[Anonymous]

Hi all,

I’m here because I am mightily confused about my feelings in my relationship. I love my girlfriend (I’m a lesbian). We have been together 7 months, for one of those we were separated. We are long distance, have only spent 7 weeks together. For many reasons, including the inability to afford a long distance relationship, she is moving here next month. We cannot afford two separate places, so we are moving in together. I am deeply in love with this woman, have talked to her for hours every day for the entire 7 months. Like kindred spirits. I just adore her. So why, a month before the big move, am I finding myself attracted to other women and even flirting with them? Nothing else has happened or will, I don’t cheat. I’ve never had to deal with crushes on others in relationships before. We have been apart for 3 months now and it’s killing me. In addition, I wonder if she is cheating on me, as there have been little things, like hearing her talk to someone else who she says isn’t there, or this woman I had barely heard of gave her a mixed cd and she had to go hang out with her when I was in crisis. I don’t know maybe I am just being paranoid.

But also…the move is a month away. She hasn’t packed a single thing (she is going to ship stuff to me), even gotten the boxes to ship anything or begun organizing, or bought the plane ticket. I’m always the one who has to bring such things up. I guess I’m starting to think she may not come and this is partly why my eyes have wandered. She swears she is coming, 100%, has no back up plans etc., I am even looking for a bigger place for us, she is happy about this, but something isn’t settling right.

Is it normal to be having these feelings before a commitment like moving in? Could she be cheating? Am I just being paranoid? I think she is spazzing about the commitment.

I told her about this one woman who hit on me. Trying to let her know you know I’m a good catch, not because I want to leave her, I don’t. But it just feels like she is having such a hard time with this move and I cannot continue in a long distance relationship. I love her, I maybe want to be with her forever, I don’t know yet. Of course when I mention anything like we were meant to be she becomes dead silent. But she says she has never loved anyone like me before. This is very hard for her as she has been in abusive relationships and that is a large part of why she is scared to move in with me but she knows I’d never hurt her, or I hope she does. She says I;m “different” and I am. She also doesn’t like to have sex as often as I do and I’m afraid this may become a problem for us when we’re living together. She can go weeks. Sometimes this is when my eyes begin to wander. I don’t like that this happens. I almost, almost, told this girl who was hitting on me about our problems but I didn’t. Was very proud of myself. But I need advice…on how to make this transition easier for she and I. And what to do about this woman who keeps hitting on me even after I’ve told her I’m unavailable. I would like to be friends but don’t know if that’s possible. Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re looking for a way out of the commitment you’ve made. Listen to your instincts.

You don’t know this woman very well — seven weeks together in seven months with a one month separation, and not having seen her for the last three months altogether is [i]way[/i] too little time together to decide about a move in together, and moving in because you don’t have the financial resources to date long distance is a bad idea.

You jumped the gun with this move. Tell her it’s a mistake and you want to slow things down. You’re not paranoid — you’re just not honoring your gut feelings, so you’re looking for reasons that you may be dysfunctional. Well, sorry. You’re head is exactly on your shoulders — listen to yourself!!

Call off the move in.

Sorry.

I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes — and join me on Facebook. Here’s the link: [url][/url].

[Fridaykaye26]

Great advice April! It sounded like “cold feet,” you know the kind that a bride and groom experience on their wedding day. But I think your advice hits the nail on the head in this case. Seven months in total, more than a third of the relationship by phone conversations, and only the few weeks spent together physically are no where near proper grounds for moving in. Freedomart, you should wait to move in until after you’ve spent enough time with and around your girlfriend to know if you all can cohabit some-what peacefully.

Of course I do everything backwards, and seem able to give good advice but not practice it! 😕

Best wishes to you. I hope things work out for you, what ever way they happen to work out. 😀

[Anonymous]

cold feet, yes, I think so.

