[Devon7]

My boyfriend and I dated for 3 years… and we were inseparable. The two of us were made for each other. We were more than each other’s significant other, we were each other’s best friend as well. He broke up with me in January of this year.
He is 23 and I am 22… he just graduated college in December, and was thrown out into the world to try and find a job. In addition to that, my whole family is in the process of moving to the midwest. (we currently live on the east coast). The news of the move came as a big shock to me, and as I was trying to wrap my head around it, I was trying to come up with ideas here and there as to what I could do to please my family and the love of my life. I had asked my boyfriend to toy around with the idea of moving closer to their area with me (again, nothing was set in stone, it was just my way of thinking aloud). He didn’t want to move there, and rightfully so – I don’t want to either, and as a matter of fact, I have made my official decision not to. So my family is moving, but I am not. (sorry if this is getting long and confusing).
It took me forever to even get a reason out of my boyfriend as to why he broke up with me. I was devastated – naturally. I went into a severe depression, and moped and cried and did everything that I shouldn’t do. I tried calling and texting and e-mailing, and of course, got no response. I was still at the point where I didn’t even know why he broke up with me. He finally answered his phone about 2 weeks in, and spoke to me for a little bit. He said that he was feeling pressure to move, and that with school ending and him trying to find a job, he just wanted to be alone right now. He doesn’t want a girlfriend… he just wants to do things for himself.
I completely stopped calling him then. Very soon after, he began calling me! I couldn’t believe it. First he would call me every couple of days, but then it quickly turned into him calling me every single day (he even started calling me every night before he went to bed, just like he used to while we were dating). He also started coming over to my house and spending time with me. It was a bit awkward the first few times, but he soon warmed up to me like nothing ever happened.
While he is over and we are alone, he will cuddle with me, hold my hand, kiss my forehead and cheeks, etc. We make shadow puppets on the wall, laugh and act goofy with one another (when I say we are the perfect match for each other – I really mean it!)
He is in a band, and for 3 years I have gone to almost every single show. 2 weeks ago, he played a show, and I asked him if I could get a ride with him to it, and after a long hesitation, he said something along the lines of “Well…. fine, i guess i can… but I can’t promise that i’ll give you a ride home.” I couldn’t believe that answer! When I asked him why it was such a problem (because as i said, he’s been coming over and calling non stop) he said that if we show up and leave together, the guys in his band were going to ask questions. Everyone was going to think we got back together and ask him about it and such and he didn’t feel like dealing with it. I was so upset by that, I told him (calmly and nicely) that I wasn’t going to go, and then that way he wouldn’t have to feel awkward with having me there. Would you believe he called me at 2 in the morning and said that he was almost home and he just wanted to say goodnight to me and that he missed me at his show. (?????) He didn’t want to drive me, but he MISSED me? Wow…
Anyway… so another week went by, and again, he called me every evening, and came over a couple evenings as well. Then Saturday rolls around, and it’s a week after his show. A mutual friend of ours had a birthday get together at a local restaurant. All the same people that would have been at his concert were there. He actually called me up and asked if I wanted to ride there with him. Maybe he had a change of heart? I don’t know, but I had eaten already, and I decided not to go to the place at all. Then – 1:00 in the morning I hear a knock at my door, and it’s him! He has this big smile on his face and said that he wanted to surprise me and see me. I mean, i was really happy to see him – I ALWAYS am, but I just don’t understand…
Over the course of this breakup, he has told me numerous times that I am “the only girl for him” and that he still loves me. He also says that he’s not out looking for any other girls… he just doesn’t want a girlfriend right now because he wants to do things for himself. In addition to all that, whenever i mention my parents moving he says things like “don’t worry, you won’t be alone when they’re gone… I’ll be around.” and things of that nature. I know you may be thinking that it sounds like he may be stringing me along, but he knows how I feel about him, and It would be completely against his personality to do that to me. I love him with my whole heart and i know he loves me – do you know what might be going through his head?
He has since found a great job, and It is definite that I am not moving… do you think all this progress is his way of slowly trying to get back to where we were?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend felt pressured by two events. The first is his college graduation and needing to get a job in the real world. The second is that you wanted him to move to the mid-west with you and your family. All of a sudden, he was anxious more than he was carefree. His life was not fun and he couldn’t get rid of the fact that it was time for him to launch into the world and get a job, but he could get rid of his relationship with you in order to relieve the pressure he felt from you to move with him. Even though you decided not to move with your family, it doesn’t take away from the fact that you pressured him when you did.

