[regilarana89]

Right then… here goes nothing :

Recently I have confessed my feelings for someone who had it coming their way for a very long time. We tried being friends, but neither of us wanted to be ”just friends”. I was too afraid to allow us to become lovers/an item and now… almost 10 years down the line I’m ready for it, for him, for something real and the only option I’m being given is ‘nothing’. I realise how much time has passed, and how weak I’ve been but I can’t sit and let all of this end with out any real fight . Here is the story.

I have known him since I was 12. We went to the same school, sat next to each other ( alphabetical order CAN be a god send), spoke on the phone for hours on end..and were constantly having little sneaky make- out sessions behind the school organ. We were best friends. We had the same friends, my mom loved him everything seemed perfect.

Then when we were about 15 he wanted start dating – I was thrilled. My mother, however, was not. It’s just me and my mum at home and as much as she thought he was a great person, she did not want me dating a black man. ”If you ever come home and introduce me to a black man or a woman and tell me you love them, you will no longer be my daughter.” – thats a direct quote, which quite clearly has stuck with me through the years. My family isn’t the most open minded, we live on a small island where everyone knows everyone and fortunately for me my family is pretty well known. She made it quite clear to me that I was to never have anything romantic with him. Being 15 I did what my mother told me leaving both of us heartbroken. After which we both went our separate ways – he to Canada and myself on a gap year to Mexico.

We stayed in touch often as friends which was great. Fast forward 3 years. I’m graduating highschool , he surprises me at my graduation with flowers for me, wine for my mum – always quite the charmer you see, always putting a smile on my face. First year of university in the UK was a disaster. I was very depressed, had a hard time making friends (………) basically had a horrible time. We saw each other over the summer ( back on the island) and it was almost as if both of us got raped by cupid. In other words the chemistry, not to mention sexual chemistry, was out of this world. After weeks enjoing eachothers platonic company, we finally just let go on my 20th birthday. It was the best birthday I’ve ever had. Everything was so easy.. I was so happy. The next day ..I start to panic. My friends all know the situation with my mother and they see how wonderful he is for me so the issue wasn’t them. It was this paralyzing fear of disappointing my mother, of hurting her so much she’d die or abandon me ( my father died when I was young… so thought of my mother dying or having a heart attack or something because of me is quite disturbing). So I told him no more. I told him I was too afraid to care about him and that it would be best if we just stayed friends. Crushed he got on the next flight to Canada. I went back to England and we didn’t talk for about 4 months.

Finally I got the courage to speak to him and after a while things started getting back to normal. All the while I started casually seeing a new guy, as he had also been seeing someone else. Then he surprises me telling me he’s coming to England to visit me and take a look at universities for post graduate studies. I go on complete lock down. I tell him not to come to my city, that it would be a bad idea, made some lie up about working… any way… he came to England and we didn’t see each other. As much as I wanted to be with him I started dating this other guy because my mother would approve even though he really isn’t my match on quite a few levels.

No communication until this past summer when he randomly shows up at my job and gives me ” Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist” and tells me to sort myself out. We agree to meet up for lunch to have a set ‘ end ‘ to what ever it is that we had. We ate in silence. Not for lack of things to say but out of not wanting to say them. Neither of us wanted to be in that situation. Our awkward lunch ended and I pretty much ran to my car, got buckled in and turned on the ignition. I was so afraid of saying goodbye to him that I figured if I just left then it wouldn’t be the end. He came after me and just stared in disbelief as I drove off crying and shaking . And that was the last time we saw each other.

Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago and I had the grand idea of calling him and just spilling out everything. I’ve done quite a bit of travelling and as a result quite a bit of soul searching. All this time I was afraid of admitting how much I loved him because I feared disapproval from my mother. I’ve realised that her prejudice is a problem she has to deal with. She has hurt me beyond belief with her narrowmindedness and I’ve outgrown my fears. This is my time to live my life how I choose to live it and I want to be with him. Which I told him .

His response? ”I wish you had told me all of this before. I don’t love you like I loved you yeseterday. Get over me . Keep an eye on my relationship status because it might be changing in the not too distant future.” – all direct quotes.

So now.. I don’t know what on earth to do with myself. He has his valid points in not wanting to be in touch with me a) I’ve hurt and embarrassed him in the past b) I’m in Europe… he’s in Canada… and after my show in England he has no intentions of making another trip c) He’s waited around for me to sort my stuff out and he feels he’s wasted his time.

What can Ido? It took me so long to get to where I am with myself , to be finaly able to say ” YOU ARE WHAT I WANT”.. and I’ve gone from being completely impowered in how I feel, to feeling utterly powerless and deflated. I’ve been surfing the internet contemplating buying a ticket to visit him but then what? I go there for 5 days anddddd that leaves us where? I know I’ve had chances with him before, but none as real as now. I really have no idea what to do with myself. And all I know is.. us being ‘ nothing ‘is not an option.

Any words of wisdom are welcomed and appreciated. Thank you for your time =)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This could be a great love story — or tragedy. The most important thing you need to learn is to voice your own opinions and to follow your heart. It’s no longer fair to blame your mother for her prejudices. You are becoming your own woman and you have to live your own life — but it sounds like you’ve realized this.

In the meantime, the man you love has moved on and is dating someone else. My advice is to stay friendly if you can, and if his relationship status changes, dial up the flirting so there will be no mistaking next time, what it is you want from him: a romantic relationship.

I hope that helps. Please let me know what happens, and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

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