[Dee3]

Hello! I am a 36 year old, divorced female. I have been divorced now for 7 years. In April of this year I met a 39 yr., divorced male through an online dating site. On his site he said he was recently divorced, looking for a long-term relationship, to find someone who was dynamic, and one who he could mesh well with, great chemistry (like chocolate & peanut butter, or Sponge Bob Square Pants & Patrick, or H2O. We immediately hit it off, spending hours talking on the phone, and I waited 2 weeks to go out on our first date to be sure. We have an unbelievable amount of chemistry. So much in common, and many phenomenal coincidences such as the women that was like a second mother to me, we were not biologically related, however she was a part of my family, was related to him (she has passed). Her children are my Facebook friends, and when he & I became FB friends we already had mutual friends- his cousins! I have felt from the start of our relationship that we were meant to meet. He and I have already discussed how awesome & phenomenal of an occurrence to meet the way we have, and to now share such a close, loving, trusting, and honest relationship. I am so grateful to have met him, no matter what comes of our relationship.

I do have many questions and am very confused. His divorce was final in February of this year. She was not faithful to him many times, and even cheated on her boyfriend of 3 years with another man while she was still married to him! I can relate to the pain of betrayal as I had to go through this in my past, and I know it is not easy to get over! The closer I have got to him in the past four months, the more he opens up about his feelings. He has been seeing the same counselor for years (this counselor worked with both of them until they separated) This counselor knows their problems together and separately. He has shared how strongly he feels about me to this counselor, and this counselor advised that we just date for a year to see how things go. I am okay with this. The counselor also advised for him to only share certain things with me, and to not share specific feelings or thoughts. This is where problems have started. He has been sharing everything with me going against the counselor’s advice.

For instance, at one point this summer I spent a few wonderful days with him. He still lives in the house that they shared together. She moved out of state when they separated. The next day after I went home he had a counseling appointment, and later that night we spoke on the phone. He said he had a hard time waking up alone, & how wonderful it was to spend those days together. He began to cry, saying that he went to counseling, however he felt alone, (and I couldn’t clearly hear him through the crying) and he said I just miss… I said me? He said he was so confused. I then said “her”? I was instantly shocked and couldn’t understand why he was sharing that with me. When I didn’t respond, I was silently crying too. He knew I was upset because I was silent. He got angry with me, and himself saying that he shouldn’t have told me that, his counselor had warned him not to, it would only hurt me. He then went on to say that he was being vulnerable with me, that he trusted me, and my reaction ruined his feeling open with me. Now, he feels like he has to be careful of what to share, & that he feels as if he is walking on egg shells.

Fast forward three weeks later. We were still dating. One morning over coffee he brings up his ex & how they were not intimate for over five years. I just listened. He said that she was ” small” & complained that sex just ” hurt too much. I’m sorry, but at this point I couldn’t listen without being hurt by the words. After being intimate with him, it made me sick to think that he was making a comparison with me. I would never in a million years share my ex husband’s size, or any intimate details, or make any comparisons. I was extremely hurt and angry, and I shared this with him right away. Once again, I was met with the same response that he was feeling close enough to share this & I ruined it because I shared how much it hurt me to hear.

I realize that he has intimacy and trust issues. I am now the one who is walking on eggshells as to not react in a certain way to anything he says because I don’t want him to not be open with me. This past weekend he brought her up three times. He talked with her on the phone before the weekend. He has some of her books and other stuff to return. He was originally going to send them with his family member to her when they visited her state. She said she missed their dog, and the house, so she would like to visit in October to see them & pick up her stuff. His counselor advised him to have little to no contact with her as he stated that she is a ” habitual lier” and will only hurt him again. We had fun all weekend because I just kept things light. We went to church on Sunday. After we got in the car he started to cry because he said he was reminded of their times going there. This was the fifth time I went to his church with him, however the first time he broke down.

