[Anonymous]

Dear April,

There are some problems which I need to clarify and seek help on the relationship with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for about 3 years and he did make plans to marry me in roughly 5 years time. At the start of the relationship, it was a very bumpy ride for the both of us, littered with quarrels and arguments. There were many instances whereby we nearly ended this relationship but clearly, we still adored each other and stayed together in the end.
He is a very loving and affectionate guy in the beginning, holding my hands wherever we are and never letting them go. Putting his arms around me and holding me close to him. That might just be the effects of what people normally would call the “honeymoon” stage of the relationship. Now after 3 years, things between us are still sweet but definitely not as sweet as the past. Now, he tells me that occasionally he would want his own space and hence might not want to hold my hand as much. He also added that it’s not because he doesn’t love me but because he wants to feel close to me even without physical contact of any kind, and still being able to enjoy my company etc. I don’t know but I feel he’s displaying behaviors of inconsistencies. How can he tell me after 3 years that he would like his own space and might not want to hold on to me as much as before? I feel really upset and disappointed because of this. Perhaps a few years later, he might tell me he doesn’t want my company as much..
He’s in the university now and have plenty of friends and even a female friend whom he always tells me about. He’s extremely busy and we only spend about 3hours together each week. Despite his efforts of trying to make time for me, I feel there’s a wall between us now. I feel tired and insecure, I don’t feel safe to hang on to this relationship anymore because of his inconsistencies. April, what should I do? 🙁

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When you wrote, “he made plans to marry me,” does that mean he proposed to you? Were you involved in those plans? Also, how old are you both?

What you’re describing — his saying he needs space from holding hands — doesn’t sound on it’s own like a warning light. However, I suspect there is more you’re not telling me. Trust your instincts. There is no reason to give someone a five year commitment to make a lifelong commitment! 😕

I don’t think he’s displaying inconsistencies. I think he’s showing you who he’s becoming. He may not be someone who wants public affection all the time, and it’s normal for relationships to go through ups and downs.

I can’t tell if you’re making something out of nothing or if you just haven’t described everything that’s going on, but from what you’re telling me, I don’t see a reason for your fear.

Tell me more….

And join me on Facebook, too. Here’s the link for AskApril.com on Facebook: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

Hi April,

Thank you for your reply 🙂 We are 22 years old and when I said he “made plans to marry me”, it meant that he stated out a plan whereby after he graduates, he’ll work for 2-3 years and save up as much as he can so he can buy us a house and give me the dream wedding that I’ve always wanted.

I might be a little oversensitive (because I tend to be so) and an extremely insecure person. I’m afraid that if I let my guards down I’ll get hurt (just like what happened to my previous relationship, I let my guard down totally but I got very hurt in the end, it was a traumatic experience). As a result, I’ve become kinda paranoid, suspicious and always reading too much into things. I feel very tired and lethargic cause of such behaviours 🙁 And at times I feel very bad because my boyfriend seemed very positive about our relationship and I did ask him why doesn’t he seem to worry that I might like someone else or things like that. He said he believed in himself, and so that means he believes in me too and has faith in me and our relationship. Sometimes I really envy his positive attitude. Before we got together as a couple, I’m the very cheerful and bubbly girl and my boyfriend loves my smiles. But now, I’ve become rather negative and constantly wondering when he’ll have a change of heart, hence giving myself unnecessary panic attacks.

I feel ashamed of myself because I tried telling my boyfriend about these concerns and he assured me time and again, with patience that I have to be positive and have faith and trust in him. I would really love to trust him but there seems to be this prick in my heart that prevents me from doing so. I just want to protect myself as much as I can. Sometimes I feel so bad about myself that I told my boyfriend he should leave me & find someone better because I can’t give him the kind of happiness he desires and he has many friends & lots of activities in which he can derive his happiness from, he doesn’t need me. And again, he told me he only loves me and only I can give him the type of happiness that other people and things can’t. April, I’m feeling so bad about myself that I feel tortured by it and to some extent, I may even need to seek therapy. 😥

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Whether or not he’s a great guy, he’s not ready to give you the commitment you want right now. Your instincts are telling you you’re going to lose him because he’s pulling away from you after three years of dating and no engagement ring or wedding date. I know you’re trying to convince yourself that everything is going to be alright, but you’re a nervous wreck because deep in your heart, you don’t believe this is going to work out. That’s why you feel fear and helplessness. 🙁

You’re not going to change him. You’ve already tried, and that only made you feel worse. However, you can change yourself. Here are the tough decision you have to make:

1. Decide what you want, and if it’s to get married to Mr. Right, commit to that decision.

2. Don’t waste your time with anyone who is not Mr. Right.

3. Read Think & Date Like A Man, so you understand how to attract, get and keep Mr. Right. Here’s the link to buy the book. It’s $15.95 a lot cheaper and more effective than any psychologist you’re going to hire. [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]

4. A guy who is ready for a serious and committed relationship will act like he’s ready for a serious and committed relationship. Your guy is not acting like he’s ready for the kind of relationship you want.

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes and read the book. Also, please join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

[Member]

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