[niceguy20]

Hello,

I have been dating my lady friend for two weeks now. First off I was being honest with her. I told her that I was separated and my divorce will be finalized next month. The first week we spent together was almost like a fantasy. Then all of the sudden reality struck. Here is what I was told by her so you can get a better understanding of the situation. In the past she has had some bad relationships. The worst of them all was her ex-husband. She told me that he used to try to control her. He was a very jealous guy. He wouldn’t let her do anything without him. Even when she was working he used to show up at her job and eat lunch there just to see what she was doing. It got so bad that he got upset at her when his boss was flirting with her even though she tried to avoid the situation. She told me one night for their anniversary she decided to cook a nice romantic dinner. He came home didn’t acknowledge her and went to sleep. He used to be verbally abusive to her to the point that her self-esteem is now low. In her other relationship she was living with her ex-boyfriend and one day when she got off of work early she caught him in the apartment talking to a woman that she did not know. So that explains why she as trouble trusting men. Now back to the present. As I stated before the first week was real nice. We had an excellent time in bed. We were having a lot of sex for about four days. Then we tried to have sex one more time before i took her home but I couldn’t because I was sore down there. She thought that the reason why I couldn’t was because I wasn’t attracted to her. I tried to explain to her that wasn’t the case but she refuse to believe me. She also told me that she felt everything that happened was too good to be true and she had to go home and face reality. When I was about to drop her off she wanted me to park so we can talk. We had our conversation and she told me that she will contact me the following day. I didn’t hear from her the entire day so I texted her to see how she was doing but I got no response. I already know I shouldn’t have texted her but i was concerned. Anyway I did not here from her almost the whole week. Then I received a texted from her saying that she is still thinking about everything that happened the previous week. This past Thursday she wanted me to come by her job to talk for a little bit. Everything went well. She told me that everything seemed too good to be true and she was so happy that she had to catch herself. Also she thought I was lieing about my marital status until I showed her the proof. So everything was fine after that. She wanted me to come by this past Friday which I did and everything was going well. Then her friend wanted to meet one my friends so I saw her again on Saturday. I wasn’t planning on seeing her Saturday because we already made plans to see each other on Sunday. Plus I knew that later on she was going out to celebrate her roommates birthday. But her friend insisted that she wanted to me my friend. Anyway she told me that she wanted to me to pick her up this Sunday morning around 10am. I asked her if she was sure because she was going to be hanging out. She insisted and told that she will be ready. She told me to hit her up if I do not here from her by a certain time. Fast forward to this morning I tried to contact her no response so a few hours later I called he friend and she ended up answering the phone. I asked her what’s up then she told me that she was still sleeping. I asked her why did she insisted that we meet up at 10am when she knew that she will be out late? She told me that wasn’t her plans. Then she told me that she wants to go back to sleep. She told me to call her back at 2pm. Then of course we had our disagreements during that convo then she said I was starting to act like her exes trying to control her.I told her I wasn’t trying to control her. I told her if someone tells me something I expect them to keep there word. Especially if they insisted. She flip-flopped said that she is not coming over then tells me to pick her up around two. I decide to text her around 215. She replies back saying she is not going because she is feeling lazy. I guess she thought I was going to respond in a negative way. All I said was ok maybe some other time. Right now we are barely communicating. So I don’t know what’s going on. Anyway with all this craziness what should I do? What tips or advice can you provide me? We are both into each other. All I’m trying to do is get to know her a little better. She told me that she is scared because she doesn’t want to get hurt again. So i’m thinking that is the major factor to why the situation is complicated.

[AskApril Masini]

If you want to date her, and get to know her better, then ask her out on a date for this coming weekend. Make it a traditional date — dinner and a movie, or just dinner. Pick her up at her place, and take her out. Bring her home and if you sleep with her, leave the next morning. Get to know her better — without getting too invested too quickly — and if she’s someone you want to continue dating, then call her a day or two after the date and tell her you had a great time. Invite her out again from the following weekend. You have to pace yourself and get to know each other that way. You’ll have a better perspective if you don’t spend too much time too quickly. This time will also run out the clock on your separation, and your divorce will be finalized by the end of May — at which time you’ won’t have invested too much energy in this relationship just yet, and she’ll feel like she’s dating a guy who’s actually single and available for marriage if that’s what you both want down the line.

At the same time, you shouldn’t put all your eggs in one basket. You should at least consider playing the field, if not actually playing the field for a couple of reasons: 1) You’re about to be newly divorced and you should experience what’s out there if you’d like to. 2) She may or may not be Ms. Right and it’s good to hedge your bets. 3) You won’t be overly interested in her behavior or yours towards her if you’ve got other women as possibilities. 4) Dating is a numbers game and if you’re looking for Ms. Right (as opposed to Ms. Right Now), you have to find her! 😉

Since she’s given you a head’s up that she has issues with control, be wary that she may be in the process of working out control issues and you’ll want to find out if this is something you can deal with or something that’s too much of an issue to make a healthy, happy relationship work in the long run.

Hope that helps!

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