[Curtis]

Hi, I am a 16 year old guy and my (ex?) girlfriend is 19. We’ve been dating a little over 13 months and we were crazy for each other a few months before we started dating. However, about a month or so ago my girlfriend got a job as a waiter and things had been going downhill from there. We started becoming more distant from each other and soon we realized that something had to be changed. We talked less than a week ago about things we can change to help make this relationship work. One big part of the talks were that the relationship has plateaued and become stale and boring.

Today, my girlfriend came over and we talked and she told me that she doesn’t feel the same way anymore. For example she doesn’t get excited anymore when she sees texts from me, and subconsciously I am no longer her top priority, as she would rather spend time with friends than me. She said that it’s not fair for me because she is my top priority, but I’m not hers. She said that she likes spending time with me and hanging out with me, but when we do it’s more of a “friend” feeling than a “girlfriend” feeling. She believes this is because the spark isn’t there anymore, and when I asked if she wanted it to be there she responded with that she wasn’t sure. I then asked if there was anything I could do to maybe help recreate this spark in our relationship, but she said that she doesn’t think there is and that she needs a couple of weeks to figure out what she wants.

At this point, I’m already feeling desperate and I ask her what we were gonna do for the next couple of weeks. She said that we should just try to be normal and she can figure out what she wants. At this point, I ask her if it would be easier for her to figure that out if I gave her space and she thought that was a good idea. Therefore, starting today we are on a “break” and we scheduled to meet in two weeks.

After spending the night thinking over our conversation, I realized that we may have lost the spark because my life in general has become so bland. When I’m not spending time with her I am either at school, watching Netflix or playing video games. Her on the other hand is always busy with work and hanging out with her friends. In addition, I haven’t done anything romantic or surprised her at all in a long time. Most of the time we had spent together the past month was just watching Netflix. I wish I could tell her all this but we agreed on no contact. I know I’ve done wrong in the past by being boring in general, but during the talk today, was deciding on a break the right decision in terms of being most likely to get her back? If not, what are some steps I can take from here that can increase my chances?

One last thing, she tutors my little sister on Saturdays, should I/would it be okay if I wrote her a letter telling her the things in the paragraph above and have my sister give it to her? Please help me, I love this girl with all my heart, thank you!

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like she’s trying to let you down gently. 😳 Your realization that she got bored because you kind of dropped the ball in making her feel important and special is probably right, but writing her a letter acknowledging this realization is not the same as doing something about it. It may be too late because she’s already made up her mind to move on and is just trying to gently slip away, but if you are going to make a gesture, it should be one that isn’t passive. Bring her flowers or see if she’ll go ice skating or go to a museum or a great movie and ice cream with you — and if it is too late, see if you can learn from this experience. Women want to feel like they’re important and interesting. 😉

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[Curtis]

Thanks for the reply April, I appreciate it. When you say that if I want to make a gesture, do you suggest that I do that by breaking our no-contact agreement of our two week break? The break itself was an idea that I brought up, she actually wanted to stay around a couple weeks to see if her feelings would change, but seeing how things were going I knew we had to take a different approach. I truly believe right now that she is trying to figure out whether she wants to continue this relationship, and that’s her goal as opposed to trying to gently slip away. We are scheduled to meet on the 4th, should I make my gesture before the date and break the no contact we had agreed on? Thanks again,
Curtis

[AskApril Masini]

Taking a break is never a good idea if you want a relationship to continue or flourish. It’s a mini “break up” during which time people usually test the waters with other dates. I understand your feeling you had to take a different approach, and that this was what you came up with, but I think that it’s going to lead to a permanent break. You can tell her you made a mistake, when you create a grand gesture, but remember — it’s going to be a “hail mary” attempt. It sounds like this relationship is ending, and you may be trying in vain if she’s already made up her mind, which is very probable. 🙁

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