I don’t know if it’s a bad idea or not. In lesbian terms, waiting 7 months to move in is a long time! 🙂 lol. And it is like marriage in our world. Those 7 weeks we spent together, we were living together. She stayed with me for three weeks, me with her for a month. When I was at her place, there were some issues but mostly because of the neighborhood she lived in. She loves where I live. Practically, there is not much that can be done if we want to stay together but move. She is 2500 miles away, we have no money to see each other more than say twice a year and I get very ill flying not to mention there is no way I could move to where she is with my job and her living in the middle of nowhere (I mean nowhere!). She is also moving out here to get a job and start a new life in a bigger city; she hates where she is. I suppose she could get her own place here but, again, $$$. Well…thanks everyone for the advice. I think it is cold feet and not anything else like not loving her enough or being interested in someone else or something. I’ll just see what we can do. Maybe she’ll move in until she finds a job and then if we need to have our own places, but that would be difficult to go backwards. Anyway, I figure if she hasn’t begun packing in a week or two maybe she has cold feet too and then, well, plan B. Cry a lot. I truly do love her a lot and both of our hearts would be broken I think if it doesn’t work.

peace!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think “lesbian terms” apply here. Whether you’re gay, straight or something else, a relationship is a relationship. I know you think you’ve been waiting seven months to move in together, but you really haven’t spent that much time together during those seven months and moving in after such a short amount of real time together is putting your success at living together at risk.

My advice is that she move out here and get her own place (you’re right that you shouldn’t put her up and then have her move out when she can afford to) and get a job and build up her own life while here. That will allow her to take care of her financial and career issues and it will allow the two of you to date and spend time together to make sure moving in together is really really the right step to make — or if cold feet were exactly what should have happened here.

I hope that helps. Let us know what happens — and join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

thanks April!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome — and good luck! I hope you’ll join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

well, she fell through on putting money down on a deposit. so we broke up as I can’t do long distance, and she has no money to get her own place here, not to mention she put my housing in jeopardy. guess the cold feet wasn’t wrong after all.

thanks again, April.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I could help. 😀 I think everything is working out as it should. Good luck! Join me on Facebook. Here’s the link for AskApril.com on Facebook: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Badfinger]

I just want to say, eyes wandering is standard, I maybe married, but I am not DEAD, and I don’t want to look, I have to look. (given my own appetite and often revealing outfits seen in public places)

Heart and sex organs wandering, different story. 👿

I’m glad you worked that out, always consider your instincts, and you avoided an unsatisfactory relationship based on your story.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I agree with [b]badfinger[/b]. Looking and flirting can be harmless and fun. It doesn’t have to be a threat to an established relationship. 😉

[Ethan Morales]

Your wandering eyes aren’t a moral failure they’re a red flag. When you’re about to lock into a big commitment, it’s normal for subconscious doubts to surface as attraction to others. That’s your brain saying, slow down and make sure you’re not rushing. Don’t punish yourself for it; treat it like data.

Her behavior not packing, not booking a ticket, needing you to constantly prod is meaningful. Words like “I’m coming 100%” mean zero without action. If she’s genuinely committed, she’ll move the logistics forward voluntarily. Right now, you’re carrying the emotional and practical weight of this move alone. That’s not a partnership.

The little signs you described (hearing her talk to someone who “isn’t there,” strange favors, secretive hangouts) are worth noticing but not jumping to conclusions about cheating. They are, however, more fuel for your gut’s skepticism. Trust is built by consistent, observable behavior not promises or romantic language.

The mismatched libidos and her history of abuse are real issues that need honest handling before cohabitation. Moving in together amplifies small problems into big ones. If she’s afraid, that’s understandable but fear isn’t a valid excuse to leave you hanging. You both need to be realistic about how you’ll handle intimacy, triggers, and emotional needs when you share space.

My practical recommendation pause and require proof. Don’t cancel your life for a verbal promise. Ask for concrete steps: plane ticket by X date, boxes shipped by Y date, counseling started by Z date, or we reassess. Insist on a short pre-move trial (a weekend together, a week visiting) so you both see real behavior under pressure.

Do not move in “because we can’t afford two places.” That’s a terrible reason to merge lives. If she truly wants this, she’ll meet you halfway with actions and accountability maybe couples counseling before the move. If she can’t (or won’t) do that, walk away or postpone until the commitment is tangible. Love isn’t the absence of doubt; it’s the presence of proof.

