[wonan615]

Hi April, Really need your advise as I do not want my friends or family to be involved as I do not want them to see my husband in a negative light. I am 30 next month and my husband will be 34 in June. We have both been married for slightly over 4 years now and was dating 6 years prior (so in total we have been together for 10 years). We recently have been fighting a lot and I admit I do not like it.

Some background information. The positives: He is a lovely man who do think of others including myself and is very caring. He cooks dinner for me most nights and does do things 80% of the time of what I request him to do. He does surprise me with little things once in awhile and stays home a lot. He’s very affectionate and hardworking too. He has not once put me down negatively. We have 3 cats which he absolutely adores (I feel sometimes, he pays more attention to them than he does to me!).

Now for some negatives: our sex life is non-existent as he’s not very interested but yet he looks at porn. He has rejected me a few times to my advances which made me feel humiliated so I’ve stopped making the first move. He is a chronic liar (lies about buying a ps4 game when I’ve already said no he shouldn’t get one due to financial reason but to wait. He has lied many other things as well in the past. Small lies but still lies nonetheless). He recently got laid off his job and was jobless for 4 months so that was a tough 4 months for me being the sole breadwinner and we were living from pay cheque to pay cheque. He was working prior to that but on a commission base and that was quite hard too for me as he didn’t earn much ($8000 a year in total). He recently just started his new job and even before he got his first pay cheque, he has been spending alot of money on McDonalds, Burger King and even bought himself a $140 game when I’ve already said no but to wait as mentioned earlier. So in 1.5 weeks since he started his new job before getting his first pay cheque, he has spent $225. When I asked him this, he said “well I’m earning more than $225 now”. That hurt me alot, that he lied flatout to my face about getting a game and also that he went to get a game anyway behind my back, hence doing the opposite of what I asked of him. Also, slightly over a year ago, I caught some of his messages on whatsapp to a random female (who lives overseas) about how he misses her and how he’s thinking about her all the time. I also found a few rude images of himself on his phone which I suspect he sent to this same female which he denied.

Yes I snoop in his laptop and cellphone as I do have some trust issues with him. It started when I accidentally found some sexual chat messages with girls online. He has never met them in person – this I know because they are all overseas. But he has had webcam chats with them and I caught him red-handed once doing the deed in our early years together. He doesn’t deem this as cheating even though I have told him of how I felt. It took me many years to get over it and I wished that I have broken it off with him before we got married. He hasn’t done it again since a year ago (not that I know of) and he will not answer or doesn’t know why he does it behind my back when I questioned about this. He promised he will not do it again (but he’s not very good at keeping promises either). He also did gave me permission to sexually chat to someone when I threatened to do so to let him have a taste of his medicine, which I was abit taken aback by. I have not done it as I did not want to sink to that level.

We have had alot of fights recently due to financial reasons and his lies. And he says I’m sour and that I put him down negatively. I must admit, I am not the most supportive person as I found it really hard to be supporting 2 of us for the past few years and I feel quite jealous of my other friends and family of same or similar age who are doing very well financially etc. We have also had a fight recently as he was playing alot of playstation and was neglecting me. We are fighting so much now to the point that he suggested that we should go our separate ways especially now that we have no children. This has got me thinking…should we go our separate ways or try and save our marriage? I do love him and that he is very caring and thoughtful but at the same time, I cannot stand his little lies and the insecurities I feel sometimes. Also, with him not wanting to have sex with his own wife but watch porn bugs me (He doesn’t seem very bothered by this by the way even though I have tried talking to him about it). I have suggested marriage counseling which he said no to.

There are days when I regretted marrying him but there are also days when I feel lucky to have him. He did say recently to me that he had no regrets marrying me.

I do apologise for a super long book which I have written. Hopefully, they make sense. Any advise is much appreciated and many thanks in advance!

[AskApril Masini]

You’ve got a tough situation because there a few things going on at the same time, all of which are challenges. First, he lies. It sounds like he was this way before you married him and he hasn’t changed since. When you’re married to someone who lies, you learn to expect that you’ll never trust him. It’s very difficult to achieve intimacy with someone who isn’t straight with you. Second, he cheated on you with what sounds like webcam sex with other women before the marriage, and now, in it as well. Because he doesn’t see this as betrayal and doesn’t seem to care that it hurts your feelings, you have a husband who’s not that interested in building unity with you, as much as he is interested in taking care of his own needs and feelings. Third, he’s got career and financial problems and men get their self esteem from their work, so he’s got personal problems going on that will affect the way he feels about himself, and that’s probably why he’s having these flirty, sexual relationships with other women — because he doesn’t have to answer to them with the fact that he’s having money problems, and he can role play as if he’s someone else or even a different type of guy. With you, he knows he’s disappointing you and himself, and being with you is probably a reminder of that, so he’s not that interested in intimacy with you because it’s too real and reality isn’t very comfortable right now for him.

One of your biggest challenges is your feelings of shame about the situation. I feel for you and I get it, but until you can be honest with a close friend or family member to confide in, you’re going to be enabling the marriage problems so you can control them and not let anyone know — and you really need the support of some close friends right now. This is a lot to handle on your own.

If you think your husband is capable of jumpstarting his career or getting his work life and his finances back in order, then you should try to be super supportive of his journey. It’s very easy to get mad at him, but if he’s trying and you can help, then that’s probably going to help him, you and the marriage. However…. if he’s on a downward spiral with work and career, and he doesn’t want to help himself, and this webcam business with other women is getting to be more and more pervasive, he’s going to have to hit bottom before he makes a change. Unfortunately, losing you may be part of that bottom for him.

I know that the idea of divorce is humiliating for you because you feel that the marriage’s failure is your fault, and reflects poorly on you and makes you feel ashamed, if he isn’t going to do anything to help himself and the marriage, then you’re the one who will have to change your behavior. As I said, you can try being supportive, but if that doesn’t work, you have to face the reality that the marriage isn’t working.

Let me know if this makes sense to you and if you have any other questions. 🙂

[wonan615]

Thank you very much for your input and advise, April. It is an eye opener. You sure are very good at what you do! I will follow your advise and will see what happens! Thanks again! x

[AskApril Masini]

Thank you! 🙂 If you have any more questions, please ask.

[Sally]

Love isn’t just about kindness on good days. It’s about feeling safe when things are messy. Right now, you don’t trust him. Not with money. Not with honesty. Not with your heart. And that kind of stress changes you. It makes anyone sharp and sour over time.

The porn, the lying, the spending, the sexual distance… none of those are tiny things when they keep happening. Especially when he won’t talk it through or meet you halfway with counseling.

I don’t think you’re crazy for loving him and doubting the marriage at the same time. Both can be true.
Sometimes staying starts to cost more than leaving. Only you can feel when that line gets crossed. Just listen to how your body feels when you imagine another five years like this. That answer matters.

[Member]

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