[Confused818]

I’m a pretty good read on people in general. I pride myself in this however I have finally stumbled upon the man that might possibly have stumped me.
We have been dating for over a year. I am getting to the age where time is an issue for the things I want. From the beginning it was clear that he is a workaholic and a little emotionally unavailable. I took the plunge anyway because I was having fun. Fun led to a monogamous relationship. However, I just wasn’t getting what I needed. He’s very open about his respect for me and how he feels of me as a person but never tells me how he personally feels about me or “us”. The L word has never been spoken. I have met business connections for work meetings but never any family. He never prioritizes me in his life for anything or events. We stopped seeing one another because I wasn’t getting what I needed. We ended up back together. I once got a venerable answer from him that “he just doesn’t feel he is worthy of good things”
He hasn’t met my daughter but always makes sure to ask about her and even got me a hard to get gift for her.
He doesn’t fall into the “player” category because I know there is nobody else. I’m an FBI agent in that way and also don’t ignore things.
He slowly gets closer, cuddling through the night, softer kisses in more emotional places ie: forehead. Texting more. Scheduling more. Then he pulls away. It’s a game of tug a war. I am not a nagger. I am busy myself.
I guess my question is; is this a time game or am I waiting for something that will never be?

[AskApril Masini]

You’re a smart person — you’ve got a good handle on this guy, and you’ve described him really clearly. But you haven’t really said what it is you want. You said your needs aren’t being met — but what are they? It will help you to be super clear about what it is you want, so you can get it. If you’re not clear on your goals, you’re going to be fuzzy on how to get what you want.

After dating for a year and a half, this 42 year old workaholic who is monogamous, hasn’t introduced you to his friends or family or said the L word or met your daughter. You’ve described him as emotionally unavailable…. so the ball’s really in your court. You know who he is and what to expect from him. If you stay, expect more of the same.

[Sally]

It’s that slow, confusing kind of heartbreak where nothing is bad enough to walk away, but nothing is good enough to stay with peace, either. And honestly, a man can respect you, enjoy you, and still never let you all the way in. That’s what you’re dealing with here.
The way he moves toward you the cuddling, the forehead kisses, the small signs of softness that’s real. But the way he pulls back every time it starts to feel emotional? That’s real too. Men who think they’re “not worthy of good things” don’t usually break that belief because someone loves them hard enough. They break it when they are ready, and that can take years.
You’re not asking for too much. You’re asking for partnership. And he’s giving you comfort but not a future.
If time matters to you, then yeah… you might be waiting for something he doesn’t know how to give. And that’s the quiet truth people don’t like to say out loud.

[Tara]

Here’s the truth you keep dodging: this man is not “complex,” “damaged,” or “misunderstood.” He is unavailable by choice, and you are auditioning for a role that does not exist.

You think you’ve been stumped because you’re smart and perceptive. No. You’re stumped because your ego doesn’t want to accept that a man can like you, enjoy you, respect you, and still not choose you. Those things are not the same, and you’re clinging to the wrong ones.

A year in and no “I love you.” No family. No priority. No future language. No integration into his real life. Those aren’t oversights, they’re boundaries. Very deliberate ones. He gives you just enough softness to keep you hopeful and just enough distance to keep himself free. That tug-of-war you feel? That’s not chemistry. That’s emotional rationing.

The “I don’t feel worthy of good things” line is not vulnerability. It’s a shield. It conveniently absolves him from having to show up while making you feel patient, compassionate, and special for staying. Meanwhile, nothing actually changes. Ever.

And let’s be very clear about your daughter: asking about her and buying a gift is easy. Meeting her would mean accountability. He avoids that for a reason.
You’re not waiting on time. You’re waiting on a personality transplant. This is not a slow burn; it’s a controlled stall. He inches forward when he feels you slipping, then retreats the moment things risk depth. That’s not fear of love. That’s fear of obligation.

[Member]

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