[Lilmellis]

I’m female 25 my ex is 26. we were together for three years and we’ve known each other for 10 years.

I need to know if I’m crazy, if I’m reading too far into these things. Or if I should just trust my gut and go with the flow. And how to do that. The other thing I really need to work on is how to be out of my own way, and not get defeated by the fact that maybe she’s the one who is confused so here’s the gist,

We split in February for good, she says that she has to stop loving me because it hurts too much. She pretty much resorted to the fact that I would never understand why she was hurt. She immediately starts dating some guy. I’m devastated but wanted to understand to really gain some insight. I ended up getting treated for depression. and all of the things that she had been saying for months started to make sense.

So she left because she was hurt, and mad that it ever had to come to that. She felt like I was emotionally unavailable and that I didn’t meet her in the middle and that I was blaming her for the unhappiness we were feeling and that I wasn’t listening to her when she was saying that she was done.

Here’s my biggest issue, she never took any of her stuff. She left her movies stuff in the storage stuff in the bathroom, stuff in the bedroom. But it gets even worse she never gave me no contact maybe for a few days. I never wanted to break up I never wanted to separator lives I always want this to work out. So I kind of waited for her to make a change. To split it up. Even offered to. But she has declined so many times. We still have joint bank accounts, phone accounts, Car insurance, Costco membership, gym membership, she’s even paying on my credit cards and using our second car as a mode of transportation. She has her own job and her own money it’s not like I’m supporting her.

We take turns paying for lunch and dinner she comes over to my house on a weekly basis we watch shows we run errands, she has even spent the night a few times. Nothing physically intimate happens but we cuddle. I kissed her four head and shoulder, she’ll come over and crawl in my bed and take a nap for hours. And she tells me that I’m the one who’s confused. That she doesn’t know if he’ll ever get back together.

She has told me that she just doesn’t have those feelings right now and she knows how I feel about her we’re very honest with each other. She’s even gone as far as to say I’m working on myself as much as you’re working on yourself and I’m trying to heal mentally you and I aren’t an option right now and if we ever became an option I would want to be able to jump in headfirst and know that this isn’t a chance that would be wasted. But then she tells me that she just needs me to be a friend she then turned around and said I didn’t stop loving you because I wanted to stop loving you because I had to because it hurt too much to love you right now. And right before he told me that she was working on yourself as far as her and I are concerned she wanted to remind me that she’s in a relationship with this guy. It’s not news I already know, I felt like she was reminding herself. The other thing she always tells me is that she’ll let me know if I cross the line like if I need to tone it down a notch. But we seriously cuddle all the time we make jokes about us we laugh we watch shows in bedwe flirt we text, even if it was a friend thing is it ever okay to sleep in a bed with your ex?

and that the guy she’s with shares the same family values and that they think a lot alike and they have the same sense of humor and that he makes her be just enough of an adult but they can still have fun. It makes me feel like she just doesn’t need me but then why is this all happening? I even asked her if she’s been honest with him does he know that we’re still join? That you spent the night? She says yes. She says that he knows what’s going on, because I think she’s told him that’s just a friend thing but do you do this with your friends? And as that guy how do you function? How are you okay with this? I would never be okay if my current girlfriend went and took a nap at your exes house or had a joint life with them.

The bottom line is her actions don’t match the words, I can really feel that she’s being open to my changes and she’s being emotionally supportive and encouraging and acknowledging the changes that she sees she’s even going as far as to tell me when things are bothering her as opposed to holding them in. The bottom line is her actions don’t match the words, What’s happening here? Am I winning? How do I win? It’s like the only thing that’s missing from our life is us. And it’s not even that because she’s here A lot of the time just not on a permanently overnight basis and on an intimate basis.
Please help me this is like nothing I’ve ever encountered before break ups are supposed to be cut and dry this is not that obviously I don’t want her to go, I don’t want to lose her. I’ve given her the option to leave so many times and she’s asked of being around is hurting me. The thought of not having your makes me physically sick we’ve been friends for so long that not having her in my life doesn’t make sense. I know that she could be leaving it up to me to split everything up but she knows that I won’t but she’s not either. Neither of us are going so what is happening here? Please help me I don’t want to go I just want to have her back how do I win?

I honestly feel like this guys a safe choice he’s not physically the type she would usually go for and they don’t have anything connected or tied together. they never post anything on Facebook you never see anything about their happiness it’s only been three or four monthswhere is all their happiness? We post pictures when we go to the grocery store or when we bought new eyeglasses this is it something you do with your friends. Her relationship status is even changed on Facebook.

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like you’ve been in a lesbian relationship with another woman for three years, but in February, she left you because she was having emotional problems. Now, four months later, she’s dating a man, but she’s also spending a lot of time with you and keeping things and shared financial arrangements between you. You want a real relationship with her, and you’re confused and frustrated by her spending time and emotions with you — and with this other man.

Let me know if I got any of that wrong. 😉

It sounds like you’re in the friend zone with your ex, and you’re looking to her for clues, but she’s not offering you any. She’s fine with the status quo, which means a romantic and sexual relationship with the man in her life, and a friend zone relationship with you — that includes financial entanglements. The reality is that the ball is actually in your court. She’s made herself very clear — even though you don’t like what she’s showing you. Sometimes when people break up, they beg and demand closure — without realizing that they’ve already got it, but it doesn’t look the way they want it to. In this case, you’ve got an ex who wants blurred lines with you, and a relationship with a man. You get to decide what you want, now. 😉 When you do, it’s important to be clear so as to avoid confusion, and to implement boundaries and behavior that matches what you want. You can always change your mind — and as you know, relationships change, too — but if you don’t want to be in the friend zone, get out of it. And if you want to date her, only, then make that clear.