[Tara]

You’re panicking because the fantasy version of your relationship is colliding with the reality you’ve been refusing to look at. You’re about to move in with someone you’ve spent a total of seven weeks with, who hasn’t bought a ticket, hasn’t packed a box, hasn’t committed to a single logistical step, and you’re shocked your brain is screaming alarms? That’s not paranoia. That’s common sense clawing its way through your denial.

Your girlfriend is either terrified, unreliable, or quietly backing out. Pick whichever version hurts less, because all three explain her behavior better than “true love, but she’s just quirky about plane tickets.” People who want to move in together… prepare to move in together. They don’t dodge conversations, go silent when you talk about the future, and let random women give them mixed CDs while they “aren’t talking to anyone in the room.”

Your crushes aren’t the issue. They’re symptoms. When you don’t feel secure, desired, or prioritized, your brain starts scanning for exits, emotional ones, physical ones, any direction that doesn’t look like you are being left holding the lease. And yes, your sex mismatch is already a red flag. If she can go weeks without intimacy long-distance, brace yourself for the drought once you’re living together.

Stop pretending you’re building a life with someone who hasn’t even built a cardboard box. Stop shopping for apartments with a woman who can’t send you a tracking number for one shipment. Stop calling it love when half of what you’re feeling is fear she’s not coming, and the other half is sexual frustration looking for oxygen.

She needs to prove she’s actually moving with actions, not promises. Ticket purchased. Boxes packed. A date she’s committed to, not fantasizing about. If she can’t do that within a week, the relationship is already over; you’re just staging the corpse.

And that woman hitting on you? Don’t be friends. You’re not that disciplined, and you know it. Until your relationship is stable or officially dead, keep her at a distance. You don’t “manage temptation,” you eliminate it.

Make the transition easier? Here’s the only way: demand clarity, demand action, and stop carrying the entire relationship like you’re her emotional and logistical concierge. If she won’t meet you halfway, don’t drag her the whole distance. You deserve someone who shows up not someone you have to pack for.

[Sally]

Long-distance can pull your head in two different directions at once loving someone like crazy but also feeling a little unsteady because nothing in your day-to-day is actually shared yet. So those crushes popping up? That’s usually loneliness talking, not a sign you want out.

What would worry me more is how unsure everything feels on her end no packing, no ticket, quiet when you talk about the future. That kind of silence gets loud after a while.

I don’t think you’re paranoid. I think you’re scared you’re building a life for two when she hasn’t taken the first real step yet.

Before you move in together, you need one honest conversation. Ask her if she’s truly ready, not in a dreamy way, but in a “this is our actual life” way.
The right person won’t leave you guessing this much.

[Natalie Noah]

What stands out most is that you’re contemplating a huge life change moving in together after only seven weeks physically spent together in seven months. That’s very little time to truly understand someone’s habits, values, and compatibility. The fact that you’ve had three months apart recently and are already feeling doubts or noticing attractions elsewhere is a strong signal from your subconscious: your relationship isn’t fully anchored yet, and you may be trying to force commitment prematurely because of practical constraints like finances, rather than emotional readiness.

Your concerns about her behavior delays with packing, the plane ticket, and mixed signals are not paranoia. They are your intuition alerting you that she may be ambivalent about this move. People act out of fear in different ways, and her hesitation, combined with her past abusive experiences, may be affecting her ability to fully commit. That doesn’t necessarily mean she’s being unfaithful, but it does suggest she might not be fully ready for such a big step. You are picking up on subtle cues that your heart is trying to process, and it’s wise to pay attention.

Your attraction to other women isn’t a moral failing; it’s a natural response when you feel uncertainty or anxiety about a serious commitment. Your mind is exploring possibilities and testing your emotional readiness. This doesn’t diminish your love for her, but it does reveal that you are human and that your needs and instincts need to be acknowledged before you make a long-term decision. You are showing great self-awareness by not acting on these impulses, which speaks volumes about your integrity.

The healthiest step right now is to pause the move and have a candid conversation. Slow things down and be honest about your feelings, your concerns, and your need for reassurance and clarity. Moving in under financial pressure rather than emotional readiness is likely to create stress and resentment for both of you. By honoring your gut, you give both yourself and her the chance to enter this next stage with clarity, mutual commitment, and a real understanding of what it means to live together.

[Member]

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