[sawhme]

So if anyone’s read my last post you would know I’ve been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for 7 months now. I knew he wasn’t a virgin even before we were an official couple. But omg the PAIN it caused me knowing this about him is SO unbearable. Obviously now it doesn’t bother me as much but whenever there’s a little trigger that reminds me of it I get all depressed and disgusted. I was a virgin when I met him. We fell madly in love and we still are to this day. I don’t regret losing it to him because I told myself I would only do it if I was in love and a long-term relationship which I knew would last. I also view sex as a way of expressing true love, which is why I wasn’t stupid enough to give it up to the first guy who “touched me down there.”(sorry if that’s too much info) He told me that when he had sex before it was only for sex and it was on impulse and immaturity. Now he’s more mature and says when he has sex with me its not JUST sex like it was with the others, with me it’s making love. He claimed to never have sex again with anyone else after those girls unless he was in love…and ta-da here comes me!I understand he was young, I mean i understand it’s like nearly impossible to find a 21 year old virgin. I guess I can truly never forget I wasn’t his first but how can I get over these little things that trigger my memory about it?

[Ask April Masini]

The best way to combat your pain when you remember that your boyfriend had other lovers before you is twofold. First of all, with time and maturity, you’ll realize maybe one day, you too, will have another lover and he will have to understand that he is not your first, and that you’ve been with someone else before him. I know that may be hard for you to wrap your head around right now, but think about it.

The other way for you to alleviate some of your pain from not being your boyfriend’s first lover is to understand that everybody brings things to a relationship and there are probably experiences you’ve had that your boyfriend hasn’t yet, and vice versa. Sex is often a loaded topic because it is such a big deal for so many people — especially people who are new to having sex. It’s very personal and intimate, especially for women, and you’re probably imposing the value [i]you[/i] put on sex on your boyfriend. In other words, you may think it’s as important to him — or to other people like his ex-girlfriends — as it is to you.

If you can allow that your experience with sex and your values surrounding it are yours and yours alone, and that other people may feel differently about it, then maybe you won’t put so much emphasis on the differences between you and your boyfriend in terms of sexual experience.

The bottom line is that he loves and respects you, and you have to decide if you can accept him, for better or for worse, with all your differences, and move on with an eye to the future, and not the past.

[sawhme]

Sorry I’m not sure I understand what you were explaining in the first two paragraphs. I mentioned I was a virgin when I met him and he was my first, the other one’s I had I never went that far with. Yeah its hard to wrap my mind around because I want to be with this man forever, which includes marriage; my first and only lover.

Also, he had different values than I did BEFORE he met me, this was also when he was very young. When we met he was much older and had already changed his values and beliefs on sex before he met me. Which is why when we did it for the first time it was meaningful and full off love and committment, whereas, the past girls he was with were only for short-term fun. I mean to even be reminded of those little things he did like kissing her, caressing her, putting his penis in her and thrusting away, ugh it bothers me soo much 🙁 😥

Yes for the most part im past it but whem im reminded, im reminded and there’s nothing to stop it.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m happy to clarify for you:

If you end up marrying your boyfriend and live happily ever after together, then you will have gotten part of what you’ve always wanted, it seems, in that you only ever had sex with one man. The part you didn’t get is that your possibly future husband had sex with other women besides you. However, since you’re both (I think) in your early 20s — possibly 21, only — there is a chance that he may not be the only person you ever have sex with. I know it’s what you want, but maybe, just maybe, you may not marry him, and you may go on to date other people. That’s why I wrote you that with time, and maturity, you may come to understand that things change, and what you set as your goals today may become different than what you set as your goals for the future, depending on how life unfolds for you.

And while sex is a really big deal for you now because you’ve recently lost your virginity to the man you hope will marry you, you may also eventually understand that in any relationship there are lots of inequities. Some of them are cultural, some are financial, some are educational — we all bring differences as well as similarities to a relationship. Right now you’re focusing on your sexual experience differences. At some point down the line (whenever that may be), you may realize that a difference in sexuality is perhaps not as important as a difference in financial backgrounds, or as a difference in family backgrounds.

When you make these realizations, as described above, the pain you feel now at remembering the differences you and your boyfriend have when it comes to sex may not hurt as badly.

Time heals. So does understanding how we all come to the places we are, and that you have choices in your life.

I hope that helps.

[sawhme]

Well I guess what im hoping for here is a fairytale relationship aren’t I? I guess speaking in terms of how things are going now with the both of us, yes I do and WE do see this lasting up to marriage. However, speaking realistically, things could happen, one thing could lead to another, and we may not end up being together (he would be so mad if he knew I thought about this as a possibility). I remember speaking with him when we first started dating about how a relationship can last forever. We both agreed that as long as we had communication, honesty, loyalty, unconditional love, understanding, and just enjoy each other we would stay together. I guess I’ll never know the real formula to a lasting relationship unless we practice these values and more 😕 What are your takes on a healthy, long-lasting relationship? How can we keep our fairytale dream alive?

I’m hoping it won’t be such a big deal for me in the future, obviously it’s a big deal now because I just recenty lost it. I’m hoping it’ll be the least of my worries and we can be together and move on without me being paranoid about it too often.

[Ask April Masini]

The trick here is balancing keeping your eye on the horizon, and also being in the here and now. That’s a lot easier said than done, but I think you can do it — especially because you’ve proved here how thoughtful and honest you are about your own feelings and the situation.

When I talked to you about time and maturity being key, I was trying to get you to see that it’s good to have hopes and dreams, or the fairy tale relationship, as you call it, but it’s also important not to put all your eggs in that basket, and to be realistic that all of us come to the table with less than fairy tale life experiences and life has a tendency to send us into unexpected tailspins every now and then. So keep your dream, and be in the moment — AND be flexible for times when your reality shifts, and your fairy tale gets knocked off kilter. Allow yourself to recreate your fairy tale as life unfolds.

If you can keep this in mind and live it, you’re going to have a great life regardless of what happens. 😀

[sawhme]

Alright well I’m just going to keep dealing with the now and just take life day by day. I guess if we both work together and be able to adjust to each other’s lives than things will go smoothly. It doesn’t make it any easier when all my friends and his close friends around us are all in 2-3+ yrs relationships, some of them even engaged. It puts a lot of pressure on us but I think we can meet and even exceed the standard those friends have set 🙂 Thank you for all your help, I’m sure this won’t be the last issue I come to you for advice on though!

[Ask April Masini]

That sounds great. I’m glad I could help.

Good luck! 😀

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