[Scotia]

Hi, I left my long term first love 7 months ago. We where together for almost 7 years. We had many ups and downs, the biggest issue was the fact he was a gambling addict and he lied and stole from me. He was also had a quick temper and took a lot of aggression out on me. I really loved him when we first got together but I knew that although I still cared deeply about him I couldn’t carry on with someone unstable and abusive relationship. He use to make crude comments about my body which has left me feeling down about myself. Why I’m I finding it so hard to get over this? I have so many irrational fears and I get right down about the past, thinking of all the fun we had. I know this relationship was toxic to say the least but I still care about him. My question is why can’t I move on from this? I thought I would be the one to be happy and freed. I feel empty and alone.

I feel like Rihanna in her music video “What Now”.

Thanks for any help

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When couples break up, it’s easy to point fingers, but what’s more difficult — and more productive — is to look in the mirror and figure out why YOU were with someone who did what he did. There is always a reason, and usually, there’s a “negative pay off” for anyone who’s been with an abusive person. For instance, people with low self esteem sometimes date abusive people because that abuse reinforces their feelings about themselves. When they’re pushed to their limit of what they feel that they deserve, that’s when they move on.

Before you met your ex-boyfriend, you had some problems that were not addressed. So, you dated him because he reinforced the idea of who you thought you were. Now, you have an opportunity to change that. It’s not that you can’t get over him — it’s that you’re having trouble seeing yourself as someone who doesn’t let herself become abused or mistreated. When you’re ready to be the person who deserves a loving, respectful, healthy relationship, you’ll be ready to move on. 😉

For now, my advice is to focus on yourself. Do what is healthy for you, and explore the idea that you might not have been looking for a healthy relationship in the past, but that you want to be able to do so, now. 🙂

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[Scotia]

Hi April, thanks for your advice.

When I was 12 year old my left breast didn’t develop properly, the doctor I went to see deemed me deformed and thought I should lose weight because it might balance itself out. It left me devastated and feeling like crap. I felt like I was less than because of this. My friends found out about this and they started telling everyone about it and laughing and pointing at me. Years later I lost weight and I was seeing a plastic surgeon about getting my breast done. I meant my now ex boyfriend, he gave me positive attention which was something I lacked with guys since I kept them away because I didn’t feel worthy of their time. When I told him about my breast issue he loved me and didn’t care. You have no idea what that meant to me. It felt like I meant my soul mate, the one that would love me unconditionally and accept something I thought no guy could. He was so loving and kind and I loved him so strongly and protected him in any way I could. Maybe that is another reason I find it hard to move on, I know any man would accept me for that, but I believed for years I wasn’t good enough, I still live with those thoughts from time to time.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think it’s great that you’re looking at yourself, and the reasons you have low self esteem — but you described this guy as someone who lied to you, stole from you and took out aggressions on you. That he made you feel good about your physical deformity isn’t enough of a good reason to stay with him any more, or to not move on. It’s time for you to take care of yourself. If you need to see a plastic surgeon, then do it. If you’re okay with your body the way it is, now, then move forward. I’m not sure how much of a deformity you’re really talking about — because sometimes people have warped versions of themselves and what seems like a problem to them, is actually an asset to someone else! Body image is a huge challenge for many women, so focus on that as your hurdle to overcome now, and when you do, I’m very sure that you’ll find a man who is lots better than your ex. 😉

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