[Alek4alt]

Me, and my ex broke up after a 4 year relationship, in September, she said because she doesn’t love me romantically anymore, and sees me as more of a brother. She wasn’t sure why she stopped loving me, but after reading Ex2 book I learned it was because I was too clingy, I had my ex atop a pedestal, and I didn’t have a purpose, tho I did finish college. My ex broke up with me in September, we stopped talking for a few weeks, then we began seeing each again almost 6 or 7 days a week, but platonically. I was thinking she would give me another chance, even after she kept telling me she won’t. So 2 week ago, after a 6 month platonic relationship, she told me that she went on a date with some guy twice, and she really likes him, and we need to stop seeing each other for a while. I didn’t talk to her for a week, then I had no choice but to call her. When we spoke i made sure i sounded cheerful, that i moved on with my life, and the break up was a good, thing, but I miss her as my friend.

She told me was that she needed to give me space to grow. Also, that she’s been trying to get me to change for a while, and that I finally did it “at the end.” She did not say “when it’s to late.” I then told her that I still need to fix her computer, and she told me she will feel bad if I do. She did not mansion she is seeing anyone.

What are your take on this? Is it too late for me to get back with my ex? And what do you recommend I should do next?

I really love her, and I’ve known her for almost 8 years.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

Do you have a job? Do you work?

When she told you she wanted you to change, what kind of change was she talking about?

[Alek4alt]

I’m 27 and she’s 26. I am an X-ray tech at a great hospital. When she said change, she ment new wardrobe, take care of my self, and have a purpose. Honestly, our relationship was really boring in the last year, and every time I wanted to work on that she didn’t. She still wants to keep connection with me, because we were friends for 4 years then dated 4 years. I love her deeply as a best friend and romantically, she told me she loves me like a brother.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you want to get the girl, then looking great and taking care of yourself, are most definitely things I recommend. If you’re going to try and get her back, then you should consider making those changes. I think they’re worthwhile — whether you’re with her or someone else. I’m not sure what you mean about her wanting you to have a purpose — does she mean that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere like, heading towards marriage? Or was she looking for someone with more ambition in his career? Either way, if you want her, and you know what she wants in a man — or more specifically, what she wanted in you, then you should consider making those changes.

When someone says they want changes, often I hear that they want a cheater to be monogamous or a liar to be truthful, and those are changes that are very difficult because they’re so deeply ingrained. But her wanting you to dress better and be more ambitious in your career are things you may hear from other women — and if you’ve invested four years in this relationship and really want her, you should really consider them.

Until you make the changes, I don’t think you can compete with this other guy. And that’s what you’re going to have to do — compete to win her over. Also, if the relationship got boring, what didn’t happen is that you or both of you didn’t do the work to spice things up. I’m wondering if there’s a theme of not wanting to do the work, running through this problem.

If you don’t make any changes, I don’t think you have a chance. If you do, you might. 😉

Hope that helps. Let me know how things go and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Alek4alt]

Purpose as in get a hobby, and go be more successful.

I am doing those things. I changed my wardrobe to the way she liked, and I’m trying to further my career. When I told her that, she told me that she knew she needed to give me space to grow. Also, that she’s been trying to get me to change for a while, and that I finally did it “at the end.” When we spoke I acted and told her that I moved on, and that I’m okay with the break up. The thing is, we have been broken up for 6 months now, and she did tell me that she went on a date with some guy twice, and that she really likes him, but she’s still not sure if she wants to date him. So I’m not sure if there is a guy or if there isn’t and if saying that was a way for her to distance us, and get me on the right track. Really got me confused or maybe i’m reading to much into this.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re being reactive instead of proactive. In other words, you’re looking for her to guide you as to what to do, and that’s the problem. She’s looking for a guy who leads, as are most women. It may be too late for this relationship because from her point of view, you didn’t make the changes she was looking for until late in the four year relationship, and now that you have they may not seem genuine to her. Instead, they may seem like a temporary measure to use to try and get her back.

If you want to get her back, you have to compete — she’s single now, so whether there’s a guy she’s told you about or a guy she hasn’t told you about, you’re back in “the pool” of guys who may want her and you have to give her reason to get back together with you.

However, after dating for four years, she may be wanting to find someone to marry and decided that’s not where things with you were heading, so she’s looking for someone who’s more on the same page with her in terms of this goal. Be honest with yourself about what YOU want in terms of marriage and a relationship and find someone who is compatible with you and your goals if it’s not her.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Alek4alt]

Thank you for your help April, you really are a big help to me. Last question.

I spoke to her in person on Friday and she told me she is seeing someone else. When I asked her if she’s seeing or dating this guy, she could not give me the answer. I still love her, and after more then a month, I still miss her a lot. I told her her that I learned my mistakes and I told her if she is dating I will give her space and contact her in a few months, and she said “thank you”. When I told her that I always pictured us living in a house with a child and a dog with a big back yard, she got surprised by it. She told me she misses me, and how well we got along. And that maybe in a year or 5 years, if we’re both single, that she’ll want to try dating me again.

Do you think I should still pursued her, or just leave it alone?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you should let go and work on yourself. Believe me — if she really broke up with you for the reasons she gave you, and you address them AND you live well and date other women — and she sees you’re desirable, she’s going to look at you differently. Sometimes perspective is your friend. With distance and some experience of her own in the dating world, she may look back and see you really are a missed opportunity. 😉

[Alek4alt]

Thank you for your help 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome.

Please “like” me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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