Men don’t want to feel pressured. They don’t want to be backed into a corner. They want to feel like they’re the ones making the decisions. This is very important for you to learn. When you take the pressure off of him, you get to see how he really feels.

It sounds like he’s making his way back to you, but he isn’t ready for a big commitment like moving with you, living with you or marriage. If you push him towards that, he’s going to bolt again.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Devon7]

I feel so horrible for pressuring him… my intention was never to pressure him into anything, and I just wish I could go back and fix that. I really love him with all of my heart.

What would you suggest I do, or how would you suggest I act for the time being? As I said, he calls me every night before he goes to bed, and he has been coming over at least once or twice every weekend to either spend time with me at the house, or to go grab a bite to eat. When he does come over, he will hold my hand or put his arm around me or cuddle… and I don’t stop him, because for that moment, I feel like everything is back to normal. He even -within the past several weeks – started calling me the little “pet names” he had for me while we were dating. What do you think I should do? Just keep everything up the way things have been going, and hope for the best? Or should I tell him not to do those things, and act all aloof while i’m around him?

My one wish and goal is to get him back, April. I wish you could see the two of us together…
My heart really is broken right now. I try to find solace in the fact that so many couples break and up end up getting back together, so it’s definitely a possibility. He could have just cut all ties with me, if he wanted to – but he didn’t.
I don’t want to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing because I don’t want to mess up any of the progress that has been made.
Do you have any suggestions?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Go easy! It sounds like you ARE getting him back. 😀 But you have to let him lead. That means you’re not going to have the certainty you want when you want it. He’s going to have some control of that. I know that makes you anxious, but I encourage you to allow yourself to be anxious without acting on the feeling.

He’s calling you every night; he’s visiting you several times a week….just be yourself and be inviting and sexy and fun and things will go back to normal — and better. But remember: no pressure. Let him take charge!

See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]

[Devon7]

So this doesn’t sound like a hopeless case to you? I mean, he HAS to be interested in me to some extent, otherwise why would he continue to refer to me by the cutesy nicknames he made up for me, and call me before he goes to bed, right? Even if his ultimate goal was to have me as “just a friend”, I don’t think he’d act in such a way…

So when he comes over I should just be my same, goofy, loving, warm self, is that right? And I won’t show him ANY pressure… no asking when we can get back together or constantly telling him that I want him to be my boyfriend. (Sorry for all the reiteration – I just want to make absolutely sure I don’t say or do the wrong things.)

I know this next question is stupid, and there’s no real way you can truly answer it, but do you have any inkling as to how long he might keep this up? He broke up with me on January 3rd, so it’s already been 2 and a half months… but as I said in previous posts, progress has been made little by little every day.
I guess what I’m asking is – based on what I told you about the situation – do you think it sounds feasible that within the next few months he’ll come back to me for good? Or do you think it could take him years? Again, I know this is a ridiculous question, but I’m asking based on your experience.

Thank you so much for your constant uplifts and suggestions… you’re really helping me make it through my days.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your anxiety is a [i]big[/i] problem here — and it’s coming through loud and clear. 😕 Re-read the posts I wrote you. If you do you’ll understand that you can’t have the insurance you want on if, when and how. Just do what I suggested and remember not to pressure him (or yourself!). He’s on his way back to you — don’t blow it by getting neurotic and making him feel trapped.

I hope that helps and you can roll with this relationship without needing to control it.

Please join me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Member]

Posts