[CocoNoot]

Hello,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years now. I met him at my first job ever as a cashier. About half the time we’ve been together, he’s been unemployed. (not consecutively- but he had a job for 1 year then unemployed for 2, then another job for another year, then unemployed for another year and so on…) I was going to school and working for years…but I recently graduated and now I’m working full time. I give him money every few days for food – but by doing this, I can’t save up or help out my family at home. He says he can’t wait to work to help me out – but his low self esteem causes him stress and he just doesn’t try to tidy up his room (he lives with his parents and is 32 years old). He gets mad when I complain about the mess…but he says he just isn’t motivated to do anything. That hurts my feeling because I see that I’m no motivation for him. I know he should do things for himself…but if that’s not working then I would at least hope that I was some sort of motivation…but I guess I’m not. I did his resume for him so many times, printed it, and applied for many jobs for him…I even let him borrow my phone (because he doesnt have one). I’m so sick of not being able to work and keep my own money. Sometimes I buy myself cheap unhealthy lunch – because I’m afraid I wont have enough money for us to eat when I see him in the weekends. We have a good time when we’re together – so i usually stay over friday night till sunday. I know that If i don’t like the mess in his room, I just shouldn’t go anymore. I also know that if I stop giving him money he might get up and find a job. But i don’t know…I’m also afraid that when he works he won’t have any time to see me. Because he likes playing his video games and he always complains that I control him. Sometimes he does very selfish things – reminds me of tantrums. Last night, I couldn’t breathe. My asthma starting acting up a lot and I had forgotten my inhaler. He smokes weed in his room ( which I pay for even though i don’t smoke it anymore because of my asthma) and he got mad when I told him not to smoke anymore (that day) because I was already having trouble breathing. He got mad because he said I control him and he can never do anything he wants. That I don’t let him smoke when he wants or play when he wants. I got pissed naturally, since I was feeling like shit and I’m the one he allows him to smoke in the first place by giving him the cash. But anyways – his room makes it even worst for my asthma and allergies….we have a beautiful dog together but he doesn’t help keep him clean! He gets mad when i tell him to clean up his poop/pee. I go to his house in the weekend to relax but it’s stressful sometimes because I end up cleaning all the shit that has piled up and pee that accumulated. The dog also leave hair all over the sheets and he doesn’t care because he doesnt have allergies…In fact, last night (and whenever i complain about my allergies) he muttered ” I hate sensitive people”. He tells me to “get over it”….then he feels a little bad and asks how I’m doing. But he usually tells me “oh I had allergies before and I just dealt with it” or “Yeah I had asthma, now one was there for ME”. Naturally all this shit causes me so much anger that I’ve called him many names and yelled at him. I know I’m enabling him and just making it worst on myself. It’s frustrating, because I think back on my past relationship (I’ve only been in two relationships) and my ex also was unemployed for the 3 years we were together. When I met my current boyfriend I fell in love with his sense of humor and character. But I also loved that he was more of a “man”. He’s 6 years older than me, and he had a job….albeit it wasn’t a great job and he lived with his mom…I didn’t care too much of it. I just cared that he worked..( everyone in his house is a lazy bum – they always asked HIM for money). Now, he’s being a lazy bum as well and it’s sooo difficult to detach and just show him how serious I am. Our relationship is going to deteriorate. If I bring up bills, money, work….he says “OMG, why do you always want to argue?”. If I say “Omg this room stinks like shit” he says ” why are you always complaining”?. I know he’s sounding really bad right now. I can guarantee that he’s also a wonderful guy….but i’m hear asking for advice because I need to hear from someone else what I think I already know….I don’t ask my family for advice because I don’t want them to know about this stuff. I don’t even tell them he’s unemployed. If my boyfriend comes over to my house I usually give him some cash so that it looks like HE is paying for food. There are other things though – I used my income last year to get him a tv and ps4 because he was gonna pay it right back as soon as he got his. Something went wrong with his return and he had to call to verify his identity which he decided to procrastinate on…then finally he did it. Then like 4 months later it seemed like he was about to get it, and now something went wrong again. I have to constantly bitch at him to call the IRS to check up on his refund (which is technically mine) – it’s been a year! I also told him to please go to food stamps meanwhile he looks for a job. HE went twice and something went wrong. I have to nag for him to even call back check up not he status. I’m going to have to stop giving him any money so that he can finally fend for himself. I’m so stressed out because I work hard and have no savings, have a lot of debt, and can’t help out my mom and dad because of this. I’ve also tried to help my boyfriend with his self esteem by getting him new clothes and helping him with horribly messy room. Two years ago I spent like $300 on clothes for him – silly me I keep thinking if I get him a new wardrobe he’ll feel better and get motivated….He doesn’t take care of anything though! Everything he gets is ruined. He doesn’t take care of shit. I buy things to keep in the room, and he loses them. When I get mad he says ” It’s not like I did it on purpose”. That was he says all the time ” I didn’t do it on purpose!”. I’m like “So what?! You are too careless.” We fight a lot. He says he used to be motivated and was doing good until he met me. That I discouraged him. Yeah, when we first met we had a rocky start. I had some anger issues and we argued a lot – he was patient with me even though I would get hysterical and violent. So I’ve done my share of bad things. I’m hurt him. In a way, I guess i’m trying to over compensate for what i’ve done. But i feel now that I”m the only who is trying to be better. I went to a therapist and became better at handling my anger. However, its not helpful that he isn’t trying to better the situation at all. I’m beginning to really resent him. I also have self esteem problems, I get anxiety and I always put myself down….but despite all that I’m doing my best at work and I have A LOT OF WORK. It’s stressful. If I can get off my ass and fight through my low confidence and low-self esteem….why can’t he? when I rub in his face everything I do for him (i do a lot because it’s annoying that I do so much and get nothing in return) and say that I’m gonna end up leaving him, he says “So? if you leave me i’ll be fine. If anything i’ll be better because I was doing fine before you along. You stress me out. I’ve never been this bad before. If you leave I bet you i’ll get my act together”. Naturally that makes me feel used and like shit. We’ve had such happy moments together, but some really ugly ones too. I don’t know what to do. Can I get some feedback?

