[Anonymous]

Dear April,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years. I am 36 and he is 32. We have lived together for about eight months of that time. Recently, I have brought up the issue of marriage with him. I wasn’t looking to get married right away, but just wanted to start discussing when it would happen. I assumed too much, because I found out that he is “not ready for marriage yet” and “doesn’t know when or if he ever will be.” He won’t say “We’ll get married but I need time,” because I think he feels that he would be giving me a promise he isn’t ready to give. Of course, I was devastated. I knew he wasn’t sure about having kids, and I feel the same. I had no idea that he felt this way about marriage, though.

To make it worse, getting him to talk about it is like pulling teeth. His reasons are that he simply isn’t ready and he is afraid the marriage will fail. He has quite a history in his family with divorce. His father is on his third marriage and it’s not a happy one, his mother is alone after two divorces. My boyfriend himself is divorced. He got married in Vegas and the marriage lasted less than two years. He is pretty scared of having another failed marriage.

Until this issue came up, our relationship was very solid, happy, and healthy. We can communicate well and we are supportive of each other. I feel that he truly loves me and he isn’t a player, or anything like that. This almost makes it worse. If he were a bad boyfriend, my decision would be easy. I would simply leave. But I really love this man and don’t want to lose him. However, the idea of not getting married rocks me to my core.

For me, marriage is saying to the world, we belong to each other. We will put each other first and tackle problems together in life. Now that dream is shattered for me. Though he isn’t saying he doesn’t ever want to marry, I suspect that if I never brought it up, he would have gone on happily with me without ever planning to propose.

I feel that I am caught between a rock and a hard place. We have almost broken up, but decided to stay together for a while at least. He is taking a vacation to visit his family for 3 weeks (we live overseas) and then a few weeks later, I am going to take a vacation for 3 weeks to visit mine. We are going to use the time to think about our situation and come up with a definitive answer afterward. I realize that either he has to give in or I do, or we break up. I know I have to decide if I can live a life with him knowing we may never marry.

Any advice you can give me would be appreciated.

[Ask April Masini]

Wow. 😯 You may [i]think[/i] you two communicate well, but if you’ve been dating for two years and living together for eight months and you [b]JUST FOUND OUT[/b] that he doesn’t want to get married, I don’t think your communication is anywhere [i]NEAR [/i]what [u]you[/u] think it is. 😕 Yikes.

I think that when he comes back from his three weeks away from you, and if he doesn’t propose marriage, it’s time for you to move on. If your goal is to marry and have children, and he doesn’t share your goal, you have to decide if your goal is a good one for you or not. If marriage is really what you want, and you do happen to be 36, it’s time to step up your game. Sadly, it’s time for you to move on.

So unless he’s down on one knee anytime soon, you should DEFINITELY buy — [i]AND READ!! [/i]— my book written for women who want to find Mr. Right, get him and keep him. 🙂 It’s called Think & Date Like A Man, and you can download it here: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. I really hope you’ll read it.

And I wish you good luck. I know you’re disappointed, but you really have to be proactive about what you want for yourself.

Come check out my Facebook group page, AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. It’s free to become a member! 😀

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