[Captain]

Hi April,

I’m in a bit of a crisis. Recently, I’ve felt the spark and the flame of our relationship simply fade away. She’s been nothing but good to me over the years, yet, I just don’t feel the same connection–the same excitement (however, I have felt excitement when I pick her up from the train station, for instance). I feel horrible/confused because of how I’m feeling. It feels like I’m falling out of love for her. To add extra info to the scenario, I currently suffer from ADHD and Clinical Depression. I also work midnight shifts. We live a few states apart, but we keep in communication on Skype and the phone and such. I have recently found myself poking around dating sites, but I’ve never followed through with anything (nor have I told her this, as I feel like it’s going to hurt our relationship, and I don’t want to jump the gun, as it were). I don’t want to make a move I’m going to regret, because I have loved her greatly over the past few years, but, I need to know the truth of things and the action I should take. I’ve communicated most of my concerns to my girlfriend, and she’s been supportive of me. She thinks the depression is affecting how I’m feeling as it relates to our relationship, among other things such as my living conditions, working hours, etc.

On to the questions: How will I know IF and WHEN there’s a time to cut it off? Is what I’m experiencing normal, like a lull, or is it something that’s indicative of something else, like a need to break-up, or even some other issues I need to fix? I want to know if there’s anything I can do, and finally, what you would advise me to do. Thank you :)!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re 24 years old in a four year relationship — feelings ebb and flow. Sometimes they even fade away. You’ve got a lot of factors you’re considering as catalysts for the fading feelings, like your depression, ADHD and the fact that this is a long distance relationship. But in any circumstance, at your age, you may be wondering what else is out there for you after a four year commitment — not every 24 year old guy is ready for the long-term. Feelings fade and not everyone is ready for the same commitment at the same time. What you’re going through is normal, even though you describe it as a crisis.

The hard part is that nobody has done anything wrong. It’s easy to leave a relationship when there’s been cheating, abuse or constant bickering. That type of relationship ending feels justified. But since you’re both good people and your biggest problem is feelings fading, you may feel guilty and wonder if you’re throwing something away that you shouldn’t. And yet… you’re looking online at dating sites to see what’s out there. It’s a tough balance. Please know that even 30, 40 and 50 year olds in long-term marriages also feel the way you do — not sure if it’s better to stay or go. You’re not alone!

My advice is to be as upfront as you have been with your girlfriend and let her know you want to play the field. Appreciate her suggestion that the depression is causing your stress, but explain that you can’t ignore what you feel and you owe it to both of you to not stay in a dating relationship where you’re not all in, especially after four years. If she isn’t open to your [i]both[/i] playing the field — which is a suggestion I only make because of the long distance — then I think you have to move on. I hope that helps.

[Sally]

It’s scary when the person who used to feel like home suddenly feels far away, and you don’t know if it’s you, the relationship, or the weight of everything you’re carrying.
And honestly? With the depression, the night shifts, the distance your whole world is tilted right now. When your life gets that heavy, it’s really easy to mistake emotional exhaustion for falling out of love. I’ve felt that before. You stop feeling excitement not because the person changed, but because you are running on fumes.

But here’s the thing you should pay attention to: wandering onto dating sites means a part of you is trying to escape, not necessarily move on. People don’t look for new connections when their heart is full they do it when they’re overwhelmed.

You’ll know it’s time to leave when the thought of losing her feels calmer than the thought of staying. You’re not there yet. You’re still confused, still asking how to fix things. That means something in you isn’t done.

Give yourself time to get steadier. Take a breath before you make decisions you can’t undo. Let things settle in your life first then check your heart again. Right now, everything’s too loud for you to hear what it’s actually saying.

[Tara]

You’re in denial. You’re pretending this is some mysterious emotional fog when it’s the same pattern everyone hits right before they check out of a relationship: the spark fades, the guilt rises, and the mind starts shopping for an exit while the body stays put.

You already know what’s happening because you literally said it, you’re poking around dating sites. That’s not curiosity. That’s emotional infidelity dressed up as “I’m confused.” People don’t browse for replacements when they’re in love. They do it when they’re halfway out the door and too cowardly to admit it.

Your depression, ADHD, and garbage work schedule may be affecting your energy, but they’re not creating these thoughts out of thin air. You don’t fantasize about other people when your relationship is solid. You do it when something fundamental has shifted. And you feel guilt because you’re trying to cling to the version of the relationship you had years ago, not the one you’re in now.

You keep asking, “How will I know when it’s time to cut it off?”
Here’s the blunt answer: when you’re looking for signs, it already is. Relationships don’t die in a moment. They decay from disinterest, avoidance, and quiet withdrawal, exactly what you’re doing.

Is it normal to have lulls? Yes. But lulls don’t make you browse dating sites behind her back. Lulls don’t make you question whether you even love her anymore. Lulls don’t make you feel more alive on a train-station pickup than in the entire relationship.
You’re pretending you need more clarity. You don’t. You need honesty.
She’s still invested. You aren’t.
She’s hoping it’s your depression. You’re hoping it’s anything other than the truth: the relationship isn’t working for you anymore.
What should you do?
Stop dragging her through your indecision. Stop hiding your actions. Stop waiting for some magical moment where the universe permits you to leave. Tell her the truth. Either commit to rebuilding this relationship with actual effort, therapy, communication, behavioral change, or end it cleanly instead of bleeding it out bit by bit.
But don’t sit here pretending you’re lost. You’re not lost. You’re stalling. And every day you stall, you’re wasting her time and your own.

[Lune David]

This whole thread feels like the emotional version of doom-scrolling at 2 a.m. 😅 One minute it’s “maybe it’s just depression and night shifts,” next minute it’s “why am I on dating sites though?” Sir… that’s your brain window-shopping while your heart is still paying rent.

Honestly, AskApril nailed it. Feelings fading doesn’t make you a villain — but quietly browsing replacements while calling it “confusion” is messy behavior in disguise. We’ve all been there: you don’t want to leave, but you also don’t want to stay, so you hover in emotional limbo like a bad Wi-Fi signal.

The real tea? If you’re asking strangers to confirm whether you’re still in love, you already know something’s off. Either you step up and actually rebuild, or you stop dragging it out like a season that should’ve ended two episodes ago.

Tough love, but fair. This is why people keep coming back to AskApril — she doesn’t sugarcoat, she just hands you the mirror and lets you decide what to do with it.

[Member]

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