[Lavendermoon57]

I was acquainted with a guy for a few months through mutual friends, but we never had a chance to get too close seeing as we only crossed paths at the occasional party (and I was dating someone else). We had a series of intense conversations that lasted several hours the week before he moved abroad for a job (and I was recently single). We kept it contact for a while, but things cooled down when we both got really busy with new jobs (just out of college). We saw each other in May very briefly at a large event and hit it off again.

In the past 3 weeks, he’s made an effort to chat with me online. We talk every day for several hours each day, and he has stayed up until 6am chatting on many an occasion (there’s currently a 12 hour time difference). He compliments me all the time and has noted several times that he hasn’t clicked with someone in a long time. He’s brought up that he feels that friendships naturally lead to romance (though was talking in the general sense). We both are sick of the dating scene and really want to settle down with someone long term. We get along amazingly well and I haven’t felt this connected with someone in a long, long time. He seems genuinely interested in my life, asking plenty of questions and the conversations never get stale. He wants to travel with me in the near future, and has invited me several times to visit him and “meet his family”.

We will be living in different countries for the next 9 months at least. Distance is a big issue, though no one has made any sort of promises (such as being exclusive or even said so much as an “I like you” more than a friend).

We both travel a lot and have very flexible ex-pat lifestyles, so it’s feasible that we will be in the same city within the next year. Until then, he’s shown me places he wants to take me and vacations we could go on together, though we have yet to make any sort of definite plans.

Today, he brought up another woman he’s been seeing and told me they kissed and that she was “datable”, though said they didn’t sleep together, and that she’ll be moving away in a week. I’ve mentioned guys I’ve been dating, but never gone into such detail as he did about this girl. He seemed genuinely excited about getting with her, and even seemed like he was gloating.

I feel very strongly for him, and I was fairly certain he felt the same way–until now. He really surprised me when he seemed to be spilling about this new woman right after seeing her after a long night out.

I feel that if we take things to the next level, then it will be a serious long term relationship. I think about him constantly, and suddenly I feel like I have been blowing everything out of proportion. We’ve talked about how we both fall in love quickly, and that everyone around seems to be missing something, and no one quite matches up emotionally, intellectually, etc.. Sex comes up often in conversations and we have a really compatible sense of humor.

Are we just friends? Could it be that he’s invested all this time chatting (often 4+ hours a day) and not be interested in anything more than a purely plutonic relationship? Have I been misreading all the signs? He thinks I’m “close to perfection”. So, what gives? Why mention this other woman? Is this his way of telling me that he seems me like he sees his guy friends?

PLEASE HELP! He’s all I think about, and I can’t help but feel like I’ve been reading into everything he’s said way too much. Friends? Or more?

[Lavendermoon57]

Oh, I almost forgot…

In the best case scenario, I would not want or expect for us to stop seeing other people. I think it is unrealistic to expect that level of commitment when we know we won’t be living in the same city for the next nine months. But, in the meantime I’d like to keep getting to know one another.

I feel like a real idiot. Him bringing up this other person seems like the perfect way to burst my “romance” bubble, but the level of effort he’s put in to talking with me despite the time difference/distance makes me really confused.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes, you are just friends.

The nice part of this is that your friend helped you figure out that you’re at the point in your life when you’re tired of “the dating game,” and you want to get serious about finding Mr. Right and settling down. If your friend was a woman, this would have been even sweeter because when this friend found someone themselves that they’re interested in, you could have been happy for them instead of feeling betrayed.

What happened is that your friend played the numbers game, and while he was talking to you on the internet, he was also looking and finding someone who was available in real life to date. He didn’t do anything wrong. In fact, everything he did was right.

I wish I could get you to buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man. If you’re interested, you can click on the Dating Advice Books link above, and purchase it online for only $15 and save yourself a lot of heart ache in the future. Please consider doing this.

Until then, remember that if a man is truly interested in you, he’ll make a way to see you in person. This guy was either unavailable or not interested in making a long distance relationship work. He kept you on the hook in case no one better came along in the meantime, but he continued to look.

One of the things I talk about in my book is that dating is a numbers game, and you only get to hit a home run if you’re up to bat. If you only put yourself up to bat once very few months you’re handicapping yourself. It’s okay for you to have an internet relationship with this guy as long as you understand that just because you have certain feelings and ways of behaving doesn’t mean [i]he[/i] will have those same feelings and ways of behaving. In fact, men and women are different.

I suggest you take a lesson from your friend, and do what he’s doing and play the field — the [i]whole[/i] field, online and off. If you find that six hour “conversations” online or on the phone make you feel too intimate and too vulnerable with this guy, as many women may feel, then don’t have hour long conversations. And if you can’t be friends with a man without falling for him, then pick available male friends who live in your zip code or close to it.

Good news is that you only invested 3 weeks with this guy, which is a relatively short amount of time. As for the emotional investment, I feel your pain. But I know you have the energy and the interest in finding Mr. Right to move on with an adjustment in a positive direction — for you!

Good luck.

