[Mississippisfinest]

For 2 months, me AND my wife BOTH talked about doing a MFM threesome. We planned it out in our heads how it would go down. Fast forward it happened earlier today. Once it was the other man’s turn to have sex with her, after being penetrated, she suddenly starts moaning (really different than with me) talking in Spanish (she only talks in English any other time), I haven’t heard her speak any type of her native Spanish language in FOUR YEARS (which was the day we FIRST MET) until today. It’s like she let this other guy take over. I didn’t wanna look jealous or insecure so I held my tongue. After I was done, She allowed him to do anal and throat gag her (for about two minutes) and slap her face, choke her neck till it turned red she even let him ejaculate onto her face and even got it in her hair and nose. I was shocked as hell. I have asked her REPEATEDLY in the past to let me try these things with her but she ALWAYS dismissed it. I HAVE NEVER seen her behave like this, it was as if I wasn’t even there and I started to feel left out and got irritated. She even swore in her language as well. She has NEVER done or let me do ANY of these things to/with her. They kept going for like an HOUR until they were both sweaty after I was finished.

I felt like I got ripped off.
Was I wrong for not saying anything or stopping it from going too far?

I can’t help but wonder if and how would she have reacted or did if I would have called her out on it right then and there and put a stop to it when she first started to get intense?

Would any of you be pissed at or no?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very sorry this is rough on you. Threesomes where there is an established couple and a third party invitee, rarely end well. In fact, if it’s any comfort, this kind of dynamic you’re describing, is pretty common. Usually one person in the threesome feels left out. The good news is that you did this only once and realized you feel badly. Some people do it a dozen times before they are able to articulate what is making them feel badly about the experience. And, it sounds like this isn’t something you should do again because of how it made you feel. You were surprised at your wife’s abandon, and uncomfortable with her having sex with this other man. Now, you have to talk to your wife and express yourself to her and let her know that you’re not willing to do this again and why. You also have a clue about things she likes that you didn’t realize before and maybe the two of you can expand your own relationship beyond what it’s been — but just with the two of you, not three of you! 😉

As for your feeling “ripped off” — I think you should try to let that go, and instead, focus on the future of your marriage and your sex life within the marriage. The reality is that this was a first time experience and you didn’t know enough about how you’d all behave to decide whether or not to have parameters and what those parameters would be. Now, you do. Feeling “ripped off” is probably just your feeling unprepared for what you agreed to do, so see if you can let that go. Having second thoughts about your not having stopped your wife and this other man, is now making you angry — I don’t think you’re really angry at them. You’re angry at yourself for being in this situation. And unfortunately, that’s how a lot of people who try threesomes wind up feeling. 😳

Try not to let this uncomfortable experience become a relationship obstacle. Instead, process with your wife, talk about what happened and how you both feel, and what you want to do next — without a third person.

[Sally]

What went wrong isn’t that you agreed to a threesome. It’s that there were no clear limits, and once things shifted, you froze instead of speaking up. That happens when you’re shocked. It doesn’t mean you failed.

You weren’t wrong for not stopping it in the moment. You were trying to hold it together. But your feelings are still real, and they matter just as much as hers.
The hardest part is realizing she crossed lines she’s always drawn with you. That hurts deep, and it deserves an honest talk, not blame, just truth.

Don’t swallow this. Sit with her, tell her exactly how it felt, and listen too. If you can’t talk about it safely, it’ll rot. And yeah, couples counseling could really help here.

[Tara]

You walked straight into a situation you were not emotionally prepared to handle and then froze instead of asserting boundaries. You agreed to a threesome in theory, but you never did the real work of defining limits, power dynamics, or what would happen if one of you crossed into territory that hurt the other. That’s on both of you, but your silence in the moment is on you.

Here’s the brutal truth: your wife didn’t suddenly become a different person because of this man. She revealed a side of herself she has either suppressed with you or didn’t feel safe, aroused, or free enough to express with you. That’s devastating to witness, and yes, most people would be furious and humiliated, but pretending this is about jealousy alone is dishonest. This cut deeper because it exposed a sexual imbalance and unspoken resentment in your marriage.

You weren’t wrong for not stopping it, you were paralyzed. But now you don’t get to stew in silent outrage or frame this as betrayal without accountability. You consented to the setup. What you didn’t consent to and what must be addressed immediately is why she gave another man access to behaviors she has consistently denied you, and why she seemed unconcerned with your emotional presence at all. That’s a marriage-level problem, not a threesome problem.

[Member]

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