[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 6 years. During that time, she never had a steady job, but preferred to jump from one temporary gig to another, while collecting lots of unemployment in between. This has always bothered me, and even from the early days of our relationship, I kept telling her how she really ought to settle down (keep in mind, she’s not a kid, she’s almost 40.) She claims she’s too much of a “free spirit” to feel comfortable at a steady job. I’m the sort of person, though, who really values stability, and I’ve had my current job for the past 13 years. Do I love it everyday? Of course not. There are days when it drives me insane. But I stick it out because it pays the bills. She says she could never do that. She says the moment she feels bored at a job, she has to leave.
Time went by, and nothing changed. We never lived together, but I always feared that we would get to a point where she wouldn’t be able to afford to pay her rent, and I’d end up feeling obligated to support her. Aside from that, I just find it hard to respect somebody who makes no attempt to earn a steady living. Anyway, throughout most of our relationship, fortunately, she’s always been able to get by with what little money she managed to scrape together (though we never get to go on vacations since she can’t afford it, and even if I pay for her share of it, she doesn’t work the sorts of jobs where they offer vacation time, so she’d just lose even more money if she went.)
Within the past few months, she has needed to borrow over a thousand dollars from me for various reasons emergencies. I lent her the money because I couldn’t very well say, “Well, hey, you should have gotten a steady job. Guess you’ll have to live on the street now and your pets will have to die.” But, realistically, I don’t expect to get the money paid back to me. She’s already in so much debt with with colleges, the IRS, etc, etc. If she’s not making a real attempt to pay them back, I don’t suppose she’ll make an attempt to pay me back either.
Honestly, though, the money itself isn’t a huge deal. I’ve been very careful over the years, and even though I don’t earn a huge amount, I’ve been able to save quite a lot, so it’s not a big deal to help someone out. But the principle of it is what bothers me so much. And I find it hard to really see a future with somebody who can’t pull themselves together enough to get their finances in at least some kind of order. Please don’t get me wrong– I’m not saying she has to have a GREAT job or earn lots of money, I just really would like her to have some level of stability, and I’ve told her that many times.
I understand relationships are about helping each other out, but I also feel she should be helping herself, and she hasn’t been doing that.
Any suggestions on moving forward? Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

No, you’re not wrong to be annoyed by this, but you really sunk yourself in a hole by tolerating it for six years! Clearly, your girlfriend is not going to change. The real question is, will you? 😮 It’s time for you to move on. She doesn’t share your values and the discrepancy between your characters and your lifestyle goals is so great that you’re going to be miserable and resentful in the long run. This kind of dynamic results in blame, acting out and chronic fighting.

Accept who she is and understand that you’re not compatible. You can love someone, but you’re not doing them any favors if you’re enabling unhealthy behavior. I know it’s hard for you to do this, but you have to move on and stop wasting your time and hers.

I hope that helps, and that you’ll let me know how things go.

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Member]

Posts