[PrincessK]

Hi April! I’m very upset and need your advice. 😥

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years. He’s never been an affectionate person but it never really bothered me. As our relationship grew stronger, I could tell he cared for me by the things he did for me and the way he treated me. I felt like I didn’t need a boyfriend who showered me with kisses every second. I thought it wasn’t anything personal and that this was just his nature. I realized he wasn’t overly emotional or lovey or personable with his family or friends either. So I thought it wasn’t just with me.

Once our relationship hit the one year mark, I thought it was odd that he still never said “i love you” to me. I asked him if he loved me and wanted to be with me he told me he did, so I thought it was okay if he wasn’t the type to constantly say it.

After two years, his behavior started to change. He was never the talkative type, but he started to get even quieter and lost interest in going out. I felt like I couldn’t talk to him anymore. I was even reluctant sending his text messages because I thought he wouldn’t respond or wouldn’t want to talk about simple things.

I finally tried to talk to him tonight about how I felt he didn’t care about me and that his lackluster attitude made me feel that I was in a relationship with myself. I told him that it bothered me how he wasn’t affectionate and didn’t say I love you. Even if it isn’t his nature, he doesn’t have to do it ALL the time. Just sometimes would be nice. I asked him if he stopped caring for me because he seemed to have a lack of interest in everything. He told me that he cares for me but that he isn’t happy. He told me that it had nothing to do with me, but that he’s depressed in life in general. I asked him if I should stop staying over his house and he couldn’t give me a straight answer because he was unsure what he wanted. Eventually, I told him that if he was so unsure, I would stop coming over and give him space.

He didn’t want to talk about it anymore, and I don’t know where we stand. I don’t want to talk to him or pester him about it and I am not going to be seeing him for a while. I just feel very lost and upset because I don’t understand how long I’m supposed to wait for him. Do you think his depression is a legitimate reason for this behavior, or do you think he will never change and I should move on and dump him for good?

Thank you very much for your advice 🙁

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think his behavior is a legitimate reason for his behavior, but he’s not getting help or doing anything about his depression, and then the question becomes, why are you staying with someone who isn’t very nice to you?

My advice is to move on. You can’t make an adult take care of himself, and if he doesn’t, he’s not going to be a good partner. 😳

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[PrincessK]

thank you for the advise. I was thinking that I need to let him go because it’s not healthy to be in a relationship where I feel unwanted. 😳

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome! 🙂

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[PrincessK]

So I decided to break up with my boyfriend because I felt like he wasn’t putting in any effort to make me or himself happy. After the breakup, we were both really upset. He really wasn’t expecting it and the thought of not seeing him again when we were both unhappy was hard. We talked about our feelings and he invited me over last night.

When I went to visit, he was much more affectionate and talkative than usual. He seemed like he was really making an effort to change his behavior. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he told me that he wanted to get back together, but he needs to be happy with himself first before he can make me happy. I thought that was a good answer because it would be pointless to just get back together right away when he is clearly depressed and unhappy with life at the moment. He said he still wants to talk to me and hang out with me. He just needs some space because he is currently stressed out because he needs to take a lot of tests to advance at his job right now and he needs time to study.

We also both compete in weight lifting competitions that are coming up soon. He told me he still wants me to come see his and he wants to drive me and come watch mine. This made me happy because I was really stressed that we were going to break up and not see each other ever again. He said that he has no interest in seeing other people and that he wants to be with me in the future.

I’m happy that he is trying to better himself and get out of his funk. However, I’m still stressed because I don’t know how long this “break” will last. I’m nervous that it will last forever. Do you think this is a good thing and a step in the right direction? I don’t know why I’m stressing over everything. 🙄

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think the break is not a good thing for you. Lots of couples take a break — and they both have different ideas about what the break is, at different times, and go in different directions. Basically, it just prolongs the break up. A break should be considered a break up, and I never advise you befriend an ex, so that means if you’re broken up, you shouldn’t be friends with him. It will be easier for you to get over the break up and feel single if you’re really on your own without him, and that will make it easier for you to move on.

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