[waterbottle]

Dear April, Please help me! I used to date in college but I graduated a year ago and I have not gone out on a single date since then. Back in college dating was way easier maybe because I had no expectations and I was just trying to have fun. I was never looking for a serious relationship. My longest “relationship” was 5 weeks. I know that sounds a little pathetic, but it suited my short attention span life. Anyways, by this age, I’m kind of over just messing around for fun and I’m really looking for a real relationship with substance. I feel like guys I meet at bars only want to hook up with me, and that is note what I am looking for, but unfortunately those are the only guys that ever approach me. No guy ever approaches me at the library or coffee shop or gym or anywhere else in the entire world, just at bars after midnight. I don’t even dress like a slut and I don’t go out that much either but I am in grad school so when we don’t have exams we try to go out and let loose a little but its not an everyday thing. I am not shy either. Sometimes I try to start random conversations with random guys, mostly because I might be bored and I have nothing else to do, but unless we are at a bar, they don’t really sound that interested so I discontinue the conversation. It’s gotten so bad that I even tried studying at different libraries and coffee shops to increase my chances of meeting someone new but it never happens. I even signed up for random events I’m not interested in so that I can meet new guys but I never do. My favorite sport is basketball and every Friday there is a pick-up game that goes on for hours. I’m usually the only girl. All the guys I play with are really nice and some are pretty cute too, but I’m not sure how to get them to see me as a girl. I mean, I like basketball a lot, and I get really competitive, and over there every Friday, I’m totally one of the guys. I’m like a “bro” to them. I am flattered that they respect me and enjoy playing with me but I’m tired of either being the “bro” when I play basketball, the girl everyone wants to hook up with when I go out, or just invisible all the other times. I feel like I am almost un-dateable and it makes me really sad. I feel like I am stuck in a bad cycle where I already feel hopeless and it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and everyday it only gets worse. I mean when you go over a year without going on a single date, it’s pretty depressing, unless you purposely want to be alone, but I don’t. What should I do? How do I break this cycle I am stuck in?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re asking all the right questions, which is why I’m confident you can beat this cycle of dateless-ness. 🙂 You’re right, you’re in a cycle that needs breaking, so here are some tips and tricks to do that.

Take a good look at yourself in a brutally honest way, and decide what you can improve on, whether it’s your appearance, your syntax, your vocabulary, your life experience — whatever it is, from a few pounds you might need to lose, to a new hairstyle, to new clothes — be super honest with yourself. You might want to buy and read Think & Date Like A Man, a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right, and you can buy it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. It’s got a LOT of tips and advice that I don’t have room to give you on the forum.

Next, vow to meet 20 new men each day. You can simply flirt with and smile at someone, make small talk, and introduce yourself. These can be people in the park, the dry cleaner’s, the gym — but they have to be NEW people, so that you feel like you’re constantly increasing your resources. I know that the number may appear unwieldy at first, but try to do it and make it a priority.

One thing that will make that goal easier to achieve, is if you shake up your routine, and switch gyms, or sports workouts, and switch coffee shops and libraries. Go to different venues than what you usually do, so that you can give yourself more opportunity to meet those 20 different men each day!

Then, make sure you’re acting available. Simply being a nice person isn’t enough. You have flirt, be alluring and mysterious. In other words, be someone that men want to ask out. I think if you try these three things, you’ll see results.

I hope that helps!

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