[youthrowthings]

Hello, April –

I’m sure this isn’t new to you, but… here goes:

i’ve been married almost 20 years, with her for 25 years. they were good years at first, but over time i became more and more unhappy. though i believe she loves me, she has become very negative and cynical. over the years, while she has most times treated me well, the rough times were VERY rough. emotionally, i’ve been treated like a child (though sometimes i probably deserved it).

because of who i am, i internalized everything and tried to take her side, see her point of view, and ended up rationalizing my unhappiness – for her and for our two boys (13 and 11). unfortunately, it caught up with me. i’m unhappy, and about a week ago, told her how i felt, and that i didn’t want to be married. not only that, i said i wasn’t sure i even wanted to work on saving our marriage.

she was crushed, and over the next few days, we talked about everything from trying to make it work to ending the marriage. late tuesday evening, we spoke and i told her i owed it to her, me and US to at least SEE if things were fixable. she and i are in counseling, individually and as a couple.

my emotional state is depressed at best (there’s ZERO concern for anyone’s safety). i’m feeling like i checked out. i’m feeling that i’m trying because i’m supposed to WANT to work on it, while she TRULY wants it to work. and yet, when she offered me the option of leaving (or her leaving), i said no, i want to see if this is fixable. of course, she was sitting in front of me, crying and shaking because of how real this all is… (was my answer based on her emotional state? i can’t help but wonder…)

one last thing – or two. she is VERY ‘black and white’, i am very ‘gray’ (amongst a host of other ways we’re complete opposites). she wants an answer SOON, so she can then act on it. i’m feeling like i can’t give her that… but i really want to. the other thing? our 19th anniversary is in a little more than 3 weeks, and i don’t want to be ‘gray’ on that day…

i know this is MY decision to make, and that i can’t think about the guilt i feel for hurting her as i make that decision. problem is, i’ve never been the person breaking someone else’s heart. and i’ve never been great at making decisions. but i know i need to think about me and my happiness, because i’m obviously not happy, and can’t make others happy either. i just don’t want to make the wrong choice… there’s a lot more to this, but i don’t know what to add just yet…

so… what do you think? have i checked out, or do i want to stay? any insight?

[Ask April Masini]

I feel for your unhappiness, and I’m truly sorry that you are so upset. [i]It’s of concern that you write that there is zero concern for safety [/i]— I’m not sure what that means, but if you feel physically unsafe, or if you think you’re going to hurt yourself or someone else, [u]it’s crucial that you call a suicide hotline or some other 24 hour hotline to get help immediately[/u]. I know you feel like you’re at the bottom of the ocean, but this is not a problem anyone should die from. While it may not seem like it right now, you DO have options and so does your family. 🙂

First of all, there’s a big trend towards honoring feelings above behavior and character and it’s destructive — especially to men. When people put their feelings above their behavior and character there’s lots of room for trouble. It’s wonderful to feel good, but feeling certain pain is a natural part of life that many people try to deny and thwart out. Not all of life is SUPPOSED to be pain free. So, remember, just because you’ve hit a rough patch — IF that’s what this is — doesn’t mean your marriage is or has to be over.

Consider that your expectations of your marriage, your own behavior, your wife’s behavior and your personal life (outside of your marriage), may need adjusting. Marriages naturally go through boring times, tough times and yes, very good and wonderful times. Everyone’s marriage is different because every person comes to their own marriage with different expectations for themselves, their spouses and their families. And yes, people do change, and it helps to be flexible with your own behavior and expectations when this happens.

Have you worked on your marriage over the course of it’s 20 years? A marriage that lasts usually requires work. This is especially true since you and your wife are different in terms of seeing things in black and white or shades of gray. Have you gotten out of town just the two of you? Do you still date each other within the marriage? Or have the children sucked all your energy from your intimate and personal life? Does your sex life need sparking?

Second, consider the depression you’re having and decide if there is a deeper root to it than your marriage. How is your career? Your health? Your friendships? Your social life? Is it possible you would get divorced and continue to be depressed? Have you had a full scale physical and expressed your depression to your physician and asked him if there is a biological basis to your feelings? If not, try that — it can’t hurt and it may help. 😉 The worst thing you could do would be to get divorced because you are depressed in your marriage, only to find that the divorce doesn’t alleviate the depression, and the depression is due to something other than your marriage. This happens a lot with people who think their marriage is to blame for their unhappiness.

Consider all this before making a decision as to whether to stay in the marriage or leave it. If your wife is a black and white thinker then she’s going to want an answer, but eventually, if you can’t make a decision yourself, she will make one for herself, and you may not like it, so be part of the decision making process for your own good.

I hope that helps. Please let me know how things go. Maybe some other readers who’ve been through this very common slump in a marriage will chime in.

And join me on Facebook. I’d love to have you as a member of AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url].

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