[Anonymous]

Hi April,

I have a problem in my relationship and I’m seeking advice. I’ve presented this question on many forums and the answer seems to lie right along gender lines. Females tend to agree with my girlfriend and males tend to agree with me.

I have been with my girlfriend for 8 months. We were both previously married and unhappy. Some background info, my girlfriend has an adult child and a grandson. Her daughter is not the biological daughter of her ex-husband. I have two kids and my divorce is not finalized yet, but is in the works. I have a great relationship with my kids and a “business only” relationship with my soon to be ex-wife.

My girlfriend and her ex-husband split on fairly good terms. He was shocked but she tells me that he has accepted things and moved on. She desires to remain friends with him. The definition of friends can vary a lot. Just a few weeks after they split she approached me and said that her ex wanted to take her out to dinner at an upscale restaurant for food and drinks and to discuss things. Not wanting to be a jealous guy, I told her to go ahead even though I hated the idea. The result was that I spent about three hours miserable and worrying about what was going on. Since that time, every time and email or phone call happens, I get uncomfortable and we end up arguing about him. This has been pretty consistent throughout our 8 month relationship but she will not budge on the idea that she wants to keep contact with him.

The latest issue is that her car needs a repair that will cost about $200 at a garage. Her ex-husband is a handyman by trade and he will do the repair for her for cost. She sees nothing wrong with doing this because she says that friends do things like that for eachother. Last time she needed a repair I gave in after several days of arguing and she went to his place to get her brakes replaced. The result was that I sat at home alone for almost 5 hours while he fixed her car. What I have to deal with every day now is that when anything around the house breaks and I don’t know how to fix it, she immediately says that her ex can fix it and that we should call him. It makes me feel horrible that she still sees her ex as the fix it guy and immediately thinks of him anytime something breaks. I feel that it is my job to provide and care for her and she should not be running to her ex for every problem.

This current fix will save us about $40 if he does it, but he lives 1:15 away so it will be an all day thing and she will not allow me to go along. She says that if I have a problem with this it’s because I don’t trust her.

Am I out of line thinking that her ex-husband doing favors of this nature for her is out of line? Is she out of line even considering an option that involves QT with her ex-husband alone without me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry, but I’m going to cross gender lines here, and agree with you. 😆

If you plan to marry your girlfriend and be the number one man in her life, then she has to let go of her ex-husband and give you that spot. Cutting the ties with an ex when there are children involved is nearly impossible, but her child is grown, and she’s making dinner dates and fix it appointments with him that are not necessary for co-parenting their child and are hurting her relationship with you.

It’s entirely fair for her to tell her ex-husband that she appreciates the dinner invitation, but since they’re divorced, and she’s serious about you, it’s inappropriate. If there’s business to discuss e-mail works great.

If a social event includes the children, like Thanksgiving or a wedding or graduation, it’s entirely appropriate at that time to include the ex-husband AND you as well as the children at a group event, but her days of dinner and handyman benefits from the ex need to go the way of her late marriage and become history.

She needs to pave the way for a new man in her life by letting go of the old one.

I hope that helps — and that you’ll join me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Member]

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