[BenDamage]

So, I’ve been dating a married woman, who was in an open relationship, for 4 years. She recently broke it off because she felt like my depression problems were getting in the way of our relationship and pushing her needs and desires into the backseat for the past 6 months, also she says we have two different mindsets atm, I’m 26 and she’s 37 with two kids. She owns her own therapy business while I am a bartender and I also work a second job. We agreed to be FWB, but only saw each other once within 2 weeks, then she texted me that she was talking to someone new and might get serious with them. We argued, and she told me the way I was handling it only confirmed her feelings for the break up. She ignored me for 3 weeks, then finally got in contact after I tried to call her. She said that she has moved on and can only be friends because she has since started seeing the guy who asked her out and they’re in a monogamous relationship (and made it a point to let me know they see each other often and he cooks and does the lawn) AND she has separated from her husband. She currently doesn’t want to see me because she’s juggling her busy schedule and her kids and is in ‘self-preservation’ mode and she’s not in love with me anymore. She said that she does want me in her life still, though. I’ve only been talking with her for a week since reestablishing contact and the messages seem very indifferent and short, like I was never a lover but just someone she knew.. But we used to be so close with one another. Is there even the slightest chance in hell for me?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Four years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone, and I understand how upsetting this breakup is for you. But here’s the thing. She was 33, married with kids and had a career as a therapist when she started this open relationship with you at age 22. Now, four years later, she doesn’t feel a commitment to you when you’re going through some depression, so she’s moving on. She has always been very independent and while this probably hurts, it’s not unexpected. She’s about taking care of her own needs, not committing to a relationship that has give and take or sacrifice and generosity. That’s not bad — it just is.

You may already know this, but if you don’t, it’s good to really try and process so you can decide if you really want [i]her[/i] back, or you want a relationship with someone who is committed to you. If you want her back, then understand she’s looking for someone who’s young, carefree and not an emotional pull on her energy. We all go through ups and downs — she isn’t looking for that. If you want a commitment and someone who’s there for better or for worse, look elsewhere. The irony in this is that you were probably depressed because you weren’t getting a commitment from her…. this breakup may be a door opening for you to find what you really need, elsewhere.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[BenDamage]

I know what we had was special and genuine. We used to be so close, talking to each other every day. She would send me love letters via text and love songs. We were very passionate for one another. She took me to Disney World for my very first time when I was 22, then back again just this last March. She got a tattoo of a Phoenix with fire underneath its wings to symbolize that I, a fire sign, were the flames beneath her wings. Hell, she even bought a couch for her office just for the fact that it was called my last name. I don’t believe that someone could just come in, enrich your life and show you all the love and affection you had never received before, just to throw it all away in an instant.

I know exactly what I did wrong in the last few months of our relationship. I was constantly being a downer because I had gained a lot of weight and I wasn’t the handsome confident man she met any more. I was also drinking heavily which factored into my mood as well, and letting my insecurities get the better of me by letting people’s opinions bother me. I used her for emotional support and I never thought to ask her about what was going on in her life; the drama she was having to deal with. It was always my problems. I took her for granted because I thought she’d always be there. I didn’t do the things a good boyfriend should do and let her know she was appreciated every single day I saw her or talked to her. If I ever get a second chance I will never make that same mistake again. I can recognize my flaws and my shortcomings and I’ve began to change them.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. Gaining weight, drinking a lot, losing confidence and becoming moody are all downers for any romance. That you understand that you didn’t treat her like a good boyfriend is everything. The breakup didn’t happen in a second, and she didn’t throw it all away in a flash. She didn’t like who she was dating any more, and I think you understand what it was that you did — and how you can do better next time, whether it’s with her or someone else. 😉 It’s wonderful that you realize all this, and now, you just have to walk the walk because you’re talking the talk. 🙂

[Sally]

I’m gonna be honest with you, because you deserve that. It doesn’t sound like there’s a real chance here. She didn’t just end the relationship she moved forward fast, chose someone else, changed her life structure, and emotionally stepped away from you. The short, indifferent messages are the clearest sign. That’s distance, not confusion.

Wanting to stay “friends” is usually about easing guilt, not keeping a door open. Especially when she’s spelling out how happy and settled she is with him. That part was unnecessary, and yeah, it stings.

This isn’t a reflection of your worth or your depression making you unlovable. It’s about timing, power imbalance, and her already being emotionally halfway out.
Right now, the kindest thing you can do for yourself is step back completely. No contact. Let the wound close. Chasing hope here will only keep you stuck.

[Tara]

There is zero chance. None. Not a crack. Not a “maybe later.” It’s over, buried, and she already moved on while you were still hoping.
You were a convenient emotional and physical outlet during her open marriage, not a long-term priority. The moment you became inconvenient, depressed, struggling, or not aligned with her life, she cut you loose and upgraded. The younger you was fun. Older her wants stability, structure, and someone who fits neatly into her next chapter. You don’t.

Read her actions, not your fantasies. She replaced you, went monogamous, separated from her husband, and deliberately listed how this new guy performs domestic husband duties. That wasn’t information, that was a message. She was closing the door and making sure you heard it lock.

Her “I still want you in my life” line is selfish cleanup, not affection. It means she wants access without responsibility, history without intimacy, and your emotional availability without giving anything back. The cold, indifferent texts are exactly how someone talks to a chapter they’ve already finished.

Your age gap, life stage gap, mental health gap, and power gap were always working against you. She’s 37 with kids and a business. You’re 26, grinding jobs, and emotionally attached to a woman who has already reorganized her entire life without you in it. That’s not bad luck that’sa mismatch.

[Member]

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