[Kimaria]

I am dating a divorced man whose wife left him. He did not want the divorce and was devastated by it. He says he loves me, but I can’t help feeling that he will always love his first wife who he has two children with. If she hadn’t left him, I believe they would still be together. I can’t help but feel insecure about this, and it’s keeping me from pursuing our relationship. Is it possible to love someone else just as much if not more after your hearts be broken by his first wife who he loved?

[AskApril Masini]

The timeline matters here. How long ago did they divorce? How long were they married?

If this is a fresh divorce, it makes a lot of sense that he’s still processing things. But if it’s 10 years since the divorce, and he’s still holding out hope she’ll come back to him, you have a bigger issue at hand. I’m guessing you’ve never been married or divorced (fill me in, with your age, too). The reality is that most people, especially those with children, have complicated relationships with their exes. Most people marry expecting it to last, and when it doesn’t, they’re traumatized. That said, divorced men can make excellent husbands because they’re very appreciative of a good relationship the second time around, and they want it to work so they may work harder and have knowledge from mistakes made first time around. However, if it’s difficult for you to accept that he loved and lost in his first marriage, you should reconsider dating divorced men. They come with baggage — as well do — but theirs includes an ex who will be in your life as the mother of your future stepchildren if you continue dating him. Bottom line, if you can allow for the fact that he will always have special feelings for his first wife — but he’s with you and he loves you and you he may even love you more and for different reasons, then you should give this all a try and be patient with yourself. 😉

[Kimaria]

Well, it’s a little more complicated than that. They got married at 19 because she was expecting a child. They were together for 2 years and he said he wasn’t mature enough so she divorced him. They reunited after 10 years and the same thing happened. She eas expecting another child so
remarried. She left him after a week because he said she had a lot of issues. He said she wrote him a note saying it wasn’t him, but her this time. She is remarried to someone else now.
He got married to a different women 20 years ago and they had a child together. They just recently got divorced. His past is not the best, but he is the nicest, sweetest man I’ve ever met. We’ve been together for almost a year. We fell in love and want to continue the relationship. I am recently separated and have 3 children. I know he loves me, and he says he’s never connected with anyone like this before. Neither have I. I’m just insecure about the fact that then he remarried his first wife and was committed to the relationship the second time, that it broke his heart and he’ll never get over it. I know he loved her and wanted it to work for the children too. I guess I’ll always feel like I’ll come second. Makes me doubt
Whether I should pursue relationship further.

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like he’s been married 3 times (twice to this one woman you’re writing about) and has 3 children — if I understand you correctly he married this woman you’re concerned about twice and has two children with her, and he was married to another woman and he has a child with her, as well. How long was he married to the first woman, 20 years ago? And how old are his kids — and in how many different states do they live?

[Kimaria]

He was married to his first wife at 19 for 4 years. Then she left him because she felt he neglected her and was immature. Then they reunited about 10 yrs later and they remarried. I think it lasted a year or two and she was expecting another child, but left him while she was pregnant. Said it was her fault this time. Didn’t want to be with him. Within a year he met someone else and she became pregnant so they married. He was never really happy with her but stayed because of their child. They were married almost 20 years and recently divorced. It was mutual. They all live in the same state. Maybe an hour or so from each other. I do believe he loves me, and he does make me fell loved, but I can’t help but feel he will always have regrets about not still being with his first wife. Also, although he says he’s never been in love like he is now with me, I’m still a little concerned with his whole past. I’ve discussed it with him, and he always reassures me. Just don’t want to get hurt. Having some doubts and insecurities about him being able to really commit and be sure he’s honest about his feelings for his ex and for what he feels for me. Just wanted some opinions.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. Thank you for all the detail. Clearly, your concerns are valid. Take your time dating him and don’t rush into anything — whether it’s living together, pregnancy, marriage or even monogamy. Play the field and really get to know him. You’ll have a better hedge against risk that way. 😉

[Member]

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