[DarcyJohnston]

I have asked a question before. However, I wanted to ask again from an unbiased stand point to get a good answer.

Me: I am 21 years old, I am mature for my age, but i admit I have somethings to learn when it comes to a few aspects of a relationship. In specifics, the way I handle arguments. I tend to bring up past issues that i will explain later on as a way to justify my insecurities.

Her: 32 years old. Has been hurt in the past. Says she is in love with me but during times we argue gets guarded very easily. She was engaged until we met. The engagement was empty on her fiance’s side of things. he is bi-polar. and was constantly walking out. We started seeing each other 1 month before the engagement was officially over.

The situation: Things were amazing when we first started seeing each other. All that mattered to us was that we had found each other. We both had a glow about us that people at work could just see when they looked at us. this went on for about 3 months. Then she broke up with me. She had unresolved attachment issues with her ex fiance as she was still in love with the idea of what they had. After a hard month she told me she had resolved those issues and that it was me she was in love with. However, she did want to keep him as a friend.

Things have not been the same since. I think the issue for me lies in her ‘need’ to have him in her life in one way or another. She has always been an honest person. Too honest if I say so myself. I did lie a lot to get my way before I met her, never in a relationship, but in other ways. I changed that when her and I started because i knew how much it meant to her. When she broke up with me I made the mistake of buying a packet of cigarettes which i quit the year before. I lied to her about buying them as i was scared of what she would think. She found out and it caused problems. She had never fully trusted me from day 1, but this made it worse. After she forgave me for this, things seemed to get back on track.

I had given her all of my email and facebook passwords so she would know i had nothing to hide. One day she signed into one of my accounts. initially she lied about it and told me she hadnt. she swore she would never lie again. Until one day she was dropping off mail to her ex fiance she lied again about him running errands with her. which in itself hurt me more than i knew it would because it involved him.

The physical aspect of our relationship has also disappeared since the breakup. she is always tired. whereas in the beginning we would be out until 3 in the morning and it was no problem.

To make things worse she began to attend social events that her ex fiance would be at. his birthday and one of his bands shows. Both of which she swears she was just there as a friend.

How can I be secure about this? Am I wrong to feel insecure?

[Anonymous]

ummmmm I would say i dont blame her for wanting him in her life—-she is much older than you—and she is the person she is today because of past relationships…he is obv important to her…. BUT…pls make sure you are not just filling a void for her because her ex is emotionally unavailable due to being bipolar…. do you think she still loves him more than a friend—-be honest with yourself when u answer this queation….do you think she would still be with him if he wasnt bipolar? If so—-you need to tell her its all or nothing–she cant have her cake and eat it too…well she can…but its up to you if u want to live like that. Just make sure she truly wants to be with you and that she is over her ex for sure—and the best way to find out is ask.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I already answered your question on September 26. Although you think this is an “unbiased” version, it isn’t. It’s from your point of view, and that’s never going to be unbiased because you’re one of the parties directly involved.

For future, please link all questions that have to do with each other together.

In a nutshell, I advised you last month that as long as she wants her ex-fiance in your lives, you’re going to have problems. Clearly, that advice was valid. You’re not wrong to be insecure — she’s still interested in her ex-fiance.

The real question is why you choose to be with someone who is in involved with another man and who doesn’t want to put you first? Don’t you want a woman who wants you and only you? I think it’s time for you to get out of this mess and move on to find a healthy and happy relationship with someone who doesn’t have a bi-polar ex-fiance and trust issues that require you handing over all your internet passwords. 😕

I hope that helps.

Please join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

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