[Anonymous]

My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year now. I love her a lot but our relationship has had its lows. While we were together for the first five months, she cheated on me. I found out but she kept denying it even though I knew for a fact that she did. I broke up with her and and we obviously weren’t on good terms. We stopped talking for six months and one day, I received an e-mail from her telling me that she misses me and she still loves me and that she cannot get over me. Since I had not stopped loving her, and I missed her as well, I was happy to hear from her. We made up and we started to see each other again. She still had not confessed to anything and still kept denying that she cheated on me. I began to regret taking her back so easily and realized that I rushed back into the relationship without thinking things through.

Wanting to hear the truth from her mouth, one day I confronted her about and showed her the proof that I knew she was cheating on me (e-mail messages). She admitted to everything and said she was sorry for everything and made a terrible mistake. She also added that she hadn’t realized that she loved me when she was with me for the first five months and that while we weren’t together, she realized how much she loves me.

Our relationship right now is very shaky. I think I still resent her for how she treated me. I am having major trust issues with her. Even though she says she wouldn’t ever hurt me again, I feel paranoid and jumpy all the time. I am tired of feelings stressed because it is starting to get to me. Also, through a little bit of digging, I’ve learned she has met many guys off the internet and had sexual relationships with them long before we even started talking and even during the six months we didn’t talk. This makes me look at her differently and I don’t think I respect her like I used to and it makes me even more paranoid.

We have our good times but when I start to think about what she did or if something reminds me of how hurt I was when I learned she cheated on me, I distance myself from her and get into a really bad mood and don’t feel close to her and she notices that as well. But I still cannot get myself to break up with her because I will miss her so much. I don’t know if I can ever trust her completely or ever be able to let the past go. At the same time, I don’t know if I will be making a mistake if I break up with her. What if she loves me a lot and really does feel sorry for how she treated me? Can love and affection be enough without trust? Should I just forgive and and forget the past and start fresh? Is that even possible? I just don’t know what to do. Our relationship can’t keep going like this but at the same time I don’t want to be without her. I still love her. I don’t want to hurt her by telling her its over. But I don’t want to hurt myself either by going through this stress or putting myself in a position to get hurt again. Please help.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re stuck in a rut, and unless you do something to get out of it you’re going to continue to be unhappy in this relationship. You don’t trust your girlfriend, but you’re afraid to be alone. She’s cheated on you and lied to you about the cheating, and you have a very legitimate concern about her being faithful to you.

My advice is that you need to grow up and understand that love and affection are NOT enough to sustain a relationship where trust is missing. Trust is a cornerstone of any long-term relationship, and the reality is that not only don’t you trust your girlfriend — you don’t trust yourself! 😮 You need to find a way to feel that you are important enough to deserve a woman who doesn’t cheat on you and lie about it on top of that, and that you WILL find someone who is deserving of your time and attention, but only IF you let go of this relationship, face your fear of being alone, and open yourself up to all the wonderful women out there who will not cheat and lie to you.

I know you’re afraid of making a mistake by breaking up with her, but you’re not admitting that you made a mistake dating her in the first place or getting back together with someone who cheated, lied and didn’t fess up to her betrayal. She’s not Ms. Right. Ms. Right is still out there, so break up with your current girlfriend, and trust yourself to find someone who’s right for you. 🙂

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