[VioletSapphire]

My husband & I have been married for 22 years. We have 2 amazing kids, ages 18 & 12. Our relationship has definitely had it’s ups and downs, but I’ve always been able to get past his screw ups and move on – until now. My husband has a drinking problem, and when drinking he has a tendancy to do very stupid things. It’s almost like he has two personalities, the real one and the “PartyMan” persona. When we were younger and before we were married, he did not always remain faithful but he claims the last time anything like that happened was when I was pregnant with our now 18 year old daughter. Of course I think he & I have a differnce of opinion on the definition of infidelity. 5 years ago he participated in a type of floor show at a company function (bunch of guys rent a cabin in Tahoe, invite clients, drink & eat and do other “manly” things) with a “stripper”. Basically she stuck a lollipop in his mouth and with no other nice way to put it she f***ked it. I’m sure there was more but I stopped listening after that… I guess he thought that by telling me, that made it ok. I asked him if he had sex with her but he claims he didn’t, I asked him why he volunteered instead of letting a single guy participate and he said something stupid like “partyman can’t let the guys down”. Never once did he apologize, nor could he understand why I was upset. I tried to tell him that his stupid behavior and his drinking had to stop or our relationship was going to self destruct but he wouldn’t listen. So, I stopped sleeping in the same room as him. He would ask when I was going to come back to our bed and I would respond with “when you quit drinking”. He said “we all make our choices” and left it at that. Basically we just kind of accepted things and moved on. We are very good friends, enjoy each other’s company and get along well – we just weren’t having sex. Several months ago he signed up for a FaceBook account and not long after my daughter noticed he was being rather flirty with a couple of girls he knew in high school. I started paying attention as well. I checked his phone and found that he had been calling one girl in particular very frequently, so I went onto his Facebook account and checked his messages. He had met up with this girl behind my back on more than one occasion. Sent her a message saying “kissing you makes everything ok”. When I confronted him, he lied at first and then told me that yes they had met up a couple of times but they are just friends… Now here comes the truly weird part of the story – I actually believed him and decided to give our relationship another chance. We started talking more, spending more time together, not focusing only on our kids but each other and things were going really well. The sex was GREAT at first but then he started “having difficulties” – usually when he drank too much. Then I discovered he was looking at porn. Not just once in a while, but every time we left the house. The kids & I would come home and through the window you could see him watching and he acts like it’s totally normal. So I started checking his computer and found that he even does it when we’re home. In fact, he was in his room the other day looking at porn while my son & a friend of his were playing in the other room! This is not normal. I just don’t know if I can deal with this anymore. Seems like it is just one thing after another and he claims I am overreacting. He actually said that if I wasn’t such a snoop, there wouldn’t be a problem. Between the drinking, lying & porn, the kids have lost all respect for him. They constantly urge me to kick him out. I’ve asked him to go to therapy with me and he refuses. He doesn’t have a problem, I’m the crazy one… Any advice?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are not overreacting. You’re just reluctant to end your marriage. 🙁 Clearly your husband has a problem and it manifests itself in alcoholism, lying and pornography to the extent that your 12 year old is affected. As a responsible parent, you have to protect your child — even if it means separating from your husband. I know it’s a hard thing to do, but I’m quite sure you already know you have to do it, and you want me to give you the push you’re craving. Well, here it comes! 😉

Your children aren’t stupid. They’re old enough and bright enough to see your husband is disrespecting you, them and himself. This is a very poor role model for them and it’s a poor relationship model. If for no one else but your children, you need to move on. Kids model what they know and you need to show them strength and morality here. Your husband is clearly cheating on you with no regard for your feelings, and he’s flirting with women and watching porn in full view of your children.

Aside from all his bad behavior, YOU actually have a chance at making a good life for yourself and finding another husband who is a super duper guy. You owe it to yourself and your children to move on. Who knows? Maybe as a byproduct of your taking care of yourself, your soon to be ex-husband will hit bottom and decide to change his life — but that’s his journey. You need to break the pattern of dysfunction and disrespect in your home by stepping it up and raising the bar for yourself and your kids.

I hope that helps.

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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