[coyotelovely]

So, where to begin? I’m 18, just graduated from high school this year, and will begin my first year of college in January. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend my freshman year of HS and that lasted only one month or so. Even then, we never moved past just very chaste kisses and were sweet and innocent and probably would have never done anything more. Going into freshman year of college, however, I’m very interested in dating as it was never really an option with the VERY limited number of good guys in grade school. Plus, I’m lonely. I’ve never really had anything more than the friendship with the few girlfriends I had and the kind of love your family loves you with. I want something…more. I’m really ready for this to be my time to finally break out and discover the world of love and relationships-something all my friends had, but just never really happened to me.

That being said, I’m also completely terrified. I’m afraid that any boys that I decide to date (especially if they are 20+) will automatically want sex from me and not just after years of dating (also what happened to my friends). I’m afraid that, as is the stigma with college life, it will be expected of me (not to mention that, in the adult world, dating and sex seem to go hand-in-hand) and that I may seem less mature if I do not have sex relatively early in a relationship. As I said before, my two best friends dated their BF’s one and two years respectively before finally having sex for the first time their senior years and they are each together still. There was no rush in HS-many relationships came and went with no sex at all. However, in the world of adults (and I know I’m legally an adult but, when I think about having sex with someone, I feel like a kid) it seems perfectly normal to consummate the relationship after only a few months or even weeks.

And this is where I’m the most confused about what I want in a relationship. You see, I’ve heard all of the generic “Sit them down and tell them what you want.” but that is so hard when I don’t really know [i]what[/i] I want. Keep in mind, I’m a writer and a romantic. I want to be passionately in love with the person who is my soul mate and can see myself having sex with no one else. When I have sex for the first time, I want it to be with the only man that I will with forever (and I know already some people may think that is a rather naïve or immature way to think about it). I don’t want to give myself to any others that could break my heart. So, I flip flop on waiting until marriage or not (not necessarily for religious reasons, but more for self worth). And I think, ‘Well, that’s not fair to a boy I’m dating…’ or really to myself because, deep down, I want at least A LITTLE action. So I start to think about what I can do to satisfy what he may want and then the whole line gets muddled because how far is too far??? and it becomes pointless!! And then I think, “Well, maybe I don’t have to wait until I’m married, but the guy would have to be THE ONE. He would have to be my absolute soul mate. My everything-and me to him.” Which, as I mentioned before, doesn’t really coincide with most relationships that begin having sex after just a little bit. I mean, I feel like there’s a very short time frame where I’ll be forced to decide if this guy is my true love or not before he wants to get physical. And how do you even bring that up to a guy?! “Sorry, I can’t have sex with you until I determine if you are my soul mate or not. You think I’m too intense? I DON’T THINK YOU’RE BEING INTENSE ENOUGH!” It just doesn’t seem realistic.

I’m just…I’m just so confused. In a perfect world, I wish I could just meet the guy and fast forward a year or a few years to the point I know that we are perfectly in love before we have sex. Everything about being in love and making love is so magical and sacred to me and-please don’t get me wrong-I want it badly, but just don’t know how to convey that to any person I end up dating. All of these fears about sex and maturity are really the roots of any anxiety I feel about going off to college (which is A LOT. A LOT of anxiety), and if I can figure them out, I think I’ll feel better.

I really hope people can make sense of this jumble of words and ideas!! If not, please at least tell me about your college dating experiences so I can know if any of these fears are even warranted.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very articulate about your hopes and fears, and you’re realistic, too — but while it’s good to process your feelings, your anxiety is driving you into a tizzy because there’s not a lot you can do before you actually get to college and start to meet men and begin to date them. I know that it’s difficult to consider doing nothing for now, that’s really all you can do. You can remember to stay true to yourself and what you want, so you’re not rushed into behavior that you’re not ready for, but at the same time, you have to balance that with being open minded. While most college aged men are very interested in sex, you’d be surprised how many of them are sensitive and nervous in the same ways you are, about sex, dating and relationships. For now, relax and focus on getting ready for college, moving in, etc. And when you get there, be open, but clear with yourself — and feel free to write me with specific questions that arise. 😉

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