[filmbuff87]

So my girlfriend and I (I’m 25, she’s 20) have been going out for going on 10 months. Officially (i.e. facebook, etc) only six months, but we retroactively counted the first three and a half months. I recently told her that I loved her, and this was what she said in a nutshell.

“You’re the best thing in my life, you’re my best friend, I care about you a lot, and I have strong feelings for you, but I don’t want to fall in love, not now or for the forseeable future.”
“I don’t want to date anyone else, but I want you to be happy.”

In response I told her that I didn’t need to hear it back, that even though I love her, I’m not exactly looking for a future spouse right now or in the forseeable future either. My proposal was “if we both have strong feelings for each other (even if mine are stronger), why don’t we enjoy this while it lasts?” She’s not looking for love, I’m not looking for a wife, so we wouldn’t be denying each other anything more than what we have for the time being.

My question is…does she actually not love me? Or is she just afraid to say it/admit it to herself?

Some background:
She’s a very kind, giving person (lots of charity work), is very close to her family, not at all into casual dating or partying/sleeping around (she’s a virgin). Her last serious relationship ended 3 years ago, but it ended badly (he cheated on her). Her parents divorced when she was in middle school. She’s said before that her fear of serious relationships is not due to insecurity, but simply due to her pessimism. On the other hand, this is the same girl that got choked up at her sister’s wedding that she brought me too, and enjoys a good romantic comedy every now and then…so she’s not completely cynical.

We’re meeting tomorrow to figure things out. Because we both enjoy each other’s company, and because neither of us want or need anything more, I would rather us stay together until we’re forced to break up. Right now I don’t feel like we have to. We can live in the moment, without any pressure, expectations (or even labels), and as long as we’re good to each other I don’t see the problem in continuing what we have.

She said that she’s almost certain she won’t ever be able to say “i love you” back to me, but she was adamant that it had nothing to do with me, my looks, or my personality, and everything to do with her belief that “I don’t want to be in love.” She compared her one experience with love to when she ate curry. “I tried it, didn’t like it, and I don’t want to try it again.”

As you can see, I’m getting conflicting signals. She calls me the best thing in her life and everything else, says she doesn’t want to date anyone else, but that she doesn’t love me and probably won’t ever, and it’s because she’s doesn’t want it. Not with me or anyone else.

What should I do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She’s being very clear with you that her background has made it impossible for her to say “I love you” with any ease — but, you’re trying to figure out if she loves you or not. 😕 This doesn’t seem like it’s going to go anywhere good.

If you want someone who’s going to fall in love easily and be effusive with her affection, this woman isn’t for you. But if you’re just enjoying being with her, and aren’t serious about getting serious, then see where this goes and enjoy it until you don’t. She’s been clear with you that she’s not looking for love — and she’s probably not going to give you that love, either, as long as she isn’t looking for it in return.

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[filmbuff87]

Update on my situation:

We met yesterday and I told her “as long as you’re not looking to settle down, I’m not looking to settle down, and neither of us want to break up, why not stay together and see what happens, without the pressure of expectation?” It took her a while to decide because, for whatever reason, she sees only one inevitable conclusion, but she agreed to trust me (I told her that I know what I’m getting myself into, and that if it turns out one or the both of us feel differently i.e. our feelings diminish later on, we’ll be informed and ready for it).

She said “I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t what I wanted” in reference to us staying together, as well as “I don’t want to break up” and “I don’t want to date anyone else.” Couple hours later, after our decision to stay together, we were having a random conversation about the movie posters on her wall (I told her each one represented a part of her personality) and when it came to a poster for the romantic drama “Like Crazy,” she called herself “a bit of a hopeless romantic.”

I don’t regret telling her that we should stay together at all, but I am still trying to understand her views on love.

“I’m a bit of a hopeless romantic” doesn’t gel with everything she told me the other night about her being a pessimist and her not wanting to be in love. Which is it? She’s an optimist when it comes to most other things, she’s very giving (to me too…she’s a great girlfriend, which is why I chose not to end it), she’s the type of girl who gets choked up at her sister’s wedding and will watch a good (it cant be cheesy) romantic comedy when they come around.

With everything that I told you in the first post, and now this, what do you think?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’re overanalyzing things. 😳 Don’t worry so much about what she thinks and try to just enjoy the relationship! You’ve both agreed to stay together in spite of your opposite views. Now, don’t look for more problems. 😉

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