[porsche8109]

3 days ago,went through my bfs phone found texts two months ago to dating sites.Went to his e-mails found mssgs to girls trying to meet up.I confronted him, he made up a story.Got his laptop,went to his e-mails &found the dating site.He was getting on the past few months every day liking girls pics &mssg 100s of them saying things from “Hello” to “I would ‘have sex with you’ until we both broke”(g-rated).I trusted him &now he felt like a stranger to me.He told me that he didn’t know why he did it.He told me that our relationship went stale,but if it went stale wouldn’t I have known?He later told me that it wasn’t that,it was him & his lack of control of his demons.He told me that his whole life he felt like a failure &he hadn’t had his first girlfriend until 1 & 1/2 years after HS.I was always trying to keep that beginning spark,he would pull away.He says it was insecurities &never believed that someone like me could love someone like him.But why wouldn’t he do everything to keep me?Why didn’t he come to me with this?Why did he reach out?Why sexually?We have great sex.He asked people if they wanted to meet up but never did anything &doesn’t know why.He said he never had any intentions.But how does telling people that you will have sex with them help your securities?Until I understand,I can’t move on.He’s doing everything he can to keep me,writing me page long letters on reasons why he loves me &trying to explain why he did it all. How am I supposed to get over the QN of why he did it in the 1st place?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your 22 year old boyfriend of a year and a half, has been looking for romance, sex and hookups outside of the relationship. You caught him. He’s admitted it. He says the reason for his behavior includes the fact that for him the relationship went stale. You asked me how it could’ve gone stale for him without your realizing it. The answer is that just because one person is happy or content in a relationship doesn’t mean the other person is. That happens all the time. As for his other reasons, I think they’re just excuses. The bottom line is he’s not interested a relationship that is honest and open, and if you hadn’t caught him, this probably would have gone on indefinitely. I appreciate that he wants you to stay with him, and that choice is yours. But if you do stay, you have to understand that he may simply be too young to want the type of commitment that precludes him from playing the field. He was getting something out of his extracurricular activities that he didn’t get in his relationship with you, and this may have been a spark and excitement that fades over time in most relationships — and requires relationship work to nourish — but it could also have been him not wanting to settle down. You have to figure out which of those two it is. I’m sorry you’re hurt, and I hope this helps.

[Hamna]

Wow, April, you really gave a great, to-the-point talk. I liked your point that one person’s happiness in a relationship isn’t enough, which is quite profound, and it’s something people often overlook. Instead of getting caught up in emotions.
And your posts suggest the guy isn’t mature enough to stay in one place. The spark he was getting from outside is not being found in the relationship.
And April gave the right advice that it depends on you now whether you want to be with him or not, but you have to accept the fact that the boy wanted to play the field.

[Member]

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