The whole time I have dated him he says how grateful he is to have me in his life. He has introduced me to his family many times, brought me to many work functions, and I have met numerous friends, neighbors, co-workers, and even priests. He has incorporated me into his life in so many ways, welcoming me to become closer to him. I have committed myself to him, however I do not feel that he is truly ready to commit to me. He has often said that I am a “God send” in his life, he just worries that I came into his life at the wrong time. Also, that God has answered his prayers by sending me, everything he ever wanted in another person. He does not want to lose me. He wishes that he was healed from his last relationship problems so he can have a normal, committed relationship with me.

I am really confused. I know there are many red flags. I truly believe that he is a wonderful person. He just has unresolved issues. I don’t want to lose what we have. I value him so much! I just don’t know how to handle this situation. I would really appreciate any advice. What should I do?

Thank You!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Divorce can be, and usually is, traumatic. And it takes different people different amounts of time to get over a divorce. There’s no math equation that will measure the amount of time he needs, but the fiber of his failed marriage, the reasons for the divorce, the length of time they were married, together before marriage, apart before he met you, and his own history from before he even knew her — all enter into the equation. In other words, it’s complicated! 😉 And he’s not as far along post-marriage, as you are. In fact, he’s still in the grieving stages.

His counselor is right that he shouldn’t be sharing things with you, like how much he misses his ex-wife, because the two of you are too new in your relationship for you to feel secure in it. (Even in a good marriage, a spouse doesn’t have to be a soulmate or the recipient of your stating every fact and feeling you have!) You want to be with someone who’s ready to move on. He’s not. Right now, he’s more in need of comfort than he is able to be responsible for being a boyfriend. In other words, he needs to express his feelings and miss his ex-wife more than he is ready for a healthy relationship. He will be ready one day, and how soon that day comes, has to do with him alone. However, as far as you go, this isn’t a good match for you now, simply because he’s not ready to be in a relationship and to take care of someone else because he’s still taking care of himself. It’s not that he’s selfish — he’s not — he’s just not ready. It’s a lot like getting over pneumonia. If you don’t take care of yourself and heal, you’re going to relapse or infect someone else. And while he doesn’t have pneumonia, he does have to heal before he can be in a relationship with anyone, without his grief affecting them, or running him down.

But that’s all about him. For you, there are a couple of things you can do for yourself. First, you can move on and find someone who is ready to be in a relationship, since he isn’t. Sometimes it’s hard to break up with people who are simply incompatible because there is so much good, and only one deal breaker (he’s still emotionally committed to his ex-wife and the grief of their divorce). Or, you can take an interim step and give the relationship a break for a couple of months. This may give him the chance to heal on his own, miss you and figure out what it is he wants to do. You do, however, run the risk that another woman will take your place and be okay with the situation that you aren’t. But I think the first thing you should try before either of those steps, is to stay in the relationship with him, but tell him in the moment that one of these events happens that what it is he says and does that really hurts your feelings when he makes you feel you’re not the number one woman in his life. He needs to understand that you want to be primo to him, and that your feelings are important, as are his. But, if that doesn’t effect a change, you can kiss him on the lips and tell him you’re going to give yourself a break for a few hours (or days), and go home. This is a little bit like training someone to change their behavior. Thank Pavlov. When the person does what you want to change, kindly tell them what they’re doing, and what your response is going to be, and why, and then do it. Without malice and with love, but also with self boundaries and self respect. If his behavior doesn’t change after you change yours with this exercise, then you can readdress the idea that he needs a lot more time to get over his divorce than you’re willing to share.

I hope that works. 🙂

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[Dee3]

Thank you so very much April!

Your response has helped me immensely! I am going to take your advice and kindly set those boundaries in the event of any other episode that may occur that needs change. I care about him so much, and recognize the grieving stage from going through it in the past with my divorce. I am so grateful for your thoughts on this, as I am now feeling reassured and prepared with a new action plan. You are right! I do not feel secure in the relationship at this point, and in order to be there for him while he heals I need to state what feelings I have, what I am okay with and what I am not. I will work on gently handling this with love, and send him the message that I want to be number one in his life. I will also take any needed breaks away at times when I feel that we need space.

Much Appreciation and Gratitude April!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

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