[Annonomus]

Background- 5 years ago my boyfriend had an ongoing secret relationship with another woman. I found out and after 4 years together we separated for 3 months. We got back together. Things have been great, my trust was at 99%, he could go out whenever he wanted, and he always answered his phone. We only ever argued over things like housework… although those arguments could get heated.

He recently changed cell phone providers and I helped him set up his account online. It’s a prepaid service, so I went on 3 days ago to see when he needed to pay the bill so he wouldn’t get shut off… I glanced at the call activity page expecting to see nothing, and instead I found her number.

I went through old phone bills and found her number a few times each month, all in the middle of the night.

I checked credit card statements to find 2 hotel rooms cooresponding to nights with her number on the call log, and I flipped out. I told the world I was breaking up with him and what I had found, and I didn’t talk to him about it first.

When he got home from work he had explanations for everything, the hotel rooms were for a friend and the phone calls weren’t for her but for people staying at her house. He helps people flip cars and his excuse was that is what the phone calls are for. She gave the same explanation (and she did not lie to me last time about the affair), so did the friend who the hotel rooms were for, and so did the girls new boyfriend who claims to be the reason for some of those phone calls. My partner tells me he hid the contact because he knew I wouldn’t understand and would just be mad. He promised to stop all contact.

It looks bad, my friends and family don’t believe the excuses and hate him. I on the other hand despite the overwhelming proof believe what he tells me and I want to stay. I know that if I was a friend of mine I’d be hating him too. I need to figure out what makes me want to stay, and if believing him is wrong because I dont want to be unhappy. And if I do stay I def need help figuring out how to keep some friends. Up until checking the call log everything was great, there were no trust issues and no signs that anything out of the ordinary was going on… but a good lie is one you can believe so I’m stuck.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

How long did he conduct the affair with the other woman while you were dating him?

Is it normal for him to conduct business in the middle of the night? You said you found cell phone calls to her number “in the middle of the night”.

Fill me in — and I’ll advise you further. 😀

[Annonomus]

I am 27, he is 33.

He works 2nd shift so it is normal for business to be made at night when he gets off work.

Previous affair was a year. This time the phone calls go back atleast 5 months, I was so upset I stopped looking past 5 months. No hotel rooms accept for the 2 I have mentioned, for as far back as 6 months.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

I’m still a little confused about the timeline.

If you’re 27 — and he cheated on you for a year, five years ago, that means he cheated on you when you were 22 years old, for a year, until you were 23. Did you find out that he cheated on you, when you were 23 years old, after the affair had been going on for a year, and then and wait for four years to separate? Or did you find out after four years, when you were 26, that he cheated four years before that, and separate at that time for 3 months, and then get back together, and it’s nine months later?

[Annonomus]

We have dated for 9 years total.

After our first 4 years of dating we separated due to an affair he had for a year. We got back together 3 months later, and have been back together for 5 years since then.

[April Mașini, your AskApril]

Got it! I didn’t realize before that you’ve been with him for nine years.

You have to look back at the reasons he had the affair, five years ago, and what was going on in the relationship that caused him to stray. You have to be brutally honest and just as honest about why you got back together after that.

Then (as if that’s not hard enough work in and of itself!) you have to be honest about what’s going on in the relationship now that might cause him to stray again.

Nine years is a long time to be together. Is he feeling pressure to get married? Is he feeling trapped? Is he feeling like things have hit a rut in the relationship?

When men cheat it’s usually because they’re not feeling the way they want to feel in the relationship. Something or someone outside of the relationship makes them feel the way they want to feel whether it’s desired or powerful or respected or something else. The other reason they cheat is to avoid a situation they don’t want to be in, but don’t have the courage to confront it head on. So if he feels that nine years is too long to be in a dead end relationship — or else if he feels like you want to get married and he doesn’t, but he doesn’t want to hurt you, he may cheat to alleviate the pressure he’s feeling.

If any of this strikes a chord as a possibility, you have to consider that history is repeating itself. You’re doubting his behavior based on his past, so you have to make sure that the problem that used to be in the relationship isn’t there any more.

See if that helps you find your answer. And let me know your thoughts.

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