I want or should I just walk away?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not kidding yourself, but you’re definitely sugar coating the truth. 😕

While you write that you want to ask your boyfriend what the nature of your relationship with him is, the reality is you know what it is. You’ve known him for a long time, and you’ve seen how he handles himself in relationships and with you. He’s not ready for a commitment, he dates the field and even if you’re sleeping with him he’s probably dating other women, too — he’s already proven to you that he’s the kind of guy who does that. I’m sure he knows that you want to get married, but he’s just not the marrying kind right now — or else he’s not interested in marrying you. He does want to date you, be friends with you and sleep with you — but not exclusively.

So DON’T have “the talk” with him. It’s not worth his time — or yours. You already know the nature of the relationship. You just don’t want to admit it to yourself. 🙁

If what you’re looking for is marriage, look elsewhere. He’s not Mr. Right. My advice to you is to be more honest with yourself about what is good for you and how you can make yourself happy. And remember — you’re not a victim. You do have a say in who you do and don’t date! Clearly, you want a relationship that is the whole nine yards — sex, intimacy, loyalty and respect. If you were really honest with yourself, you’d see that this guy isn’t going to give you three out of four of those things. And frankly, sex isn’t that hard to come by. Don’t overestimate the chemistry you say you have with him. For women, chemistry isn’t enough in the long run. They usually want and need more, and they usually try to convince themselves that having sex and chemistry with a man means that the man will develop stronger feelings and suddenly realize they should get married. Not so, my friend.

I think it’s time for you to recognize what you have here: a relationship with a man who’s looking elsewhere, and has proven to you you’re not Ms. Right for him. Next!!

[Member]

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