[Abby88]

Hi,

My partner and I have a great group of friends. One of our friends happens to be my partner’s boss. His wife and I get along great as we can relate to each other (moving to a new city, not knowing anyone etc) as we both have had a similar past year. It’s unique (for me at least) to see my partner being close to his boss. They can joke around and be friends and at work be 100% professional. They know when it’s time to play and work. They became friends after they started working as they also relocated for their jobs around the same time. It was easy to hang out outside of work since they didn’t know anyone else besides a few other co-workers. We see each other regularly outside of working hours with the rest of the circle of friends, also occasional dinner invites…and every few months go on short weekend trips together.

That was some background…now that we’ve been friends for a while now (over 2 years), we’ve obviously seen ups and downs of each others relationships. It’s something that the boss’ wife and I also can relate to. We talk to each other and seek advice when we need it. Mostly, it’s me that seeks advice since she is married and I have been with my partner for some years now. We usually meet up for a drink once a month, go shopping or so to just catch up and basically hang out with someone!

Recently, my partner and I were going through some issues. Thing went sour very quickly and at one point, I was just a wreck and due to bad timing, lack of other people for support and a massive time zone difference with back home, I was unable to talk to anyone but her. I ended up sharing my feelings the night my partner and I argued and the next day when my partner and I were not able to solve things and things were looking very grim…I went over to her house (where his boss lives as well) to clear my head.

This outraged my partner (and in hindsight, i can see why) as he believed i should not have went there for any guidance since his boss was present (and therefore could see our massive low in our relationship). I kept repeating that I had nowhere else to go, that I was feeling lonely and needed support – also, i felt guilty and apologized over and over again to his boss/wife saying i shouldn’t be involving them, but i didn’t have anywhere else to go. everything sort of was a panic reaction. They reassured me over and over again that they were my friends and i could come there anytime – that we were all friends and could support each other. They weren’t judging our relationship at all and reassured me that everyone goes through ups and downs and could use some support. They had my back and were willing to help me out and let me stay for the afternoon, just to clear my head.

Now that my partner and I have worked through our issue, he has decided to “limit” his contact with his boss/wife outside of work. He says although we have moved passed our issue and are working everything out, I had been unfair (agreed) and compromised his relationship with his boss due to the dealings i had with his wife.

I understand this decision and of course, I feel terrible. But, I’m not sure what to do now. Should I also limit my dealings out of respect for our relationship and to show him that this most likely won’t happen again? I feel terrible as she was a very close friend of mine. We are both from the same hometown (although never knew each other until we moved) and do share common interests. I’m sad to limit our dealings with them as well. I know the relationship was very unique and I guess I have ruined something that is very rare… I want to speak to my partner about it and I know he wants to talk about it as well, but I haven’t a clue what to say…or where I should go from here. I don’t want to lose a friend. I’ve found it difficult to adjust to living in a new city as I feel out of my comfort zone. I’m sure she will be sad too if she notices that I contact her less. It will be quite obvious (i think) that it all stemmed from the issues we had earlier.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

abby88

[Ask April Masini]

You’re being unnecessarily hard on yourself. 😳 While your partner/boyfriend is right to limit his social relationship with his boss and the bosses wife because you crossed a boundary which made your boyfriend feel uncomfortable in his workplace, this is a natural progression in the complicated relationships you all forged. Relationships have their own lives and they naturally ebb and flow and sometimes they end or change. This is normal.

It’s fine to socialize with your partner’s boss and the bosses wife — lots of people do this. What was threatening, as you know, was when you went to your boyfriend’s bosses home to discuss your relationship problems with your boyfriend’s bosses wife. But your resources in a new town were limited, and you genuinely liked this woman as a friend in whom to confide.

Now that you’re past that — and I agree with your boyfriend that you do need to get past it — it’s time for you to start branching out and meeting other people on your own so you have girlfriends and other couples for the two of you to socialize with IN ADDITION to your boyfriend’s boss and his wife. It will be awkward during this transition, but if you do your work and do start to make more of a social life of your own so you have more resources for times of trouble, you’ll be able to get through this time when you feel guilt, loss and sadness for the changing relationships.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go. And join me on Facebook. I have a newly forming group page and I want my posters here to become free members there, too. Here’s the link for AskApril.com on Facebook: [url][/url]. 😀

[Author]

Posts