[buffyo78]

I have had a hysterectomy and I’m insecure about my body. Between these 2 things I have lost my sex drive . I do try everything to show him I love him in many other ways by doing nice things for him and doing nice things for him but I find my boyfriend sneaking watching porn on his phone and it hurts me and makes me feel more insecure. He says its because I don’t have sex with him enough and its become a vicious cycle. It is causing a lot of arguments and hurts me deeply. How do we resolve this

[AskApril Masini]

Fill me in a little more. How old are you both? How long have you been together? And how often do you have sex?

[buffyo78]

I am 37 and he is 30. We have been together on and off 4 years and we do argue quite a bit so a lot of times I’m not in the mood just because of that but I do try and have sex with him at least 1 time a week but not always sometimes it’s once every 2 weeks

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. Thank you. At his age, once or twice a week can be normal, but having sex more often than that can be normal for 30 year old men, as well. The other thing that might be an issue is the four year relationship — for many couples, things can get stale in the long term, and it’s easy to fall into a rut normally. There are things you can do to take care of yourself so that you’re more in sync with his wanting more sex — even if your sex drive is down. Sometimes a low sex drive can be the cause or the symptom of depression. If things are getting you down, you may not realize it, and attending to your blue mood may make you feel more like having sex. And finally, you mentioned the two of you have been off and on for four years and that you fight — that’s enough to hamper anyone’s sex life. 😕 In other words this may all the result of your hysterectomy, but there are more than a few reasons why it may not be. Let me know if any of this resonates for you.

[buffyo78]

Thank you and one other question am I wrong to get upset over the porn watching and should just deal with it or how do I get over it

[AskApril Masini]

You’re not wrong to get upset, because that’s how you feel — but…. my advice is to understand that those feelings have to do with your insecurities more than they do your boyfriend preferring porn over you. Men are naturally visual and they like looking at naked women. It doesn’t mean they don’t love and respect you, so decide whether this is a battle you want to go to war over. My advice is to let it go and see if you can learn from what he’s watching, and possibly incorporate some of what you do learn in your own romantic life with him. The big issues you’re having are feeling insecure and not having as much sex together as he’d like. Let go of the issue with porn for now, and focus on those two. I think that as these two issues begin to resolve, so, too, will your issues with his porn watching, as well as his interest in watching it as often.

[Sally]

Losing your sex drive after a hysterectomy is more common than people admit, and it messes with your confidence in a deep way. Your body went through something real. You didn’t just wake up different one day.

What hurts the most here isn’t just the porn it’s that it makes you feel replaced, unwanted, and less than, especially when you’re already feeling vulnerable. That pain is valid. At the same time, his porn use isn’t necessarily about you or your body. For a lot of people, it’s about release and habit, not connection. But when it’s hidden and blamed on you, it turns into something damaging.

This cycle won’t fix itself by arguing. You need a calm, honest talk where you explain that you’re not withholding sex to punish him you’re struggling physically and emotionally. And he needs to stop framing his behavior as your fault.

If you can, talk to a doctor about hormone changes and libido. And if he cares, he should be willing to slow down, be patient, and rebuild intimacy without pressure. Love isn’t just sex. It’s feeling safe while you heal.

[Member]

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