[Patience21]

My story:
I met this beautiful woman a year and half ago. We got very serious very quickly within couple weeks of meeting… No marriage talk or anything just understood each other’s lives and physical attraction and chemistry was amazing. We both had been divorced twice we both have children. I’m 38 with 2 girls 13 and 16, 16 year old I adopted from first marriage. She is 34 has a 14 10 and a 2 year old which was (9 months old when we met) boys. All with different fathers that do not help her at all..
1 month into our relationship we were pregnant.. We decided to abort the child since it was so soon 3-4 weeks… This did cause stress.. Month after she panicked and disappeared for a week… She contacted me back we went back and forth for a week or so and talked things out.. She is from very abusive relationships all three of them mostly mentally abusive one physically abusive and the last one which she has the little one with became physically abusive at the end, but she loved him. Her relationship with her parents weren’t good growing up kicked out at 16. Dad left when she was 2, currently back in her life about the last 6 years but not close to till about last couple years.. She has to take care of him a lot but loves him. Her mom never grew up and always causes drama in her life.
So to brief things up.. After we got back together the first time everything was awesome for a year on the dot.. Then she relapse into a freak out again saying she wasn’t good enough for me and our life styles we to different and she went into a depression mode thinking she wasn’t living her life the way she wanted to be said she wanted to be free!!… She does have a lot of male friends, and one of them started contacting her more often… I knew what was gonna happen, this friend was also a friend of her last ex. We eventually broke up she left ran away.. Didn’t hear from her for about 2 months.. I had her cat and things at my house in that time frame..
I messaged her on the day of her oldest birthday because I still care about them very much love her still… Wondering how she was doing.. She responded..
Next couple weeks light texting she had been going through a lot of things drinking a lot and made some bad choices… She finally got another place after couples weeks of talking and came over got her things.. She began to message more and started calling every day… The last 4 months that’s the way it has been she’s very emotional now and has let me into her life telling me all kinds of things intimate things.. Confiding in her family and kido problems because I know her back ground…
The last couple weeks I could feel she may have someone in her life.. I told her I didn’t think I could handle the relationship if I knew she was with someone else, and she said she would be torn apart with out me in her life… I want to be there for her and her children because I love them all and we have a very special connection with each other and help eachother through a lot of things..
My question I know she’s not ready for a relationship I know she’s seeing someone right now… I feel like she is my best friend and i still love her.. Should I just continue being there for her and put aside my feelings she is seeing someone now? Continue to build our relationship.. Even if we don’t get back together romantically? Could things like this turn back into a romantic relationship? Or the way she is will she just keep running away from the good things and real love? Also, she has been calling lately and crying which she rarely does… It’s been about 5 times now the last month and a half couple things she says is she’s confused about every thing, she feels depressed, she feels angry, and another time she just wants the hurt to go away.. From her relationship before me…
Any help would be appreciated.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This woman doesn’t know how to take care of herself. 🙁 It’s just a fact, not a judgment. She’s 34 and has been divorced twice, has three children with three different men — none of whom pay child support — and she got pregnant with you during the first month you dated. 😕 She’s also taking care of her father, has a history of being abused, and a problem with boundaries. She’s not your friend — she’s someone you dated and are still romantically interested in. And she’s got a lot of men in her life, which you don’t like.

My advice is to focus on your life. You’re a single father of two teenage daughters. It’s very important that you take care of them, and not introduce drama into their lives, while also setting a good example for dating and relationships — especially because of their dating ages. All this points to you choosing someone who is more appropriate and healthy to date. If you’re going to date, as a single parent, you have to put your kids first. Consider if the woman you’re bringing into their lives is someone who is going to be healthy and happy. And if she isn’t, then move on. And use birth control if you don’t want any more kids.

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[Patience21]

Hi
Thank you for the reply… I do understand that my children come first, and I don’t bring any of her drama into our life. They’re real mother does plenty of that.. One thing I didn’t mention is that she gets child support from 2 of the fathers, what I ment by no help is they have nothing to do with the boys at all.. The 2 oldest boys don’t ever see there fathers and the youngest sees his week on week off.. She works full time construction very hard work, and has never asked me for anything she has always done it on her own which I admire her for it… She has her oldest son in counseling right now for depression, and a couple weeks ago he tried to take a bunch of ibuprofen pills to hurt him self… As far as her father goes what I meant by taking care of him is being there for him he doesn’t have much and he’s taking care of 2 of his kids and 2 of there babies… And he is in bad health..

