[braveheart101]

Long story short.. I really need advice!
I fell in love with my best friend, we dated for two years before I left for college. Long distance didn’t work for us, we broke up on mutual terms. We still retained our friendship during my time away. 3 1/2 years later I return home due to finical issues. We instantly jumped back into relationship mode, we began dating for a few weeks. Over the weekend we had a heated discussion. He told me about a child he conceived while I was gone. At first I was laughing because I believed it was just a joke. We always mess with each other so I never thought this conversation would turn into a huge fight. I was upset, stormed out of the room and told him to leave me alone. I was yelling not to touch me or apologize the shock of everything broke my heart.
Here are the details. while I was gone he went back to his home country and conceived a child with a ex girlfriend 3 years ago. To my understanding this happened right after I left and he didn’t tell me until now. his daughter lives with the mother at some point he wants to bring the child to the states. my entire mind turned to mush, he kept this secret for years and didn’t tell me until we began exploring our relationship again. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much but I hate the fact he didn’t care to tell me . please help I don’t know what to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re upset. 😳

I think your emotions and the shock of the news are keeping you from thinking straight. I can help you. 😉

Your boyfriend had a baby with another woman while the two of you were not dating. He didn’t tell you about it because he probably knew it would upset you and he may have felt that you would have moved on if you knew. Now, the things he was avoiding are in front of him, and he’s probably hoping that because you’re now dating again, you may not move on because you’re more connected than you were when you were not dating and out of town. So the two issues for you are: 1) If he withheld information that might have caused you to make a different decision about dating him, he wasn’t looking out for your best interests and was trying to withhold information to get you to date him. Of course, this makes you wonder about what else he’d do that is like this, in the future, as well as in the past. 2) The question you have to answer is, if you did know that he had a child with another woman while the two of you weren’t dating, and it was completely over between them, would you still have dated him, knowing he had a child? If you can answer that question, you’ll have a lot of clarity. I know it may be difficult for you, but answering it will help you.

If you simply don’t want to date a single parent, that’s fair, and you should move on. If his being a single parent isn’t the problem here, and the fact that he withheld information, that’s fair too, and it’s something you have to decide if you can move past or not.

I hope that helps.

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[braveheart101]

Thank you for helping me sort through my feelings. But I have puzzling information about a possible future with him
The mother lives in another country with the child. He wants to bring the child to the states one day but here’s the situation. In order for the child to live with him, the mother must marry the father to file immigration papers. I would never come in between his chances of having his child here. I don’t know which direction to take. Its a possibility ill have to give him up at some point in our relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you have some complicated legal concerns, and my advice is that the two of you, together, meet with an attorney for a consultation so you can get some more information from a professional. You can call the local Bar Association and ask how to get a free or cheap referral to an attorney who specializes in this type of matter. Even if you have to pay an hourly rate for a good attorney to advise you, it’s worth the money to get the facts so you can make decisions that will be based on truth, not just conjecture. 😉

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