[fitnclean]

April:
Lately I’ve been reevaluating my relationship of 2.5 years as I don’t feel I’m being treated with respect at times. I am also now on the “gold-digger” lookout. My business just scored big time and I’m careful who I tell because people already want stuff from me. I’m haven’t shared the extent of my success with my girlfriend as I don’t want her decisions to stay with me based on this — especially with what I’ve seen lately.

So my girlfriend’s sister is in town and I offered to take them out to eat. We finish eating and realize we can only park for a minimum of two hours at the meter located a half a block away. Her sister offers to move the car so that we don’t get a ticket. I replied that I would ask for the check. When the check comes, it is a completely screwed up. I tell her sister to just check the car to see if the parking enforcement put chalk on the tires and if so to just move the car “in and out” of the spot.

After I let the waiter know about the mistakes on the check, my girlfriend says something like “we will go wait in the car and can just pick you up on the block outside”. I was pretty shocked and just said “ok.” My shocked turned in to being pissed when neither even said thanks before walking away! (My girlfriend, then her sister, did say thanks about 2 minutes into the car ride home)

I appreciate her sister’s offer to move the car, but I sure felt like a douche bag that my girlfriend didn’t stay with me and just wait for me to pay. Her sister is an adult and was the one that offered to move the car.

Thoughts on this?

I only ask because a couple weeks ago, her old friend of family was in town. One night, she ranted for a half hour about how her brother was trying to dump this guy on her because the guy [10 years ago] was so boring and cheap. She wanted nothing to do with this guy. Well, turns out his business is successful now. Once he offered to pay the bills (talking $50+/plate), she never turned him down for dinner the entire week — in fact, she invited him out to the restaurants of her choice just so he could pay.

I see how she (and her brother) treated this family friend and it disgusts me. I’ve already told her this and told her not to waste my time complaining about something and then turning around on her word two days later. More so, I think about how I selected a very nice restaurant that fit all our dining palates because I don’t eat seafood. She then had the nerve to say “What about XYZ Restaurant?” XYZ being a raw fish restaurant, costing twice as much, with one item on the menu that I eat. I said “no thanks but look at the menu of my place as it should have something for us all”, but in reality, why did I need to take her here when she just suckered her family friend into going here two weeks ago? Plus, I took her there a month ago and she knows they only have one thing for me on their menu.

I am feeling a bit like I may be getting used already. April — Your expert thoughts?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure if you’re angry at your girlfriend for leaving you alone at the restaurant so she could accompany her sister to move your car or if you’re angry because she didn’t thank you for dinner soon enough. In this instance, I think you’re overreacting. It’s actually better manners not to leave a woman alone than it is to leave a man alone — and it sounds like you weren’t left alone for long, and your girlfriend’s sister was doing you a favor by moving your car so you wouldn’t get a ticket. You may be angry at your girlfriend for other reasons, but I don’t think that this instance you described really warrants a lot of your attention or energy. 😉

What is of concern is that your girlfriend appears to be taking advantage of an old family friend who is just a meal ticket, in your eyes. If she’s using him, then chances are, she’s going to use other people, too. However, he may not be boring any more, and if he’s enjoying her company, and she’s enjoying his company, and he wants to willingly take her out to restaurants, then the only problem is that he might be competition for you — [i]if[/i] you want her. 😉

As for your own newly found good fortune 😀 , you have the right and responsibility to say no, and to not feel duped into doing or spending where you don’t want to. Just because she suggests a restaurant, doesn’t mean you have to agree to it. In fact, it sounds like you handled the raw fish restaurant suggestion she made beautifully — but the problem is that you’re stewing over her suggestion. If she went along with your boundaries, and had a nice time with you at the other restaurant you took her to, then the only problem is that she made a suggestion in her interests. But to be fair, since you already took her there, it wasn’t like she was suggesting you go somewhere she knew you’d hate. You actually did have a nice time together there, even though there was only one item on the menu for you. Unless you complained about it, there’s no reason for her to think you wouldn’t want to go there again.

An alternative response for you might have been, “I know you love that place, and I’m really happy when you’re happy — but it’s not a great choice for me. Are you okay if we go here, instead?” What you did instead was to hold a lot of anger inside — even though what transpired was civilized.

The reason people hold onto anger is because they’re not doing what they want to be doing and they’re mad at themselves. If after two years of dating her, your making a lot of money suddenly has changed things, consider that she was the same person before you had money as she is after you had money — but you’re not. 😉 It sounds like you’re anxious about the money and you want to hold onto it because you’re not sure if it’s going to stay — or be spent and gone. When you feel more comfortable with your new status as a wealthier person, and have a plan for your spending and saving, you won’t feel that she can take it away from you. Then, she won’t be a threat.

However, if she’s someone you never really trusted — or who you’re just realizing is someone you can’t trust, then truly, it’s best to move on. 😉

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[fitnclean]

Wow, thank you for the in depth and huge reply April.

I’m not concerned about competition from the family friend at all. 😉

I suppose the reason her leaving the restaurant bothered me for two reasons… 1) I was insecure already over being used (see the next reason) and I don’t speak their native tongue so I am also unaware of their conversations at time, such as the one they had before they both left.

But reason 2 is because in actuality — I didn’t offer originally to take them out to eat. I have limited clothing at my girlfriend’s and she rarely washes my clothes so it’s normally all dirty. Her sister ended up washing them for me and then my girlfriend tells me this and says I have to take her and her sister out for dinner in return for the laundry washing.

I was already planning on taking them out for the holidays and sharing the wealth, but within 3 minutes of seeing her sister, my girlfriend says in front of her sister that her sister did my laundry and now I must take them both out sometime — rather than me being able to offer. I’m a gentleman and I appreciate her sister doing my laundry (hell, my girl rarely does it) so I would have definitely offered her sister something in kind.

When we arrived to my suggested restaurant, it was packed as they don’t take reservations and my girlfriend just complained about how I should learn to eat fish and goto the other place. I suggested the place across the street that was new and we did have a great time there.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you went along with something you didn’t want to go along with and you’re angry at yourself for doing so. 😳 And it sounds like your girlfriend’s sister was very nice to you by washing your clothes and moving your car, and your girlfriend went along with your restaurant choice, but when it didn’t work out, you went along with hers. It really doesn’t sound like she’s being a gold digger in this case. However, you will feel a lot more at ease if you know your mind and stick to it, and then when you don’t stick to it, let it go as part of the process, and learn from what you did that was uncomfortable for you so you can change that behavior next time. 😉

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