So my question to you, every man in her life so far has basically abandoned her.. Instead of getting to know her, and taking the time to understand her.. I have the patience, love and desire to do so… Are you saying I should just give up because there is no hope? Not be there for her because, she will never change? I’m very confused… How do I go about doing so, if I have so much feeling for her and her boys??.. Do situations like this ever change?? I know she will always be somewhat broken and I accept that I just want to be by her side while she tries and heal herself… I don’t want to be just another man in her life that just abandoned her when she needs someone… Is she possibly testing me?? Or am I just being hopeful about the whole situation and if so how should I go about ending it? I acctually have tried 2 times in the last 4 months to just walk away and she panics…
Also I did get a vasectomy after the first incident…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]So my question to you, every man in her life so far has basically abandoned her.. Instead of getting to know her, and taking the time to understand her.. I have the patience, love and desire to do so… Are you saying I should just give up because there is no hope? [/quote]

She’s not a science project. She’s a woman, and you’re talking about dating her — but you keep lapsing into “nurse mode” as if you should be rescuing her. 😕 It’s good to have compassion for people, but it’s not good when you think you can save someone when you don’t have the tools to do so. The scope of her issues are way bigger than this relationship she’s had with you. And you can’t “fix” her. She has to do the hard work, herself.

As for you, I think you have to look at the situation differently. 😉 Because you’re a single father, and because you said that your first wife gives your daughters enough drama as it is — the last thing you should want is more drama in your life, and you should consider that you may be drawn to these types of dramatic women because of something in you. The bottom line with her drama is that it will spill into your daughters’ lives, eventually. Everything you write about this woman, including her breaking up with you because she “wants to be free” and the two of you having lifestyles that are too different, and her making what you describe as poor choices, makes it seem like she’d be a not so great choice as a love interest for you.

[quote]Not be there for her because, she will never change?[/quote]

I think you may be spreading yourself thin, since you say that there is drama in your life with your ex-wife and your children together…

[quote]How do I go about doing so, if I have so much feeling for her and her boys??[/quote]

By focusing on your own children and your own life.

[quote]Do situations like this ever change??[/quote]

Things do change — but it doesn’t sound like she’s interested in a lot of change right now. She may be at some point down the line, however….

[quote]I know she will always be somewhat broken and I accept that I just want to be by her side while she tries and heal herself… I don’t want to be just another man in her life that just abandoned her when she needs someone…Is she possibly testing me?? [/quote]

I’m not sure what you think she’s testing…?

[quote]Or am I just being hopeful about the whole situation and if so how should I go about ending it?[/quote]

If you decide to break up with her, just tell her that this isn’t going to work out the way you had hoped, and she’s awesome and you’re grateful for the good times you had together. And then move on.

[quote] I acctually have tried 2 times in the last 4 months to just walk away and she panics…[/quote]

That’s not surprising. But it’s not a reason to stay in a relationship or to enable behavior that isn’t healthy for her. 😉

[quote]Also I did get a vasectomy after the first incident…[/quote]

Smart! 😉

I don’t think that this is going to be a healthy or happy relationship, but it sounds like you’re not done with her. And if you have to figure it out in you own time, that’s fine — just re-read these posts when you need them.

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[Patience21]

Thank you for your advise I apperiat it very much…
On a a note, I’m seeing her or we are not together we are just friends at this point… Since 4 months ago.. I just was needing the advise on how to be there for her and if I should or not… I know I can’t fix her problems but, you can be there for people if you care for them… Me backing away was from the freindship not as a couple.. And she panics… You are right about me wanting a relationship with her I would Be interested in a romantic relationship with her… And that’s my confusion, if situations like this will change in time… As far as the testing me goes , just wondering if she is testing me to see if I will leave her and not be there for her like everyone else in her life…
I know hearing this story and your advise is probably what is best… But knowing what I know about her, putting her issues aside she is everything I want in a woman… You say I may be drawn to the issues from inside me… If I choose to stay by her side would you have any advise for me to be there for someone like her? I know it’s against your advise.. From a friend to a friend being there for her?
Thank you for your time…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]If I choose to stay by her side would you have any advise for me to be there for someone like her? I know it’s against your advise.. From a friend to a friend being there for her?[/quote]

I think you’re asking an impossible question. I appreciate that you don’t want to take my advice — that’s fine. But I think you’re now wanting me to condone what I said is a bad idea. 😕 Bottom line: Since you’re not dating her, you should move on. It’s unrealistic to say she’s an amazing woman except for “her issues”. They’re inseparable. Enabling someone doesn’t help them, and that’s what you want me to say is okay and give you advice on how to do that. Can’t do it! What you want to do isn’t for her — it’s for you, and it has more to do with you feeling good about yourself than it does about really helping her.

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[Patience21]

Ok…
Maybe I’m the one who needs the help more.. I wish relationships weren’t so hard…8(

Thank you very much for you time and advise!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. I’m here if you have any more questions. 🙂

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