[Anna]

Dear April,

my problem is simple as that. I have found the love of my life, I feel the absolute happiness every single day. I feel his love, care, interest. I am deeply in love with him and I am not quite sure if I could manage to fall in love like this again. I felt this from the exact moment I saw him. And we have been together for about 8 months. I am a greek 26-old girl, a private tutor of english and german and he works for a greek company for very little money. Of course, he is not happy with that, he wants to live and work abroad, to expand his limits, to achieve a higher standard of living. Although he tries hard, he finds it difficult to accomplish that, he has a master already. And as far as I am concerned I have been planning from the summer to study in England for a postgraduate degree. I have wanted that, I wanted to proceed with me life, to evolve. And yes, I was accepted in the Master Program I wanted! From a very good university. And here comes the question… What shall I do with him?

I am so confused. When I touch him, I feel chills. I am in a transitional phase in my life and my decision will determine my future. He, for the time being, has no sufficient funds to come and visit me in the UK. I don’t know what to do. I have told him that, he replied that I should focus on my career and that we will not fade away. Because he cannot bear the responsibility if something goes wrong in our relationship to have kept me here in Greece and that I will later blame him for that. Still, he aknowledges the having this kind of relationship will be really hard since he does not believe in relationships via distance. On the one hand, he tells me to proceed, on the other he tells me that it will be quite hard for us but we will not fade away. I just don’t know. It will be a great experience I know, but should I pay the price?

Everybody tells me to go on. And that if it is worth it, it will last. I am afraid because I know his financial situation. Still, I don’t want to stay stable. My sister as well is highly focused on her career, my parents really urge me to go on as well. What do you think?

Yours, Desperate
Please,help!!!!

[Ask April Masini]

You need to go and accept the admission invitation to the master’s program you received. Your boyfriend’s problems are his and his alone, and you can’t help him with them. These are problems he has to take care of himself. Your staying in Greece and sacrificing your education and career will not help him fix his problems — in fact, they make things worse for him because he feels pressure to perform that he can’t live up to.

Here’s the hard news you need to hear: When you choose a man, choose one who is ready to get married. If you don’t do that, you’re going to run up against this kind of problem. Men who want to get married are at a certain place in their careers and while I don’t mean to sound cold hearted, your boyfriend is just at a different place in his life than you are.

Your going away may prompt him to solve his problems, or it may make his problems even more pronounced. Regardless, you have to live your life right now. If he wants to propose marriage to you right now, he is smart enough to know how to do that. If he doesn’t, I think you have to go to England, do your master’s program, and be open to what life brings you.

I hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

Dear April,

thank you so much. Everything starts to make sense right now. I am deeply grateful for your straightforward advice.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m glad I was able to help. Good luck to you! 😀

[Anonymous]

Dear April, do you believe that if the love is real the relationship is going to last via distance? If it spoils, does it mean it wasn’t meant to be or it was not real? Thank you!

[Ask April Masini]

Love is not enough to make a long distance relationship last. Compatibility and shared goals are, but love by itself isn’t. You have to figure out your own life goals and decide where a relationship fits in there. If it’s a number one priority, then you’ll move to be where he is. If your career is your most important goal, then finding a partner who is compatible to your career is a much wiser idea.

There is (hopefully) lots of love in your life — love of friends, family, pets, hobbies, jobs and lovers who come and go, but making a marriage work requires more than just love.

[Anonymous]

there is compatibility but insofar the shared goals are concerned if i actually move, there is going to be no common goals…

i am really confused because when i have a good time with me partner ( almost all of the times ) i cannot bear the thought of not having seen him for so long… on the other hand, when we have fights i actually wanna move country… and pursue my career… i am not a career oriented person, he is much more than me… he would leave if he was in my shoes… he is much more rational and he is living for the present moment…me, most of the times i decide based on my feelings that is why i am being so deliberate right now! still, i don’t like staying still in my life… i have dreams… i just keep changing my mind due to my feelings and that is really not good. if it wasn’t for him, i would be so happy about my master!

What can i do? if i choose to leave, i am leaving him… and i am pursuing a good career… and what if he is the one? and i lose him? do you believe that we only have one soul mate? or that it is a product of our imagination? i am not focused on marriage, but i would like to get married to somebody i admire and i am deeply in love with… i like being successful, but i am happy when i am with him… still, my job recently does not give me the satisfaction it gave me some years ago and in greece there are no significant career prospects due to the economic crisis as well as to the huge competition!!! being a teacher in a private school requires a master and much experience… my experience is 7 years but 7 years ( i am 26 years old) of private teaching does not count for them, because it is under the table…

thank you some much!

[Ask April Masini]

You are very in the moment when it comes to thinking about your relationship. When you love him, you can’t bear the thought of losing him and when you fight with him you want to pick up and leave the country. However, you’re very clear that although you don’t consider yourself career minded, you would love to get your post graduate degree, and you would like to get that degree because of your economic concerns. You may say you’re not career minded — but I think you are! 🙂

That’s why I still think you should pursue your education and career. If you leave the country, don’t forget — HE could come after you! ([b][i]If[/i][/b] he felt strongly enough about you and the relationship.) It doesn’t HAVE to be the end of things — but he isn’t interested in pursuing you in this way. That’s what you have to remember. He isn’t offering you a proposal of marriage to stay and make a life with him — he isn’t offering you anything except his company. Your better offer is abroad and he’s welcome to visit or move since his career doesn’t require his being in one particular place.