[CocoNoot]

I’m sorry ,I forgot to space out paragraphs so that it’s not too annoying to read. I hope you read through all of it either way. Thanks so much in advance for taking the time to help. I really appreciate it.

[Pheonix]

Hello 🙂 After reading this a few times and thinking about it…I have to say that my advice would be to move on, and to let go. I know it’s hard, but if he hasn’t shown you that he can change, after this long….I don’t think that you should waste your time and energy anymore. You sound like a very kind and amazing woman, and I know that there are tons of men who would appreciate and honour you in ways that your current boyfriend isn’t. It comes down to how much can you respect yourself, and love yourself, enough to walk away from a situation that is putting strain on you. Stepping into the unknown is really scary sometimes, but just know that you can do it and that it’s the only way to allow room for something wonderful to come along. Of course, this is only my opinion, but it sounds as though he is taking advantage of you….and to me this isn’t love – it’s something else. I hope this helps!!

[CocoNoot]

Wow, thank you so much for your kind words. Everything you said makes sense – I guess my low self-esteem is also holding me back and not allowing me to take the steps needed to break free from this.

Thank you Pheonix for the advice.

[Pheonix]

Of course, no worries at all, glad to help 🙂 Truly, you seem like a great woman and…in the end, life is short – you deserve to be with someone who treats you like a Goddess. The more that you love and honour yourself in this way, the more you will attract someone who does the same. 7 years is a long time, I applaud you for doing your best with this situation, but it seems like it’s time to let go. Of course, this has only been my experience with previous relationships which lasted this long….if things don’t change for the better within the first couple of years, it’s in your best interest to move on and open yourself to a more supportive relationship 🙂 I wish you all the best, you deserve it!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t about him. 😕 It’s about you.

Clearly, he’s a bum who doesn’t respect you. Sorry — but that’s the truth. Any 32 year old guy who won’t get a job, is on food stamps, collects IRS refunds, lives with his parents and treats his girlfriend poorly, is a bum and a person with poor character.

The real question here is why you choose to date a bum, lie to your parents, and complain about the situation. 😳 After 7 years with him, you know who he is, and that he won’t change. The best thing you can do is leave now. Cut your losses and face your fears of being alone. This is worse than being alone for 7 years. You’re lying to your parents, you’re buying him marijuana, you’re enabling a drain on society, and first and foremost, you’re keeping yourself from a bright future! Just walk out today. Change your number, unfriend him on social media, and stop lying to your parents. You need to take care of yourself — and him, by not enabling any more.

I know this is hard to hear, but I trust that’s why you wrote. You need someone to say what you already know. 😉 Let me know if you have any more questions.

[Pheonix]

I have to say that I completely agree with April, she was just better at saying it outright!!
Being alone after 7 years is intimidating sometimes, but you have to look longterm and realize that you will be happier in the end.
I wish you the best!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s good to hear all points of view, and yours is not different from mine… I just needed to yank the covers a little because after 7 years, they needed to be yanked. 😕

[Sally]

You are not in a partnership anymore. You’re in a caretaker role. You’re paying, cleaning, fixing, managing, apologizing, motivating, and absorbing his moods, while he gives you excuses, defensiveness, and blame. That’s why you’re resentful your body knows this isn’t fair.

His unemployment isn’t the real issue. Plenty of people struggle and still try. The real problem is that he has settled into being taken care of, and you’ve been slowly disappearing to make room for that. You’re sacrificing your health, your finances, and your future. And when you ask for basic respect like not smoking when you can’t breathe he calls you controlling. That’s not love. That’s avoidance and entitlement.

The most important thing you said is this: you already know you’re enabling him. And you’re right. Stopping the money won’t magically fix him, but continuing it will keep breaking you.

Love isn’t supposed to cost you your safety, your savings, and your sanity. I know you’ve both hurt each other in the past, but growth doesn’t mean paying forever for old mistakes. You’ve done the work. He hasn’t.
You’re not crazy for wanting more. You’re just finally listening to yourself.

[Member]

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