[beachlover]

I have a beautiful, athletic, smart 22 year old daughter that has a bad back from years of sports. After retiring from her sport, I hired her a personal trainer to help with fixing her back after physio and other avenues failed to help. Here in lies my issue. Her trainer who is 8 years older and a very handsome man pursued her in a romantic nature. They took their relationship very slow and after six months together deepened into a more committed relationship. I however feel that as I am paying for her training, he crossed the line in pursuing my daughter. They have been together for almost a year, but a few weeks back, he all of a sudden has become cold and distant with her and she has no idea what happened. He is very busy with his work, but he has a female employee that he spends lots of after work time with and when my daughter is with him, he spends long periods of time texting with her. This makes for an uncomfortable time at the gym for her. Am I crossing the line discussing this with him as I am the one paying for the training? Or should I let my daughter handle it? I am quite angry how he is treating her and as she had just healed from a bad breakup prior to him dating her, I am not comfortable watching her self confidence fade away. I feel she deserves better, and should have known better, but you can’t help who you fall in love with. They have gone from spending several days a week together and yes she stays with him at his place, to maybe twice a week. Usually once on the weekend and once during the week. I know she has tried to talk to him about his distancing and he says he is busy with work and has other issues. He told her its not that she is not a priority, but just that he has other things on his mind. She was out for the evening last night and as she was not late he was going to pick her up, however her bus was late by half an hour and he said he was too tired to get her. He then told her to contact him when she sobered up, which was confusing to her as she had only had 2 drinks and he had no idea how drunk she was. So, am I wrong to discuss this with him? and perhaps you have some advice with how she should deal with his behavior that I can pass on to her.
Thank you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It must be very difficult to see your daughter making decisions that aren’t good for her. 🙁 But this is an opportunity for you to talk to her about she should and shouldn’t expect from men and how to handle relationships when they’re not working out for her. This will cement your relationship with her and open the channel of communication so that she can come to you in future for more advice.

As for the guy, don’t talk to him. Your personal relationship is with your daughter, not him, and besides, by intervening, you’re taking the opportunity away from her, to take care of her own relationship. Support her, and try to let her take care of business — that’s how she’ll get her self esteem back. 😉

I would suggest that you stop paying him and find someone new to take care of her sports injuries, if you haven’t already.

Hope that helps.

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[beachlover]

Thank you, I am not sure if she will want to work with anyone else, however I am going to start looking for someone else to help her. As for the way he is treating her, they had a big fight last night, all because Saturday night she was out and he was going to pick her up at 11:30pm. The bus was late and she let him know a few minutes before he was heading out the door. He was so angry that she did not give him more time and he made a huge big deal out of it. He told her to talk to him when she sobered up and never did pick her up, I did. My daughter hardly ever drinks and in the ten months they have been together, he should know that. Last night she messaged him and he went on a tirade about how disrespectful she was and that she was messing with him and he doesn’t like being messed with. She tried to explain to him that it was an honest mistake, she really didn’t think to contact him earlier. He kept repeating that he couldn’t believe he had to explain to her about basic respect and him explaining to her will not change the person she is. She is totally shocked and unsure of what brought all this about because her bus was half an hour late. I feel there is more going on and he is not being honest with her. She tried to make peace last night and told him she understood why he was angry and apologized for it. When he went on and on about it, she said, I am sorry, I don’t know how many times I can apologize. She then said can we put this behind us and he said “That’s fine”. Is there any light you can shine on this and any ideas on how she can deal with this? I think she should give him space and let him come to her, however she is worried she is losing him. Thank you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you’re paying for the treatment, and you don’t like this guy, why not just stop paying him? I’m assuming that you’re the one paying for her medical care since you said that you hired him….Just stop paying and tell her that you are unhappy with the way he acts, and he’s not someone you want around, so you’ve decided not to employ him any more. If you want to pay for someone else, that’s fine. You may see that when you stop paying him, he disappears, if he’s really of the character you think he is.

Second, you need to parent her and tell her that what he’s doing is disrespectful and that it hurts you to watch this. Tell her that you think she can do better — if you haven’t already.

Lastly take inventory here and decide if this is bothering her, or just you. I can definitely see that you’re upset, but she’s an adult, and she’s making these choices which are hers to make. If she’s okay with the relationship, and you’re not, it might be time to look at how you can make things easier for yourself. 😉

I hope that helps!

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