Losing him has a lot to do with his behavior as well as yours. If he doesn’t follow you when it’s not hard to follow or chase you, he’s giving you a signal that he’s not that interested in you. Heed that signal! If you don’t, you’ll be sorry later.

[Anonymous]

I really think you are awesome in your advice and I am not saying that just as a compliment. You really help me with your advice. 🙂

The problem is that he works as a sales manager in his uncle’s company in Greece. That means that if the company goes well he can have a share on the gains and involve much quicker in his career. I mean things get really nicer for him as time goes by. Being an employee in a foreign company , let’s say in the UK, though still he does not possess the adequate experience, wouldn’t offer him so much as well as prospects for professional development. So, it is best for him to stay here in that perspective. And it is better for me to leave. I wouldn’t want him to follow me if he had to ruin his life. He wouldn’t want me to ruin my life staying here as well. But I would love him being with me. If he didn’t have this position I think he would come! Still, I must tell you that he has already applied for a master in Sweden. But possibly not accepted. He told me that if accepted, it would be better for us since trips abroad are much cheaper than trips from Greece to the UK.

Insofar the economic concerns come into play, I gain at about 1400 euro per month when the average salary in Greece for university graduates is 800! Still, I want to study Psychology of Education since this is what I am really interested in. I don’t care just for the money. I care to love what I am doing. I could become an interpreter since I know German as well. Don’t know if it will make me happy though… I want to look ahead, long term, not just live the moment and not care about the future. Yes, I want to have a family finally, but I want a regular job, preferably a morning one and a steadier one!

And I think you are right. Still, do you consider that a year can destroy a relationship? It is just one year! What is your opinion about what I asked you about soulmates! 🙂 It has been nice sharing my thoughts with you 🙂 Thank you!

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for the compliments on my advice. I’m very glad I can help you. 😀

In response to your more specific question: I think a year away from each other can kill a relationship where both people are not committed to the relationship in a strong way, but if they are, a year’s time can be endured. It really depends on the two people and what they want for themselves and for each other.

If you read my book, (which I highly recommend) Think & Date Like A Man, which you can download here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], you’ll read about my advice on finding Mr. Right. One of the tenets of Mr. Right is that he’s READY for a long term, committed relationship. There are certain hints that he’s ready and one of them is that he’s at a point in his career where he’s ready to support a family and take on the responsibility of a wife and kids. When you find a man who’s ready for a relationship, and not just looking for someone to be with, but is ready for the whole shebang, you won’t encounter the problems you’re having now with your boyfriend. 😕 Part of the problem is that he’s not making a strong commitment to you. So you’re trying to hedge your bets by making sure the two of you are where you need to be for your careers, and your relationship, given the lack of commitment.

Soul mates are great, but you may have more than one in your life — they may be a mother, a daughter, a husband, a lover or a mentor in some part of your life. So open your mind when looking for a soul mate, and make sure you take care of yourself and your career now, since your boyfriend isn’t really ready to make a commitment to you.

[Anonymous]

Well, yes. I am going to buy your book which seems interesting:) Though, I wonder… How can a man not make a strong commitment to me when we are basically living together? Let’s say…5 times a week we sleep under the same roof and we engage in all activities together… Even to a professional trip of him to Germany and to Switzerland we went together 🙂 I see my friends more often than he sees his own because he wants to be with me…Still, yes…He is at the beginning of his career and his career involves a lot of traveling which I don’t like much…Well, if you were in my shoes and you had this kind of relationship for someone you care deeply about, would you still think he is not appropriate for you and you would look for someone in a different phase?I mean sometimes we cannot control who we love…Thank you some much!

[Ask April Masini]

You may not be able to control who you love, but you can control your own behavior. 😉

Lots of men live with women, but don’t want to marry them because for these men, that marriage commitment is more than they want to give. They can love each other very much but decide they don’t want to make decisions for themselves. In other words, your boyfriend can be over the moon in love with you, but so uncomfortable, himself, with an actual marriage at this time in his life, that he’s not willing to marry you. In other situations, I’ve seen readers write to me because they love their spouses or boyfriends, but those spouses and boyfriends are not willing to stand up for them against family because in spite of love, this behavior is not something they’re willing to do.

Please note that I never said that your boyfriend is not appropriate for you. I think that from what you’ve written, that you were questioning your decision to go abroad or not, and from your posts, I felt that going abroad to pursue your master’s degree offer and the career that will follow that education, was important at this time in your life given your almost live in boyfriend’s lack of a marriage proposal that might be reason for you not to leave. There is no guarantee that a year or two abroad will kill or strengthen your relationship and I think you’re looking for some kind of guarantee so that making this decision about whether to stay or go will be less risky.

[Anonymous]

Well, thank you once again 🙂 I truly think that when you really love someone you want him/ her to evolve in his/ her life and you can be patient for a certain period of time. If you cannot be patient for a while, it means that your feelings may not be strong enough. In our situation, the bad thing is that there is a lot of jealousy mutually. 😥 Can a passionate relationship be an everlasting one if there is jealousy in the middle? Does this lack of trust mean that it is not real?

[Ask April Masini]

The reason you have jealousy is because you lack trust. Jealousy comes about when you want something you don’t think you may be able to have. If you and your partner trust each other, you won’t feel jealous — just proud of each other. 😉

[Anonymous]

Well, I agree 🙂 April, do you believe that if I actually break up with him I will be able to fall in love again? Have you had any similar experience?;) Have a nice day!

[Author]

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