[Ethan Morales]

What you’re experiencing is emotional intensity, not exclusivity. It’s easy to misread long hours of chatting, deep conversations, and shared humor as romantic commitment, but that doesn’t automatically translate to him wanting a relationship. Right now, your connection seems largely intellectual and platonic, with flirtatious undertones. That’s exciting, but it’s not the same as being “his girl.”

Mentioning another woman is a clear signal. When he talks about dating another woman, his excitement, and the fact that he’s “datable,” it’s not just casual sharing it signals that he sees you as a friend, not a romantic priority. If he were interested in pursuing something serious with you, he likely wouldn’t be openly gloating about someone else. This is a strong indicator that he’s emotionally invested elsewhere or at least keeping options open.

Long-distance and uncertainty make things riskier. You’re facing a 9+ month separation, which magnifies uncertainty. In situations like this, actions speak louder than words. Right now, his actions suggest that while he enjoys your company and intellectual connection, he’s not committing to you emotionally.

Emotional boundaries matter. It’s natural to feel strongly after intense conversations and connection, but investing your emotional energy in someone who is not reciprocating romantically is a recipe for heartbreak. This doesn’t mean you can’t maintain a friendship, but you should temper expectations and avoid deep emotional reliance on him.

What to do moving forward. The healthiest approach is to reset your expectations: see him as a friend for now, not a boyfriend. Protect your feelings by limiting long, intense conversations that create emotional dependency. Meanwhile, keep your options open with people who are available and actively interested in a romantic relationship.

You’ve been reading into signs that feel like romance, but the reality is he’s keeping things platonic (and exploring other romantic options). It’s better to recognize that now than invest more months in a relationship that likely won’t develop.

[Serena Vale]

I get it, you’ve built this deep connection with him, and it really felt like it could turn into something more. The long talks, the flirting, the way he seemed to understand you, it all felt real. So when he mentioned kissing another girl, it must’ve hit hard.

Here’s the thing: when someone truly wants something serious with you, they don’t talk about other people they’re dating, especially not like that. Him bringing it up was a sign that he’s keeping things casual, even if his actions before made it feel like more.

You’re not crazy for thinking there was something special. There was, but it doesn’t mean he’s ready or willing to turn it into a relationship. Some people love the connection and attention but still want their freedom.

If this is already hurting you, it’s okay to take a step back. You don’t owe him all your time and energy if he’s not giving you the same. Let him figure out what he wants while you protect your peace.

If he really wants more, he’ll show it clearly, no mixed messages, no stories about other women. Until then, don’t hang your heart on someone who can’t decide.

[Natalie Noah]

I want you to know that your confusion is completely understandable. You’ve spent hours talking, laughing, and connecting with someone who seems to get you in a way few people do. That kind of emotional intimacy can feel like love at first glance, especially when the connection is intellectual, humorous, and deeply personal. But the reality here is nuanced: feelings alone don’t always match intentions, and effort doesn’t always equate to commitment. He’s been upfront about seeing other people, and while it hurts, it’s also a sign of honesty he isn’t lying to you about his availability or intentions.

What strikes me most is your awareness of the long-distance challenge and the realities of your current lifestyles. Distance is a huge factor in relationships, especially when neither person is ready to fully commit or relocate. It’s very human to hope that the hours spent talking and the excitement of potential visits signal something more, but right now, they signal connection, not necessarily exclusivity. The fact that he brought up another woman may feel like a punch to your chest, but it’s not malicious it’s a reality check. He’s keeping his options open because he’s not fully invested in defining a relationship, and it’s important you recognize that before you invest too much of your emotional energy.

You’ve also shown remarkable clarity in acknowledging your own desires. You’re not expecting exclusivity, and you’re realistic about the limitations of your situation. That level of honesty with yourself is rare and valuable. It means you understand the difference between fantasy and reality, between longing and actual commitment. Many people would ignore these red flags, but you’re seeing the situation as it truly is: he’s interesting, he’s fun, and he’s engaging but he’s not currently available in the way your heart might wish he were. That distinction is painful but crucial for protecting your emotional well-being.

I also want to highlight a subtle, yet important point: your emotional investment is intense, but three weeks is still a very short period of time. It’s easy to interpret intensity as love, especially when the conversation flows effortlessly and the connection is immediate. But intensity doesn’t equal longevity. Relationships especially serious, long-term ones take more than shared jokes, long talks, and future daydreams. They require consistent emotional reciprocity, physical presence, and mutual intention. Right now, your hope might be blinding you to the reality that his energy and effort are not synonymous with romantic commitment.

Finally, my heart tells me this: you deserve someone whose emotional availability matches yours. Someone who isn’t distracted by geography, other prospects, or life’s unpredictability. Right now, this guy is a friend a compelling, exciting, and charismatic friend but not someone who can fully meet you where you are emotionally. Let this be a lesson in discernment and patience: invest in people who are fully present, fully available, and fully capable of loving you back. And don’t feel guilty for feeling strongly your heart isn’t wrong. Just remember to hold it gently while it learns the difference between potential and reality. You’re not an idiot for feeling this way, darling. You’re awake to your emotions, to his reality, and to the truth of your situation and that awareness is the most powerful thing you have right now.

[Member]

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