[dopamine25]

On new years, we’ll be dating for 2 years. He is my first long term boyfriend. He’s very caring and helpful. We always talk through our problems and we have the same sense of humor, so we get along well. I know he would never cheat on me and would be an excellent husband and father.

However, we are very different people. I want to go out and socialize, he rather stay in. I live in the moment, he lives by his schedule. I feel some nights we have nothing in common and nothing to do. He notices how unhappy I am with this and he feels he’s not good enough for me. Yesterday, he brought up that maybe I’m just with him because I feel comfortable with him or I feel attached because I lost my virginity to him or I’m scared to break his heart. Well of course I’m comfortable, attached, and would never want to hurt him. But ARE these the only reasons I’m with him? Am I with him because he’s the ideal man even though we don’t bond as much as I think we should? I know opposites attract but how can I tell if we’re TOO different and if our personalities will create more conflict then yin yang?

He doesn’t have a problem with our differences… Idk why I do…

I’m in my early 20’s and haven’t been with much guys, so i don’t know what else is out there. I don’t know if I exactly KNOW what love entails. So how I can define what love means to me without losing him?

I know I do love him and enjoy being with him. I guess I feel like something is missing…. that there should be something more…. am I just over thinking it?

And am I selfish or just looking out for my own well being?

I’m sorry for how cliche this is but please advise me.

Thank you

[Clara]

One of the reasons couples work is because they both want the same thing. In fact, that one dynamic, wanting the same goal or main goals in life, can often override differences that might otherwise split up other couples. For instance, if a woman really wants to get married and have children, and a man has a lot of qualities that she doesn’t like and can live with, but he adores her and wants to get married and have children with her, she may overlook those differences — and so might he.

It really sounds like you’re in your early 20s and you want to experience more of life before settling down — or maybe you do want a monogamous, committed relationship, but the differences between the two of you ARE big enough to make you unhappy on a daily basis. That’s why I think it’s time for you to move on.

Break ups where both people are decent, kind people with lots of wonderful qualities, are often confusing because we hear most often about dramatic break ups where there was cheating, addiction, abuse or some other explosive quality that was the last straw in a relationship. The break ups that end with screaming, arrests, and other women discovered are often what people look at to model their own break ups on. But the truth is your situation is more often the case than not — when two very nice people outgrow each other or just don’t want to continue together for some civilized reason.

It sounds like it’s time for you to have a kind and heartfelt break up and for you to move on and see what else is out in the world for you. 🙂

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[dopamine25]

Thank you for your advise, however I still can’t make out the sense of us braking up. What would be my reasoning? “I want to brake up so I can be promiscuous” ? That’s kind of horrible. I don’t know how I can make myself gamble away such a great guy for all those jerks out there that overshadow the nice guys out there.

I also have commitment issues because of my parents. So as difficult as it was to commit two years ago, it’s harder to just throw it away especially if it’s not broken.

I feel it’s a trap either way. If I stay with him I’ll always wonder what else is out there, if I leave him I’ll always wonder what we could of been……

[Clara]

[quote] What would be my reasoning? “I want to brake up so I can be promiscuous” ? That’s kind of horrible.[/quote]

😯 😯

I didn’t say you should be promiscuous. YOU mentioned promiscuity — not me. 😕 So, I think you equate playing the field and looking for Mr. Right with promiscuity, something I don’t. Finding the right person is very important, It’s not fair to either one of you if you feel like you’re trapped when you’re with him. Imagine if your husband felt like he was trapped because he was with you 😳 That wouldn’t make you feel very good about yourself, would it? And I’m sure he doesn’t want to be with a woman who feels trapped when she’s with him. Eventually, when he figures out you feel trapped with him, and he will, he’ll leave you.

[quote]I also have commitment issues because of my parents. [/quote]

We all have parents and none of our parents are perfect. So if you have commitment issues as a result of your parents’ history, it’s time, as an adult, to process your problems and decide to make YOUR life the best life it can be. That’s how you attract a healthier partner and have a healthier relationship. 😀 Nothing is ever perfect, but if you aim for healthy and you work at healthy, you’ll get it. 😀 Parents do the best they can with what they have, and adult children have a responsibility to continue to evolve as adults. You’re not trapped by your history. Take the challenge and make your life better than it is. 😉

[quote]I feel it’s a trap either way. If I stay with him I’ll always wonder what else is out there, if I leave him I’ll always wonder what we could of been……[/quote]

This is your real problem. And frankly, it’s an internal problem. You’re afraid of making a mistake, so you’re going to stay in a situation where you’re not happy, and your unhappiness is going to eventually drive him away. It may take a long time, but trust me — no man is going to stay with a woman who he makes feel trapped. He wants to feel like a winner and when he looks at his woman he wants to feel like she thinks he’s the best thing in the world. You’re going to have to face your fear and decide that being with someone when you’re not ready, or being with someone who’s not right for you, will lead to you being trapped and his walking away from a girlfriend or wife who doesn’t make him feel like a winner.

I hope this helps.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[dopamine25]

Oh sorry for the confusion, I didn’t mean YOU were telling me to be promiscuous I was just saying, essentially being able to play the field would be the only reason I’d brake up with him because otherwise I am happy with him….. my personality just wants to experiment and be adventurous..

but i love him..

[Clara]

I understand.

But you can’t have everything 😳 and lots of people love each other, but can’t live together because they are incompatible. You can’t experiment and be adventurous with other people if you’re committed to him, and you can’t be true to yourself if you’re with someone who’s holding you back.

I know it’s a tough call…..

Let me know how it all goes.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[JANZ]

I think you might be throwing out the baby with the bath water here. Just because you are not 100% in sync with one another doesn’t mean you couldn’t have a wonderful life together. The first thing to do (maybe you already have) is make a good & bad list, good being everything you love about the guy and your relationship, bad being those things that annoy you, are really bad and maybe the things you think would annoy him if you brought them up. I’m guessing the good list is going to be really long and the “bad” list will be minimal. The “bad” list is what you want to talk to him about first before you break up with him because they may be the result of mixed signals, or those things you want to do but your not sure he’d be cool with. Maybe he’d be alright with some of those things and you can move those over to the “good” column. Just make sure when your talking to him that you’re really watching his face, eyes, & body language so you can tell how truthful he’s really being.
My husband and I got married at 20 & 21 and are celebrating our 40th anniv this May. We are probably the opposite of you two – I’m the shy, quiet type that likes to stay home and he’s the kind of guy that can walk into a room of strangers and walk out with a room full of friends. We’ve had our ups & downs but we went into our marriage making divorce not an option. So many these days introduce their mates as “my first wife or my first husband” – that does NOT make for a committed relationship! If that’s your attitude from the get-go, forget it – you are doomed to fail because you will not put forth the effort needed to smooth over the rough spots. Your effort will be put to finding #2!

Just because you’re only in your early 20’s, he sounds like he could be a good match for you and I’d hate to see you throw him away on a whim or a misconception that he wouldn’t support your adventurous side. As long as there’s no drug, alcohol, or emotional or physical abuse in the mix (which can be cause for bailing), I’d say start those lists (and he should do it too), so you can see in black & white how ‘perfect’ (which it will NEVER be) you are for each other. At the very least you’ll be talking and may come to a break-up decision together – or you could have a ring on your finger and a happy life ahead! I wish you much luck, love, & happiness.[/color][/color]

[Clara]

Please let us know what you do decide to do and how things go. 😀

[Member]

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