You’re not crazy, and you’re not winning — but you do have an opportunity to define your goals in this relationship and your life.

Hope that helps!

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[Lilmellis]

No you’re right so far about the lesbian thing I like women but she’s bisexual. So being with men is not a new thing for her and it’s not like seeing her with men upsets me we’ve been friends for 10 years and I was her best friend before we started dating I know her better than anybody so here’s what I’m thinking

You’re right there’s some opportunity here I really appreciate it! I know it seems that way but this isn’t just something small we’ve been friends for 10 years we were best friends before we started dating if I cut the cord and separate all of our stuff it’s going to be forever there’s no going back. For me there is no gray area

I want to be with her there is no question about it I never wanted to break up as clear as she has been about her feelings I have been crystal-clear about mine and all of the things that I do and say she’s aware that my feelings have not changed. She’s even gone as far as to say I’ll let you know if something needs to stop. But it never does,she even mentioned something about watching me fight myself when I’m thinking about saying something or doing something. Most of the time it’s because I just want to tell her that I lover I that I want to kiss her but it’s just not the right time I want her to come to me that’s the only way I’m going to know if it’s okay at this point I don’t think it’s me that’s the issue.I never knew that I was causing pain this depression was like a curtain over my eyes. Yeah she saw me in a weak state of mind but she’s also send me improve and she’s constantly telling me about it and reinforcing it every day.

We acknowledge that the conversations are easier and she told me to stop apologizing that there’s nothing else I have to do she sees the improvements in my behavior and the way I talk and just everything about me every single day and it makes her feel more comfortable and safe. Who says that to their friend? She tells me that I’m the one confused but I know what I want there’s never been a question about that. I’m not the one that’s in a relationship I’m a free agent pursuing what I want 110% because for me she is it I don’t want to be The anybody else believe me I’ve tried I’ve been seeing other people and dating but it just doesn’t feel right and I’ve taken space it’s not like we didn’t. But she’s like a magnet and being in front of her is like getting air after you’ve been underwater for too long

It’s not like a regular break up where we’re not around each other or I’m begging to hang out with her she’s coming to me. Yeah I behaved like a terrible person for a while things got pretty ugly and I know that she was
Upset and mad and hurt she should’ve taken her stuff and left but instead she got some space jumped immediately into a rebound relationship.

she doesn’t post anything about it on Facebook she doesn’t show happiness in the relationship this guy is not a regular type of guy she whatever be with. She even wants to constantly remind me that she’s happy and that she’s in a relationship but then she says things like I’ll let you know if you need to stop or if I’m feeling uncomfortable.

I cuddle her I kiss your four head and her shoulders and rub her back she lets me she does those things back. She even comes and stayed at my house now obviously were not sexual but I don’t do that stuff with my friends.

she told me that she has shared what’s going on with him. It’s like if she was giving me a reason to move on I would do it but because of how hurt she was I can understand why she would want to be with someone else so that she could feel happy.

At the time I was completely unavailable emotionally and he gave her attention when I didn’t. He made it easy when I made it difficult. I totally get that but other than that he’s a safe choice everything else that she has she shares with me.

I honestly just feel like she’s hurt and I think she’s using him as a crutch like she can’t invest in me fully as long as she’s invested in him. She can do everything else and be around me and push boundaries but as long as she’s connected to him she can’t take it all the way I feel like she’s healing and wants me to be her friend and she’s not entirely sure what’s going to happen but it’s almost like she’s keeping me around so that we can rebuild a foundation and start over but she’s keeping him around so she doesn’t jump been completely to fast, she always jumps head first into relationships and I’m just thinking that maybe she’s afraid to jump because last time she did it I didn’t catch her and she doesn’t want it to fail if she does that make sense?

I realize what you’re saying but it feels different she’s not using me she has her own money is it bad that she wants to be close to me? Maybe it helps to remember how she feels. She said to me I didn’t stop loving you because I wanted to it was because I had to protect myself because it hurt too much. So could not mean that she still loves me? She’s not letting yourself because she’s afraid she’s going to get hurt like before

[AskApril Masini]

I think everything I’ve written to you already, is pretty good advice. 🙂

I’ll try to answer your specific questions — but they all seem to be about her feelings, not you or yours. 😕

[quote]I honestly just feel like she’s hurt and I think she’s using him as a crutch like she can’t invest in me fully as long as she’s invested in him. She can do everything else and be around me and push boundaries but as long as she’s connected to him she can’t take it all the way I feel like she’s healing and wants me to be her friend and she’s not entirely sure what’s going to happen but it’s almost like she’s keeping me around so that we can rebuild a foundation and start over but she’s keeping him around so she doesn’t jump been completely to fast, she always jumps head first into relationships and I’m just thinking that maybe she’s afraid to jump because last time she did it I didn’t catch her and she doesn’t want it to fail if she does that make sense? [/quote]

Yes, it make sense. What she’s doing is very clear.

[quote]I realize what you’re saying but it feels different she’s not using me she has her own money is it bad that she wants to be close to me?[/quote]

Her feelings aren’t bad. They’re her feelings. 😉

[quote]Maybe it helps to remember how she feels. She said to me I didn’t stop loving you because I wanted to it was because I had to protect myself because it hurt too much. So could not mean that she still loves me? [/quote]

I think you have to take her at her word. She is shielding herself from deep feelings of love, by dating a man instead of you.

Hope that helps.

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