[canadiangurl3006]

Are all men oversexualized pigs — who can’t help but look at other women, porn, etc., and can’t truly be monogamous?

I’ve been really struggling with this for the last few months… I’d always had minor issues with how our society views and treats women in the media and pop culture, but recently it turned into something extreme. What is sad is that I’m married to a wonderful, loyal man who thinks I am gorgeous. One of the very first things I noticed about him is how loyal and trustworthy he was/is. But this idea about mean all being idiotic pigs is making me try to find things now. It all started with a book someone gave me for our wedding entitled something like “what men want you to know but can’t tell you,” which was all about their apparent struggle with being sexual pigs. It was one of the most upsetting things I’ve ever read, and though I knew a lot of the so called “research” behind it wasn’t very good, it fed right into a vulnerability of mine… I ended up throwing the book out.

But the book planted a seed that has since been made much worse when I listen to the messages that I get from the certain male friends/acquaintances, the media and from popular sources about what men do and how they think.. It tells me that underneath all my hubby’s goodness is a guy who just wants to see and fantasize about other women naked, no matter how attractive I may be. My husband thinks I’m nuts, but he doesn’t live in the same world I do — guys are nowhere near as sexually objectified and exploited as women are. Almost everywhere my husband goes he encounters images of scantily clad women being objectified and demeaned; women don’t have that same experience with images of/messages about men. Any help or advice? I’m almost at the point of going to talk to someone about this. I get really upset when we’re watching movies or TV together, or he’s on his computer, and an image/scene of a scantily clad/naked woman comes up in an ad, to the point of where I refuse to watch certain shows, movies, etc. It upsets me because it reminds me of the society that I live in, but more so because I now can’t see how my husband cannot see those images and not get all turned on and start thinking about that woman, etc. It’s the whole idea of cheating on your spouse with your mind… Any help or am I just nuts and should go talk to someone? How can I be more okay with the idea of my husband being attracted to other women — can a man be attracted to a woman and not think about sleeping with her?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re doing exactly what you’re accusing men of doing — focusing on one part of who men are. And that’s where your distorted view of them comes from. Yes, men are visual, and they are attracted to visual images, so when they see an attractive woman, they may fantasize about them. But that’s just ONE part of who they are. Many of them are also loyal, responsible, caring, loving, kind-hearted — and more. If you choose to focus on one part of anyone, you’re going to get a distorted view.

Now, I’ll try and answer your specific questions:

[quote]Are all men oversexualized pigs — who can’t help but look at other women, porn, etc., and can’t truly be monogamous?[/quote]

Absolutely not.

[quote]Almost everywhere my husband goes he encounters images of scantily clad women being objectified and demeaned; women don’t have that same experience with images of/messages about men. Any help or advice>[/quote]

I’m not sure what you want advice on here….. What you’ve stated is true. What is it you want help with?

[quote] I get really upset when we’re watching movies or TV together, or he’s on his computer, and an image/scene of a scantily clad/naked woman comes up in an ad, to the point of where I refuse to watch certain shows, movies, etc. It upsets me because it reminds me of the society that I live in, but more so because I now can’t see how my husband cannot see those images and not get all turned on and start thinking about that woman, etc. It’s the whole idea of cheating on your spouse with your mind… Any help or am I just nuts and should go talk to someone?[/quote]

You have a couple of choices here. First of all, you can decide not to make a mountain out of a molehill. If you’re worried about your marriage, then focus on your marriage, not on controlling outside images that are part of the world. It doesn’t sound like your husband has done anything wrong or cheated or strayed or made you feel badly, so I’m not sure whether you’re scared of losing him to someone else or you’re just jealous of his attentions elsewhere. Second of all, if you see that something specific turns your husband on, then why don’t you adopt it in the bedroom? It doesn’t have to be part of your everyday life, but if he loves a hot woman in a black bikini, then why don’t you get one and look hot for him because he likes it. If you accept who he is and try to make him happy, you’ll be less anxious about being less than any image you think turns him on. 😉

[quote] How can I be more okay with the idea of my husband being attracted to other women — can a man be attracted to a woman and not think about sleeping with her?[/quote]

Yes, and it happens all the time. 😀 There are millions of happy, monogamous, couples. Decide to be one of them. 😀

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[canadiangurl3006]

Thank you this was really helpful! My thoughts may sound a bit extreme, but when you don’t really talk to.anyone about it for an extended period of time, and let it build up underneath your skin, the thoughts just spiral. I really appreciate your thoughts and comments! Will be putting some of that into action!

[canadiangurl3006]

And no, my husband hasn’t done anything wrong at all… I have projected my own thoughts/things onto him before though, because of my own fears and insecurities. Like thinking that when he sees nudity in a movie he automatically stores it in his mind to fantasize about a whole bunch later.

I’m part scared of losing him (driven by insecurities) and jealous of his attention. I know, rationally, both are ridiculous because he loves me like crazy. I get threatened easily, but it doesn’t happen often within our circle of friends (but I will get a little uncomfortable if a girl in a tight dress, with her hair and makeup done walks by). I would consider myself a pretty girl with a decent/okay body, but I’m not perfect in any way, got a lot of flaws. I compare myself a lot to others (a habit I’ve been trying to break for years) so pick up right away on people I feel threatened by.

But I read a quote very recently that was helpful… it went like this “The thing about beauty is that we are taught that it applies in the same ways to everyone, and that we can all see it the same and judge it the same and experience it the same and value it the same”

You also hear all the time that men find confidence very sexy, and I know that’s quite true of my husband… Just gotta find a way to develop mine a bit more. Any tips of confidence boosting strategies? I’m a big fan of lingerie for that — always find that wearing sexy undies underneath my clothes can make any bad day much better 😉 just kind of makes me feel a little special.

Thanks!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

See? You’re getting it already! 😀 Yes, wearing sexy lingerie can make you feel sexy and confident — and so, too, can working on your body where you can, to emphasize your assets and work on what needs work. Simple things like grooming, wearing nice clothes and taking care of yourself in so many other ways, will make you feel like you can compete with those women in the movies or those mystery women who walk by. Flirting with your husband, too, is a great way to keep his sexual attention focused on you! You can do this throughout the day — even when you’re not with him.

If you’re at all interested, I go through a lot of this in detail in Think & Date Like A Man, a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right. You can download the book here for only $8.99 : [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. It might be very helpful for you.

Basically, you have to stop living in your head and start living more in your marriage. Facing these fears, then overcoming them with positive experiences that drum out the bad experiences that set you up to think this way, is the way to beat them. It’s okay to have fears and concerns, but when you do, it’s a good idea to articulate them so you can figure out where they came from and how you can overcome them. 😉

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