[anonymousssss]

I have a question and I don’t want any judgement I really just need advice. I have been with my boyfriend for about 8 months now and around the 6 month mark I saw a message on his phone that a girl he was talking to found out he had a girlfriend. I of course confronted him about it and he told me he met her on tinder awhile ago and that he invited her over for a party he was throwing for some of his single guy friends. He started crying and apologizing and I know nothing happened between them physically while we were together. I believed it, but deep down couldn’t let it go and we broke up for about a week and a half. We got back together trying to put differences aside and I found out during the time we were broken up he had finally met up with this girl for the first time and they hung out (I’m not upset about what happened while we were apart because we weren’t together) and I found out they were talking again. He wasn’t talking to her anymore once we were back together and blocked her on everything because I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with him talking to her. So she messaged me on Facebook and had told me that they have been talking over the last couple of months and that he had always texted her saying he wanted to see her while we were together, but she never met up with him. I told him this information and he got very upset and started crying saying he didn’t want to lose me and that it meant nothing and he never actually met her in person while we were together they were just texting. I still feel very upset about this and like I can’t trust him. I really want to be with him but I don’t know if he really loves or cares about me. I have told him if he wants to be single and not in a relationship with me so he can do what he wants and he keeps telling me he doesn’t want me to go anywhere and that I’m the only one he wants. I don’t understand why he would want to be with me if he is interested in talking to other girls and getting on tinder while he’s with me. I really need advice. He has been going through a lot of stuff with family and financial problems and sometimes claims to be depressed and resorts to drugs to make him happy, but I just don’t know whether to believe he really truly loves me and wants to be with me.

[AskApril Masini]

How old are you both?

[anonymousssss]

I’m 20 and he is 22

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. Thank you.

Your boyfriend isn’t ready for a committed, monogamous relationship — but he wants one. And, he wants to meet women outside the relationship. This could be for comfort, because he’s bored, or he’s curious. He’s a young guy who’s enjoying female attention and he’s looking for it. He probably does love you and he wants to commit to you, but he’s not mature enough to be honest about his own true feelings right now. He’s saying what he needs to say to keep you in the game. But he’s also playing the field.

My advice is to accept that he does love you but isn’t ready for the same thing you are. If you want a committed, monogamous relationship, he’s not the guy for that. I’m sorry because I know this is probably hard to hear, but I hope that it’s a relief because you won’t keep making yourself crazy by believing what he’s telling you and getting hurt by what he’s doing.

[Sally]

I know you said no judgment, and I mean that. I can hear how badly you want this to make sense.
Here’s the hard truth, said gently. He might care about you, but his actions aren’t showing real commitment. Getting on Tinder while he’s with you, texting another girl behind your back, then crying when he gets caught… that’s not love in action. That’s fear of being alone mixed with wanting options. People can cry and still be dishonest. Those two things can exist at the same time.

The part that worries me most isn’t even the other girl. It’s that you don’t feel safe or calm anymore. You’re questioning yourself, your gut, and your worth. Love isn’t supposed to feel like detective work. His family stress, money problems, depression, and drug use explain his behavior, but they don’t excuse it.

You’re not crazy for wanting to stay. But ask yourself this quietly: if nothing changed, how long could you live like this without losing yourself? That answer matters more than his words right now.

[Tara]

This man does not respect you, and no amount of crying, apologizing, “depression,” or family problems changes that. He didn’t accidentally end up on Tinder. He didn’t accidentally text another woman for months while in a relationship. He didn’t accidentally tell her he wanted to see her while claiming you were the only one he wanted. Those were deliberate choices made by someone who wants the security of a girlfriend and the ego boost of other women at the same time. That’s not confusion. That’s entitlement.

You’re stuck because you’re focusing on his words instead of his behavior. His words say, “I love you.” His actions say, “I keep backups, I lie when caught, and I cry to manipulate forgiveness.” Crying isn’t accountability. Blocking her only after being exposed isn’t loyalty. Doing damage control after getting caught isn’t commitment. A man who loves you doesn’t need to be told not to entertain other women. He simply doesn’t do it.

Stop using his depression, drugs, or family issues as excuses for his character flaws. Plenty of people struggle without betraying their partners. Those problems explain his behavior, they don’t excuse it. Right now, you’re teaching him a very clear lesson: he can emotionally cheat, lie, get exposed, cry, and you’ll still stay. So he will do it again. Not because he hates you, but because he doesn’t fear losing you.

[Member]

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