[cutiepie]

Hello. I have a bit of a problem and I am hoping to get advice on how to deal with it. I have been in a relationship with a great guy for over 8 months. The problem is that he used to have a really big crush on someone else. She was unavailable so they just stayed friends, but he really like her as a person and was very attracted to her. You could say she was his first love/huge crush. The woman moved away but they continued to email each other. I met him several months after she moved away. A couple of months after we started dating, I asked him if he still liked her and he said yes, but that he liked me more. Then I asked him a few months after that if he still had feelings for her and he said that his feelings were going away and he thinks he’s almost over her. I then asked if he saw her again if he thinks those feelings would come back. He said he doesn’t know because he hasn’t seen her in over a year. They email each other once every couple of months (mostly her emailing him to see how he is because she considers him an acquaintance) but that’s all. He says he doesn’t feel anything when she emails him. She has a boyfriend and that is why she never went out with him when they were friends. It bothers me that he doesn’t know if his feelings for her would come back. He said even if they did, he still loves me and only me and that he never felt this way about anyone before (I am his first relationship, I’m 28, he’s 29). But I am still bothered by the fact the he had a very long crush on her and he isn’t sure if those feelings would come back if he saw her, even though he doesn’t think of her that way anymore. He said he can’t know what feelings, if any would come back if he saw her but that even if they did, it would not change how he feels about me and that he loves me very much. Any advice, please?

[Ask April Masini]

Stop creating a problem where there is none. 😳 It’s very normal for someone your age or your boyfriend’s age to have had at least one long term relationship or a bunch of crushes that never went anywhere, already. And while it’s common for the girlfriend or the boyfriend in a relationship to feel jealousy, it’s not normal to act on that jealousy the way you are. You’re picking at him so much that you’re creating an issue where there normally would be none.

Your boyfriend is being honest with you when he says he just doesn’t know what the future will bring. I know you want a different response or answer from him, but that’s YOUR problem. You have to decide whether to stay with him or not given his response, but you can’t decide to make him be different than he is. I know you don’t like this, but my advice is that you understand why YOU don’t like it, and find a way to integrate your own jealousy with your boyfriend’s honest feelings. Will you be jealous if one day you have a boyfriend who likes to look at Playboy magazines? How about a boyfriend who admires beautiful women or likes his best friend’s wife a lot? How will you deal with the men in your life appreciating other women without acting on that appreciation? ❓

Most women have boyfriends or husbands who have crushes on movie stars or celebrities or even women in their communities or neighborhoods, but these men don’t act on their feelings. They just allow them — and so do their wives and girlfriends, because they realize that the other women are not real threats.

Focus on your relationship with this guy — not on outside distractions and balance your focus on the relationship with a focus on your own personal growth. I think you can get past this obstacle — but you have to do your work personally, not with your boyfriend. In fact, leave him alone and let him have his crushes. If he comes home to you every night — or weekend — you’re the one he’s with! 😉

[Anonymous]

Yes, I agree that this is my issue and I am trying to work on it. I understand that you can’t help how you feel about someone. You can only control your actions and if my boyfriend thinks I’m the best one for him, than anyone else will be a passing infatuation. I have never asked my boyfriend to not contact this woman because I know I have no right to do that. I do believe that despite any strong feelings he had for her in the past, they have faded, if not left and that if he did see her again it would be nothing more than an attraction, or a memory of the past. He’d still love me because I’m here now and she’s the past.

Thanks!

[Ask April Masini]

Sometimes, if you don’t invest any energy in a problem it goes away by itself. I wouldn’t be surprised if, with time, and your leaving this alone, your boyfriend realizes on his own that this past crush isn’t that important in the scheme of things, and that you are. In fact, that’s really the best possible outcome: that he decides on his own that his past is his past, and his present and future is what he wants to invest in. 😀

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